Caption Contest

 

I bet you he always uses DK when playing Mario Kart.

Scientists Say That Girls With Bigger Asses Are Smarter Than Everyone Else

PNS reporting from ENGLAND) Scientists at the University of Oxford have uncovered evidence that women with big butts are not only the most intelligent, but also the most resistant to chronic illnesses.
The study examined the fat accumulated in different parts of a woman’s body, and found that women with a phat ass were less likely to get diabetes, since they are more likely to produce hormones to metabolize sugar.
What’s more, women with big booties tended to have lower levels of cholesterol and less heart problems, according to the study.

So I guess big butts actually don't lie? My parents always told me to work hard and get a good job after college, but what they never told me is that if I work hard enough, I can be a scientist who measures girls butt's and compares them to their IQ. If I had known that this was a possibility I would have tried a little harder in school. I would love to think that this is true, but it cant be. Think of the two asses that come to mind first. Kim Kardashian and Vida Guerra for me. Now, I don't know for sure, but nothing about them screams, I have a higher IQ than you.

PS- If you don't think I am going to walk around in a lab coat asking to measure girls butts to find out if there is a correlation between the size of an ass and the size of their brain then you really don't understand me as a human being.

Leave it to Canada

Fucking Canada, eh? It takes a lot for me to laugh out loud at a video. You know when someone is like "OMG you HAVE to watch this video" and you're like nahhhh and then you have to fake laugh at parts that aren't even funny? That's the worst, but this, I lost it when the guy just goes, "Okay." This guy is just doing exactly what I would do in that situation, he's just along for the ride. His face at the end makes it look like this is the happiest he's ever been in his life. No idea why I thought that was so funny but it was. Probably because of sex motions.

Picture Of The Day

 

This guy is taking the blood sweat and beards mantra a little too seriously. The saddest thing about this is that this guy is a Cavaliers fan, and he prepared this for a Cavs-Wizards preseason game. That's some depressing shit right there. Gotta love the wristbands this guy has on though. Hmmm, I'm going to a preseason NBA game, what do I need? Beard net? Check. Hat for a team in the wrong sport? Check. Wristbands? Check. Alright, I'm ready to go. 

PS- Gotta respect that belt buckle. This guy takes his facial hair game serious. 

Guy Just Punches Shark In The Face

"A surfer on the Hawaiian island of Kauai claims to have used boxing skills to fend off an attacking shark that bit into his board, narrowly missing his leg.
Jeff Horton was surfing earlier this week at Pila’a Beach near Kilauea. He told the Garden Island that he saw the shark, presumably a tiger shark, swimming toward him as he sat on his board.
“It came flying straight toward me,” he said.
Upon impact, Horton rolled off of his board and onto the shark, which he briefly rode before unleashing a barrage of punches.
“I started punching as hard as I could,” he said, adding that he landed about eight blows and caused the shark to back off with a knuckle punch to the eye."

How about this fucking guy? I want to hate him for being such a bro, but I can't. If you hate this guy, than you are just jealous. He is living the life. All he does is surf, ride sharks, and punch sharks in the face. And how about how he said he landed 8 punches. Was he counting the punches as he was throwing them? I've lived near the ocean my entire life, but if I ever saw a shark swimming towards me it wouldn't be blood in the water that the shark would be smelling.

Send Out The Smoke Patrol On This High School Football Field

Imagine going to a High School like this? My High School football field looked like a barren wasteland where high school student's college football dreams went to die. The baseball field had more dead grass than the ground after a Wiz Kalifa concert. How amped up would you be running onto this field every Friday night, getting a big win over your high school rival, and then going to some kids house who's parents weren't home that weekend to get drunk off 4 bud lights, getting jerked off by some girl in the bathroom and then being home by curfew. Those were the days.

Guy Kicks 40 Yard Field Goal To Win New Chevy Camaro

Yahoo- Officials from the local Chevrolet dealership jumped for joy and tackled the 20-something in celebration before Igwe leapt up from the turf and sprinted to the arms of the Simi Valley football team, which was heading back out to the field, with only one shoe of course.

It all capped a remarkable promo event that marked a great California rivalry, and allowed Igwe to eschew the prescribed prize of a Chevy Camaro for a $20,000 cash prize, which he told USA Today he'll use to help pay off personal debt.

Holy fucking shit. That was amazing. A black kicker? I never thought I would see the day. Oh, you're talking about the 40 yard field goal and how that was soooo impressive? Not so fast my friend. I'm pretty sure that if you gave me a weeks notice I could drill a 40 yard field goal without my shoe flying off. And whats up with that anyways? Like bro, you're trying to win a new car by kicking a field goal. First step: tie your shoes. Second step: kick the ball. 

More importantly here, my favorite part of this story is how he just won a brand new 2014 Chevy Camaro and he just decides nahhh I'm not going to take it, give him the 20 grand so he can pay off his unpaid child support personal debts. 

Lady Gets Caught Imatating Sex At A Cricket Match

 This is easily the most cricket I've ever watched in my life, and so far I like it. Don't get me wrong, I have no idea what the rules are, but if player's wives sit in the outfield (?) and pretend to jerk off mammoth dicks and make grunting faces than I'm all in. But seriously, I don't understand cricket at all. Why is the pitcher running before the pitch? Why is the field shaped like that? Why is the umpire wearing a cowboy hat? Is that guy who they are interviewing playing? He should probably concentrate on fielding those lacrosse balls. Imagine if Tom Brady was getting interviewed by Dan Dierdorf as he was throwing a touchdown pass? Just kidding, Brady doesn't throw touchdown passes anymore.

Introducing the Bishop of Bling

 

"Simmer down everyone, at least there weren't any children involved"

 

Pope Francis today suspended the free spending German Bishop Franz Peter Tebartz-van Elst -- known derisively as Bishop Deluxe or the Bishop of Bling -- and ordered him to vacate the Diocese of Limburg, at least temporarily.

The pope, who has declined to live in the Vatican's opulent papal residence, has been urging prelates to adopt a more humble lifestyle and today's actions were the strongest yet to reenforce that message. 

First of all, if I'm going to be a Bishop, I definitely want the nickname Bishop of Bling. I mean the only thing better than that would be Bishop of Bitches, put I'm pretty sure Jesus wouldn't let that one fly. Anyways, the story is that this Bishop spent 55 million on renovating his house. Uhhh, yeah I mean he devoted his life to God, it wouldn't kill the big guy upstairs to throw him a bone and an extra 50 million ya know? Now Pope Francis has to get involved and he suspends the guy, which I don't even get. Its not like this guy got caught using steroids and gets bagged for 50 games.* This guy will probably just take a couple weeks off and head down to St. Croix and get loopy on Jesus juice and crack stick until he goes back to his palace. Bishop of Bling:1 Pope:0

*This is a euphemism for diddling kids.

Study Says Massholes Are Most Temperamental People. Fuck That.

 

Yahoo- There are now, thanks to a new study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology by a team of researchers in the UK. Their goal? To literally map the “American mood” by rating personality and temperament on a state-by-state basis. The 13-year study included nearly 1.6 million respondents from the 48 contiguous states and the District of Columbia.

FUCK YOU. Massholes are not temperamental and uninhibited! I'd love to see where all of these fuckers that conducted this "research" are from. Probably all from California where the living is easy and everybody just smokes weed and cares about celebrities. Fuck this list and fuck everyone who was involved in making it, and fuck their families.

PS- Ohhhhh, now I see what they are talking about.

Insane Helmet Cam

Yeahhh, how about no. This was the goddamn Rainbow Road of bike paths. Sometimes I think I can ride a bike really well because I can ride with no hands on the handlebars and than I remember that my non existent autistic cousin can do that. And I love how there are a million people celebrating the back flip over the gap. Like yeah that was cool and all but did you not see the minute before that where he was biking down a toothpick of a path? Anyways, give me 1 month and a GoPro and I could film something exactly like this.

A Moment That Changed My Life

Guarantee this is what I looked like to any passerby 

So today I faced a challenge that was unlike any challenge I've ever faced. Let me set the scene for you, its a rainy day here in Barnstable, and not just that rain that you don't really mind because you can curl up and watch 8 episodes of your favorite TV show and not feel like a total scrub, but the cold slushy rain that is almost snow and you just want to kick it in the face. Anyways, I have a class at 2 pm and as always I stroll confidently out of my house a cool 10 minutes early because I live within 1 mile of the school and I absolutely HATE being the first kid in class. So I hop in my car and try to start it. It won't start. I immediately look at my lights and they've been on for a few hours now. Fuck. Battery is dead. 1:50:12

"Whatever, I'll just skip class today. NBD." Fuck. I have a test today. Fuck. And this professor is one of those professors that won't take any excuse. Even if you missed the test because you helped President Obama from an imminent alien attack, she'd be like, "still get a 0 on the test." Game time. I immediately start running down my road with backpack in tow looking like I'm running away from a murderer who just accidentally allowed me to escape.  I WAS THAT FUCKING GUY. You know in the show "24" when the screen would go black except for what time it was on the screen? Well thats what I felt like was going on in my head. 1:53:49. I'm never going to make. Time to put it in high gear. Rain is pelting down on my face and I finally realize that if I was a girl, I probably wouldn't want to take it on the face either. Running down route 132 in my P.F. Flyers and some fucker has the audacity to fucking beep at me. Like he's just trying to let me know its raining and that I probably shouldn't be running in this weather. Thanks chief.

1:55:35 I finally get to campus but I still have to get all the way across to the other side to get where my class is. So I'm doing that awkward speed walk where it just looks like I took a dump in my pants and I'm just trying to get to the closest toilet. Three people just stared at me while I poop-walked by. Thanks for your concern, fuckers.

2:00:01 I walk into class soaking wet and everyone already has their test, but fuck it, because at least I got there. I sit down and the girl next to me asks "Why the fuck are you so out of breath". Well I just fucking ran from my house to get to a community college to take a test that I probably don't need to take because this class is so easy and now my brain is really evaluating my decision making processes and wondering why I don't own a bike or a scooter.

PS-Aced that fucking test

PPS- I really wrote this thinking that I'm a hero or something when in reality, I had to run like under a mile in 10 minutes. Not that awesome. Fuck.

See Through Yoga Pants Pulled Off Shelf

Obviously not best picture, but come on, this is a family blog. Sort of

The ubiquitous black workout pants with the horseshoe-like symbol might be a little harder to spot in the coming weeks.

Lululemon said Monday a problem in the manufacturing of its popular black Luon pants has led to "sheerness." That led the company to pull about 17 percent of the pants from stores, showrooms and the website.

Lululemon said it expects "for the near term there will be a shortage of these styles available to our guests."

Isn't that exactly the point of yoga pants? For guys to see what they have been dreaming about? Yoga pants are easily the best invention in the past 100 years and I'm not saying that in a creepy way but actually I am. Remember in high school, when you couldn't wait for girls to start wearing shorts and even though they were basically knickers, you still got a mid class boner? Well now with yoga pants, you basically have to walk around with your dick tucked into your waistband because every girl wears them and holy shit they leave nothing to the imagination. And girls say they wear them because they are comfortable. Bullshit. You wear them because your ass looks fucking fantastic. They should just start making invisible yoga pants and I guarantee women would be running the world within 2 weeks. I'm pretty sure God made yoga pants so that men could survive 8 am classes. Wanna see an awesome Not Safe For Work gallery of yoga pants? The Chive

PS- If you don't think I would wear the FUCK out of yoga pants if it was socially acceptable than you just don't know me as a person.

PPS- Not to be rude, but fat girls probably shouldn't ever wear them unless they are going to the gym. That was a rude, yet nice comment.

Kids Wearing Shirts Saying What They Are Allergic To

Not being racist, but I'm kind of surprised black people are allergic to anything

Move over, note-pinning. Kym Whitley, a comedian and reality television show star, is launching a new line of "Don't Feed Me" T-shirts that parents of allergic kids can use to alert caregivers and others who might feed their children. Parents can use a pen to fill in the child's name and check off boxes of what the child is allergic to. Whitley first made the shirts for her son, Joshua, 2, who wore them to day care.

I hate this so much. First of all, I don't believe allergies are a real thing. Completely made up by people who want special attention. Basically my thinking behind that is, well I'm not allergic to anything, so everybody else is just making it up. But here is my real issue, are these little fuckers just going to wear these shirts around everyday? Well they're going to start smelling bad and I'd rather have my kid eat something that he is "allergic" to, rather than be the smelly kid in class. Nobody likes that kid, and my kid is going to be the kicker on the football team so EVERYONE is going to like him. Plus, remember that one time in school where some kid had an allergy attack and the teacher had to stab the fuck out of him with his EpiPen? Best fucking day ever. Fuck this shirt and fuck allergies.

PS- People can be allergic to strawberries? That has to be the worst allergy of all time.

Tiger Woods Dating Lindsay Vonn

"This season has been great so far and I'm happy with my wins at Torrey and Doral. Something nice that's happened off the course was meeting Lindsey Vonn. Lindsey and I have been friends for some time, but over the last few months we have become very close and are now dating. We thank you for your support and for respecting our privacy. We want to continue our relationship, privately, as an ordinary couple and continue to compete as athletes." --Statement from Tiger Woods

Now everybody knows I love Tiger Woods. He is the cockiest asshole in the entire world, and if you don't like him than you're jealous. Dude just wins tournaments and bangs porn stars, and I'm supposed to be mad at him? In saying that, this statement from Tiger is a little ridiculous. Like why even put out this statement? I don't care who you are having sex with as long as you are in the final grouping on Sunday at the Masters. By the way, he put this on his facebook page, because nothing says irony like asking for privacy while posting pictures of you canoodling with your women all over facebook. By the way, didn't Lindsay Vonn just shred her ACL? YUP Smart move by Tiger here to start dating a girl who cant move so that when she catches him with some hot broad, he can simply just walk away and she can do nothing about it.

PS-Tiger your girlfriend. WOOF!

PS- Two golf blogs in a row? Just lost half my readers.

Simple Golf Tip

HAHAHAHAH. GET IT?!? This video pisses me off because I was all ready to learn the one thing I could do to make myself a better golfer and this guy just goes ahead and says like 3 words that I can pronounce.

But in all reality, golf is the hardest sport in the world. You can hit the ball 300 yards in one shot and then it takes 5 more shots to get the ball into a cup thats 15 feet away. It's just so frustrating. The drive to the golf course you are like alright I can't wait to play. Then you start playing and you're like fuck this shit. Then you leave and you're like wow that was a good time. It makes you delusional. But I like golf because it's the only time you can yell at yourself in the first person and not be seen as a crazy person. The first few times playing with my dad, he would always yell "God, damnit Michael" and I was thinking in my head, well what the fuck did I do, it was your piss poor shot. I started liking my dad a lot more after I realized you are allowed to yell at yourself.

9 Year Old Explains Meaning Of Life

Some times I wonder how I made it this far in life because I don't know how to put the video from Youtube here. Whatever, click this link.

This kid just absolutely blew my mind. Instead of paying for my philosophy 101 class that I'm taking right now, I just should have this video play on repeat 4-5 times. He said shit and I was like "yeah I totally agree with that". Kid is fucking 9 years old. When I was 9 years old, the only thing that I was worried about was nap time, snack time, and playing with my dick. This kid is talking about alternative life forms and other galaxies and shit. By the way, his meaning of life explanation is probably the truest explanation I've ever heard. Keep doing you kid, keep doing you.

PS- How fucking baked is this kid.

Holly Madison Names Her Daughter Rainbow Aurora

 

At least we know she won't have trouble breastfeeding

 Move over, Suri, Apple, and Maxwell … there’s a new Hollywood daughter with a quirky name. Holly Madison announced on Friday that she and boyfriend Pasquale Rotella have given their newborn the moniker Rainbow Aurora (no, we’re not kidding).

Not even joking, but is Holly Madison's IQ above 50? I certainly had my doubts before this but I'm positive she is mentally challenged now. Rainbow Aurora? You do realize Holly, that your daughter is automatically destined to be a porn star now right? I mean, technically her mom did become famous for being naked and people taking pictures of her, but in today's day and age, thats what it takes. And wait, I thought she was married to Hugh Hefner. Like I thought that was the deal, she lived in his house and had to walk around naked and had to give him his viagra and had to fuck his old bag of bones body. Now I found out she's married to some dude named Pasquale? Fuck that.

PS- My kicker son's name is obviously going to be named Big-Leg Kennedy.

I'd Like To Own A Bunch Of Gorillas

Lets start this off in saying that if you don't think evolution exists, than you are an absolute fool. Did you see that gorilla? Literally the exact same movements that I have when I am playing in a pile of leaves. Just doing somersaults like he was teaming up with Mckayla Maroney in a floor routine in the London Olympics. Gorillas are the fucking shit. If I could own a flange (look it up) of gorillas, I would in a heartbeat. I mean, I might get my face ripped off but it is obviously well worth it. I would create a football team of all gorillas and if you don't think we are headed straight for the NFL than get the fuck out of my face. By the way, the music that was set to this video was fucking perfect. Aside, from that nerdy girl talking at the begining, Khazi the gorilla just goes straight ape-shit (see what I did there?) and the head banging music is just perfect. A+ video.

PS- All gorillas eat are bananas right? I can't afford anything else.

I Hate All Teachers Who Do Shit Like This

I hate this teacher so bad that its palpable. Like, I get it, this teacher was a nerd all throughout high school and was always picked on so he decided to go back to high school and do it all again, except it backfired. You're still a nerd bro. It's almost sad because do you know how much time this guy spent on making this video? Probably at least a month. Probably went home every day after school, fed his cat, jerked off, made a microwaveable dinner, watched Jeopardy in hopes that one day he will be on the show (he won't), worked on this video all night, and then went to bad. Rinse, wash, repeat. All for this corny ass video that maybe like 7 of his students laughed at? It was like 3 minutes too long. Better luck next time bro.

Will Amish People Love Federal Prison?

CLEVELAND (AP) — Sixteen Amish men and women who have lived rural, self-sufficient lives surrounded by extended family and with little outside contact are facing regimented routines in afederal prison system where almost half of inmates are behind bars for drug offenses and modern conveniences, such as television, will be a constant temptation.

Prison rules will allow the 10 men convicted in beard- and hair-cutting attacks on fellow Amish in eastern Ohio to keep their religiously important beards, but they must wear standard prison khaki or green work uniforms instead of the dark outfits they favor. Jumper dresses will be an option for the six Amish women, who will be barred from wearing their typical long, dark dresses and bonnets.

Now I am on record in saying that I would fucking love to be Amish. Just riding horses all day. Ideal life. But what I didn't know is that they could go to federal prison. I thought Amish people handled things themselves and if two neighboring squads got into a fight, than they just held a head to head butter churning competition and the squad who loses, dies. Like I thought that was general knowledge, but nope.  But these guys are tough as fuck. Beard cutting? Beards are sacred to the Amish. Like cows to people from India. Like AIDS to Africa. Like Kim Kardashians pregnant ass to the US.

You might say, "Wow, this is going to be a tough experience for them." But here is the thing. They will think prison is the shit. Since they've never experienced the outside world, they are going to think that their new prison life is as luxurious as it gets. Watching TV and maybe playing a little Wii. (pretty sure thats what happens in prison) These Amish fuckers are going to want to stay in prison for the rest of their lives.

PS- If you don't think they will be RUNNING that prison within 2 weeks of being there than you are wrong. Amish are hardcore.

340,000 Year Old Man Found

I wanna chill with these dudes so bad

DNA evidence has revealed that the oldest known common male ancestor is 340,000 year old, more than twice as old as previous estimates. New Scientist reports that the sample comes from a recently deceased man named Albert Perry. After the African-American South Carolina man died, one of his relatives submitted a sample of his DNA to a company called Family Tree DNA for analysis. The findings were published in the The American Journal of Human Genetics and may require researchers to adjust the known timeline of humankind’s evolution.

Not gonna make a joke here. That's fucking insane. 340,000 years ago there was just some humans chillen, banging fellow cave-girls, and killing saber tooth tigers and shit. Living 340,000 years ago would be fucking awesome. Just riding dinosaurs to work, as a caveman lawyer who deals exclusively with pterodactyl (nailed that on the first spelling attempt) law. There were no rules back then, if you wanted to fuck animals, then you fucked animals. I'm not saying that I want to fuck animals, I would just like to know that I had the freedom to choose to do so. Plus, I'm pretty sure they didn't even have spoken language back then, so cavemen didn't have to listen to their cave-girlfriend nagging him to take out the wooly-mammoth carcass that they had for dinner 2 nights ago. When time machines come around, I am most definitely going back and being a caveman. Just to go on the record of saying this, I loathe all Geico commercials, especially the fucking cavemen ones.

70 Yard Field Goal

First of all, if you watched all two minutes of that video than you are a psychopath. Hey editors, ever heard of building up the suspense? Nope. Just kicks the 70 yarder and then goes on to show how he can kick extra points like my non existent autistic cousin can do. And there was no music set to it? What the fuck is that? Anyways, the real story here is how I just decided that my son is 150% going to be a kicker. Right out of the womb I'm gonna have him doing kicking exercises and shit. If he can't make a 20 yard field goal by the time he's 7 than he doesn't get any birthday presents. Some people call that bad parenting. I prefer tough love.

PS- The wind obviously helped push the ball an extra like 45 yards. This dude essentially ht a 25 yard field goal. Color me unimpressed.

Taylor Swift Remix

I laughed way too hard at this. Everybody and their mother has been making videos like this but this one takes the cake. Perfect. Simple. Elegant.

By the way, Taylor Swift is dating Ed Sheeran. Cool so now she's dating a guy who looks like the lovechild of the Aurora shooter and the Norway shooter. Not funny, but kind of funny at the same time. But she still won't call me back? I hate Taylor Swift, but if she ever calls me back, I'll obviously date her because my girl Jennifer Lawrence will be so jealous and obviously gonna want me even more than she already does. (not at all)

Small Talk

Business people making small talk. My worst enemy.

You guys ever see someone you know, and have a great conversation with them, and then it just ruins the rest of your day? Like I hate small talk so bad that it's palpable. You know how in romantic comedies, when someone sees someone they don't want to talk to, they like pretend to be a mannequin or dive underneath a table at a restaurant? Well I seriously do those things. But, if god forbid I accidentally make eye contact and have to talk to someone then it is obviously going to ruin my day. I always see people from high school and the conversation goes something like this:

"Hey man, hows it going? What have you been up to?"- Me

"Nothing really, just finished up my degree, currently learning how to speak Chinese."

"Oh really? Well 'Konichiwa' "

"Yeah...that's Japanese. And yeah I'm going to live over in China for a year or two."

"Well I had Chinese food last week."

"....."

"....."

"Alright, bye"


See that's what I mean. I can't hold conversations with people and try to be funny because people don't understand my humor. I'm awkward and that's why it's funny. And then they'll ask me what I'm doing and I'm like well yeah I'm trying to make a career in comedy and they're like oh, you were never really that funny, and I'm like yeah I'm still not very funny. The worst part is when you have to say bye to them. I'm awful at goodbyes, and people always say things like "We should grab a coffee and catch up" and I'm like sure I'd love to grab a drink that is going to give me diarrhea and talk to you more about your degree in Law while I talk to you about my degree in Fuck Your Face.

Picture Of The Day

For some reason, I just absolutely love this picture. Five months ago this guy was giving speeches to an entire nation, having security guards follow him everywhere, and talking about how he wanted to remove windows from airplanes. Now he's just making casual CVS runs to pick up a couple boxes of Honey Nut Cheerios. The only thing that confuses me is that I'm pretty sure that robots don't eat so I'm not quite sure why he needs the cereal. Anywho, I hated Mitt Romney while he was running for President, but I'm pretty sure I love him now. Dude is just crushing losing the Presidential Race.

Lady Gets 7 Pounds Of Weed In The Mail, Promptly Bitches About It

PLYMOUTH, Mass. (AP) — A Massachusetts woman has sued FedEx, claiming the company mistakenly sent her a package containing seven pounds of marijuana, then gave her address to the intended recipients, who later showed up at her door. Maryangela Tobin of Plymouth said in the suit filed Feb. 12 that by disclosing her address, the company violated state privacy laws and put herself and her children in danger. "I feel like the safety of my daughters and myself was invaded and it makes things complicated," she told WBZ-TV. "I walk into my house first every time, my kids don't." Tobin said she thought the package was a birthday present for her daughter, because when she opened it, she found candles, pixie sticks and peppermint. There was also something she thought was potpourri, but it was marijuana. Tobin said that about an hour later, a man knocked on her door looking for the package, while two men sat in a vehicle in her driveway, waiting. She said she didn't have it, and bolted and slammed the door. Tobin claims FedEx gave out her address, which led the men to her home. Police made an arrest, but Tobin said now she's worried about retribution. Memphis, Tenn.-based FedEx said it doesn't comment on pending lawsuits.

I hate this lady so bad. If FedEx sends my some wacky tabaccy in the mail and expects me to dole it out than I'm obviously going to do it. I mean obviously I'm gonna take a little bit but then I'll gladly give it to the right person. Maryangela (cool name) said that she felt like the safety of her daughters was in jeopardy? Of what, a couple stoners? What are they going to do, break into your house, steal all of your Doritos, drink all of your Arnold Palmer, and then watch Planet Earth on your 60 inch plasma? Because thats all people who smoke weed do. Plus, the UPS people were kind enough to fill your package up with candles, pixie sticks, and peppermints too. Uhhh, that sounds like enough for you to just give away some weed. By the way, she said at first she thought it was potpourri and was a gift for her daughters birthday. Who the FUCK is sending your daughter potpourri for her birthday? Whatever lady, just give the weed away and stop bitching.

PS- I can never unsee the arrow in between the E and the X in Fedex. Whoa Dude.

News Lady Laughs At Swimming Cat

Hey lady, it's called professionalism, ever heard of it? Probably not, because you are a local news host and skated by with C's in "journalism school". You think Holly the cat appreciates you just laughing right in her face? Holly is trying to better herself and lose weight by swimming. Its called being proactive. And hey news host, maybe you should take some tips from the workout regiment of Holly. Not saying your overweight but you aren't going to be hosting The Today Show while looking like that toots.

Anyways, the real news is how this cat is just fucking awesome. "Holly hates the outdoors and other physical activities" That is literally me in a nutshell. I usually hate cats but this one is 13 years old and probably senile as fuck, but once you put her in the pool, its go time. She's definitely a better swimmer than I am and her form is flawless. The "pussy paddle". See what I did there?

PS- Obviously this lady is laughing because she doesn't have a boyfriend and has about 4 cats and thinks this video is so darn cute.

My 5 Biggest Pet Peeves

So earlier I went and got a coffee and as I was leaving, I held the door for some broad and she straight up snubbed me. No thank you, no nothing. So naturally I was heated and came up with my 5 biggest pet peeves. So basically if you are around me and do any of these things, I will hate you forever.

5. Guys who don't pee outside- Alright let me clarify here. I'm not saying that I pee outside every time I go to the bathroom, I'm just saying that given the oppurtunity to pee outside, I am 100 % choosing that option. We were born with firehoses for dicks, why not use them greatly.

4. People who don't wave when you let them go in a car- This sucks so bad. You're just being a good samaritan letting people go before you and they're all like nahhh I'm not going to thank you. Hope your involved in a karma car crash. Alliteration for the win.

3. People who blatantly talk in class- "Dude, you're such a nerd for saying that." Sorry I would rather listen to the teacher talk than to listen to your ridiculously made up story about how you saved your neighbors cat from getting hit by a car because you "sensed" that something bad was going to happen, so you went outside. All because you are trying to impress that not even hot girl because she had to sit next to you because there weren't any other seats open.

2. People who draw on me- This one is a little out there but whatever. Remember in middle school when girls would want to draw all over you and everyone thought it was cute because it meant they had a crush on you. Well not me. I never let anyone draw on me. Maybe thats why I don't have a tattoo. Or a girlfriend.

1. People who don't thank you for holding the door- Obviously this is the worst thing ever. It literally takes two seconds to just say thank you. I'm doing you a favor so why don't you thank me for it. Thats all I ask. Biggest power move ever is if a person doesn't thank you for holding the door for them, then you just say an unwarranted "You're welcome." If you don't think I do that 10 times out of 10, then you don't really know me as a person.

I Hate This Dad

Here is the link because I suck at technology and can't find the video to put on here. No one wil actually click this so whatever. Don't even watch it.

Everybody loves this video right now. "OMG, that girl is so cute" "LOL KIDS <3" Fuck that. This video sucks. This dad is such a try hard its unbelievable. He's one of those dads that probably just dresses his daughter in weird outfits and walks around filming her all day hoping she says something funny. Well newsflash, she didn't. She was being factual and you were just egging her on. At one point he says "Go get it" and she just is like no, I'm not fucking dumb, you can't just get the moon. One last thing, is that she isn't that amazed by the moon. Kids are fucking amazed by everything. Put a god damn stick in their hands and they're like "HOLY SHIT THIS IS THE BEST THING OF ALL TIME!!" So nice try dad, but next time, try not to insult your obviously more intelligent daughter.

Yawn City

I'm already so tired of Ashlee Arnau and I've only seen this clip like twice. It's the number 1 play on Sportscenter top 10, which is RIDICULOUS. Like, I guess she has been trying this at every game since Christmas. So first of all, why? Second of all, that totally takes all the gusto out of it. If this was her first try ever than yeah I might be like, oh thats pretty cool. But she does it at every game. Give me 50 tries and im pretty sure I can do this. And I have no gymnastics training and I've only ever made like 10 half court shots. By the way you gotta love the family at the :22 mark. Just not even giving a fuck. I'd be right there with them.

And to answer the question that everybody wants me to answer: MAYBE. But that's only because she is basically an internet celebrity for the day.

Boy Goes Missing; Later Found In His Own House, Under A Bean Bag Chair

A massive search for a five-year-old boy in Wales ended when his six-year-old sister discovered him sleeping in a strange spot. Jenson Lorey of Swansea, Wales went missing at 8:15pm. His parents, police, a team of volunteers, search and rescue dogs, and even a helicopter couldn't find him. You know who could? His six year-old sister. Find out where she actually found him. It's pretty weird.

This kid is pretty much my hero. Just taking a long ass nap under a bean bag chair meanwhile his parents are off getting helicopters and rescue dogs and search parties. People panicking while this little guy is just taking probably the greatest nap in the history of man kind. Plus this guy gets the best of both worlds. Gets to take a killer nap and then when he wakes up, he gets a ton of love and probably toys and shit from his parents because they thought he was in a windowless van down by the river.

The real story here though is did you ever lose your parents when you were with them as a little kid? Like you are out in public and all the sudden you look around and see no one you know around you. Easily the most scared a human being can be. In the span of two minutes that you are panicking, you are thinking about how you are going to have to survive on your own, and how you are probably going to have to live with the wolves and how are you going to gain their respect when you know nothing about their community, but then maybe you will become their king due to your dexterity and opposable thumbs and then you can just chill with the wolves and hunt deer and shit. Oh yeah, and then your parents find you and you go home and eat some snacks.

PS- Why don't they make beds that are just made out of bean bag material. BOOM. Million dollar idea.

Cheese Rolling Is Obviously The Best Sport, Right?

I would be so fucking good at Cheese Rolling that I'm actually considering moving to Gloucestershire just so I can win the title every single year. I seriously have the balance of a cat, and love cheese, which is just added motivation. But can we talk about how many of those people just straight up couldn't go more than like 3 feet without falling? Ridiculous. Talk about letting your fans down. Some people just started rolling down the hill without even trying to run down it, which is an automatic disqualification in my book. Anyways that video was 3 minutes long and I think I saw about 4 paramedic timeouts. Awesome. Nothing like a little death while running after a wheel of cheese. But I have no doubt I make it to the bottom of the hill in under 10 seconds.

PS- Hey chick videotaping, no need to say "OWWW" every time somebody falls. We understand the concept of pain.

PPS- Best fall is obviously at 2:44

The Supposed "Five Worst Jobs"

HAHA, GET IT?!?

Face it - we all can't be singers, movie stars, or models. Most of us do have to get up and punch a clock somewhere. But that doesn't necessarily mean you have to don plaid, grow a beard, and become a lumberjack. There's a full spectrum of jobs out there, and many can be quite rewarding in terms of salary, growth, and opportunity. That is, if you know your own strengths and weaknesses, and are willing to put in the effort it takes to snag them.

Yahoo's Worst Job List

5. Logging work- This is cheating at a worst jobs list if you can include logging. Like I actually didn't know that people still logged. I just thought that was a made up job made up by people who love the environment who want to save the Earth. Still not convinced it's real.

4. Receptionist- Well than what are hot girls who went to a state college but instead of going to class got drunk and fucked frat boys and learned how to take a starburst wrapper off in their mouth going to do for work?!?!?!

3. Postal Service Clerk- I don't really know what this means exactly but I'm pretty sure it means mailman. Fuck that. I want to be a mailman so bad I can taste it. Get to drive a weirdly shaped care with a steering wheel on the wrong side and then steal little Timmy's 25 dollar birthday check that he's getting from Grandma Bethany.

2. Door to door Salesperson- This one all depends on what you are selling. If its like baseballs or old DVD's than count me out. But if you don't think I can sell the fuck out of a nice knife set than you obviously don't know me as a person. I'll convince you that you need a new briefcase just because its a motherfucking Wednesday.

1. Telemarketer- Uhh, have you seen Workaholics? Those crazy kids are telemarketers and they live the sweetest life ever. Just crushing beers on their roof, hanging out with retarded guys, and hanging out with Beiberhole69. Sign me the fuck up.

My worst 5 jobs list:
5. Waiter
4.Waiter
3. Waiter
2. Waiter
1. Christina Aguilera's dietician

Stupid Kid With Stupid Idea

Wait, is this guy deaf? Why does he sound like that? He literally sounds like he is trying to imitate Kyle. Anyways, cool fucking idea bro. I mean why cover your face? How are you going to get these chicks to fuck you. If they saw your face and you were out at a party, they'd be like "Holy shit you were that kid who gave me that rose and now lets bang." I mean, isn't that usually how it works? And like 65 % of these chicks were hot too. East Carolina University, I see you. I actually went on a tour there when I was looking at colleges and there were like only 4 hot chicks and my tour guide was a lesbian. Where were they hiding all the good ones?

PS- Cool skateboard bro. Hang 10.

PPS- I see you checking that girl out at the 3:35 mark. DAT ASS.

The Now Ironic Nike Commercial

HAHAHA. See its funny because the guy who's the spokesperson for that video shot his girlfriend and the analogy in the commercial is that his body is a weapon and it makes gun shot noises. By the way, I'm so tired of the Oscar Pistorius puns. "he doesn't have a leg to stand on in court" "more like PISTOLius" "I don't think he has a shot in the next Paralympic games". Fuck every body and their puns. But in all honesty, how is he going to post bail since he doesn't have any more money? It's gonna cost him an arm and an arm. LOL.

PS- If Pistorius ever gets out of jail and starts competitively running again, his victory songs needs to be "Pumped Up Kicks". It's fucking perfect.

Can I Date Malia Obama?

Sweet forehead. Grab some bangs like your mom toots.

DECATUR, Ga. - On this Valentine's Day, it's date night at the White House. And, apparently, President and Mrs. Obama aren't the only ones in the family with a special sweetheart.

On a stop here to push his education agenda, President Obama hinted that one of his daughters - likely the eldest, 14-year-old Malia - is officially dating.

 Can I get arrested for making fun of the President's daughter's forehead? Anyways, you know the first time you meet a girls parents and you have to meet her dad and you pretend like you're not nervous but inside you are just thinking about all the times you've fucked and you are afraid that you're going to accidentally say something like "I licked whip cream off your daughter ass dimples"? Oh wait, you guys don't think about that? Never mind, me neither. Anyways, amplify that feeling times like a million. Oh you want to meet my dad? He's the POTUS. Oh yeah, and he's black. I mean, thats not being racist, thats just being real. A dad who could throw me in Guantanamo AND beat me in a game of basketball. Fuck that.

No Big Deal, Just Meteors Hitting Russia

Alright everyone, time to find a new planet to live on. Is Mars inhabitable yet? Like it's pretty clear that Earth is pissed off at us and wants us to get the fuck off. Last week its raining spiders in Brazil and huge snowstorms causing me to not have internet for 4 days and now its just giant meteors flying through the sky in Russia. By the way, leave it to Russia to have a crazy meteor shower leaving 900 people injured. Living in another country would suck. 9 year olds giving birth in Mexico. Chinese people having to be good at math. Every other country being forced to watch soccer and pretend to enjoy it. I'm glad I live in 'MERICA where we don't have anything bad happen except mass shootings every other week and ex cops taking people hostage, and the "Buckwild" show on MTV. Wait. Fuck.

I'm Back

I know what everybody is saying, "why haven't there been any new blogs for almost a week" "This website is what I live for" because I haven't posted anything new. But while everyone reading this was having internet and shit, I was stuck basically in the early 1990's with no internet and playing N64 all weekend. But I'm back in full swing now.

So on Friday, I called out this goddamn snowstorm and said shit like "we won't get more than seven inches", and "everyone is over-reacting", blah blah blah. So naturally this storm was like oh shit I'm just going to take out the whole fucking northeast and leave everyone without power. Luckily, I had power the whole time, but I didn't have cable or internet so it kind of fucking sucked. But I broke out the N64 and shredded some Mario Party 1 and Ken Griffey Jr. Baseball and realized that if you don't think Ken Griffey baseball is the best baseball video game of all time then I loathe your existence. Pitchers throwing 116 miles per hour and graphics looked like something that my non-existent autistic cousin could make. But I hit 11 dingers with Nomar in like 7 games so it was fine. By the way Mario Party came out in 1998, when I was fucking six, and it's still a classic, and of course, character selection was key. Anyways, the N64 saved the day.

One last note about this storm, was I literally didn't leave my house for 4 days. Friday-Monday. Cabin Fever like you read about. At one point, I was pretty sure I saw Jesus in my mirror, but then it was just me because I only  I took one shower the whole time and didn't shave. "Dude, thats fucking gross" Well it's not like I had anyone to impress, and I was just taking one for the team while everyone was without power. I was simply just thinking about all the smelly and cold households that were out there and I said fuck it, I'll walk a mile in their shoes, that is, until I started to smell my own filth and then I was like okay, maybe one shower won't kill me. Anyways, the point I'm trying to make is that I look exactly like Jesus if I don't shower or shave for about a week. Who knew Jesus was such a funny blogger.

Fuck This Snowstorm

I'm so sick of this snowstorm and it hasn't even happened yet. Nor do I think it will ever really happen. I have to work tonight and my mom is lecturing me on how I shouldn't go in because everyone is banned from driving after 4pm. Is this real life? Has anyone checked outside their windows? Its flurrying and it's not sticking to the ground. Better ban driving. And I'm tired of everyone complaining about this "blizzard". Do people realize that if it does snow a lot, that it's the best thing of all time? You get to stay inside all day in your sweatpants watching tv, reading this blog, and drinking. I don't know about you guys but that sounds like the perfect day in my book.

Anyways, my mom just told me that if I need any laundry done, that I should do it now before we lose power. How long are we gonna be out of power? A month? People acting like this snowstorm could kill us all and it's really not tickling my fancy. Kick back and relax people. And naming it Nemo. Why do we give storms names? Just so people can make parody twitter accounts.

PS-I'm taking the under at 7 inches.

PPS- Love this guy and his video

Fuck This Guy

I hate this guy. He's such a try-hard. Well I wasn't a good bowler doing it the regular way, so I started doing it backwards. Fuck that. I totally understand why he was kicked out at first. No one could understand it. It was like when witches were being killed because they were doing weird shit. I kind of wish people still believed witchcraft was a deadly offense because this guy would be the first to go. Nobody has ever been cool, and been a good bowler at the same time. They are mutually exclusive. The lady who called him "asinine" hit the nail on the head. You're asinine bro.

Hey guy at the :07 second mark, you have another human coming out of your neck bro, not a good look. By the way, this video aired in 2006 but for some reason it looks like it was filmed in like 1975. It was only 7 years ago and shit already looks so dated. 

I Need This Pig

Wait, so this baby pig's name is Chris P. Bacon? That's the rudest thing you could name a pig, especially when it is as fantastic as this little fucker right here. He looks more like an Oliver. When pigs grow up, they are disgusting and that's why we kill them and eat them as bacon, but this little piglet right here? Sign me up. I'll play with this him 24 hours per day until he becomes more pig like. But this video is actually pretty cool because this little guy is just walking around on his front two legs, the wheels don't actually help out at all. Not enough weight. And another thing, I'm pretty sure they used a K'nex set to make that contraption. Fuck that. Legos until I die.

PS- Chicks love baby pigs. Fact. Imagine how much they would love a handicapped baby pig? Best wingman in town.

Restaurant Gives Out Discout For Well Behaved Children

At a time where airlines are charging more for child-free seats and people are routinely enraged about out-of-control kids in public, one restaurant is rewarding parents when their pint-size diners show good manners. When Laura King and her family got their bill at Sogno di Vino, a small Italian restaurant in Poulsbo, Washington, listed under the subtotal was something they had never seen before: A discount for "Well Behaved Kids." 

You know how many discounts I would give out daily for "well behaved kids" as a waiter? Zero. Thats right, because I have never had a table of well behaved kids. They are either spilling drinks or wanting a huge dessert that they will only take 3 bites of or they are allergic to something. If I see kids at my table I immediately wish I could tack on an extra 4 dollars instead of taking it off like in this case. Last night, after waiting on a table with kids at it, I found around 7 green beans and a marble underneath one of my tables. We don't serve green beans and some little fucker is missing a marble. Fucking kids. Can't even keep track of their marbles.

Sweet Brown Does It Again

Remember those two days where Sweet Brown was relevant? Well somehow she made it into a full time gig. Hey Shortline Dental, maybe you should choose someone who doesn't look like she was just kicked in the teeth by a horse to represent your dental office. I don't know, just a thought. And what's next? Is Kai going to start doing commercials for some hair cut place?

PS- Sweet orignal song Shortline Dental. My non-existent autistic cousin could write a better song than that.

9 Year Old Is Now A Mother

I can't wait to teach you how to ride a bike even though I don't know how to ride one myself.

MEXICO CITY — Mexican authorities say a 9-year-old girl has given birth in western Mexico and they are looking for the purported father, a 17-year-old.

Jalisco state police spokesman Lino Gonzalez says the baby girl was born last week at a hospital in the city of Guadalajara. He says the girl and her baby are doing well.

Typical Mexico. All joking aside, this story is pretty fucked up. That's a third grader. Like, 9 year olds should be worried about coloring inside the lines, not mothering children, but because I'm weird, I'm gonna try to think of some pros of this. I mean who better to play with a child, than a child itself. You know when families have two kids and they just stick them in a room together and forget about them for a while, well its the same thing here except one of them is the mom. Another good thing is that the mom can teach her daughter to write and read at a young age because she literally just learned how to do that stuff herself. Plus, when they go out on the town together (pretty sure the drinking age is 13 in Mexico) the mom is going to feel so great when everybody says to the daughter, "who is this your sister?" No it's my mom who is fucking NINE years older than me.

PS- They're searching for the dad?  Shocking.

PPS- Just typed in "9 year old" in google looking for a picture to use and immediately Chris Hansen was knocking on my door.

2 Year Old Is Already A Better Basketball Player Than Me

Hate to break it to you kid, but that shooting motion will never fly in the pros. Block city. Anyways, Titus here does have some serious game and next thing you know the Lakers will be signing him to shoot Dwight Howards free throws. Great video.

PS- At the 2:32 mark, kid hits a jumper of the backboard. Glad he's learning to play basketball like a white guy.

PPS- Hey parents, pick a better song as the background next time. Get that acoustic guitar shit out of my face.