Holly Madison Names Her Daughter Rainbow Aurora

 

At least we know she won't have trouble breastfeeding

 Move over, Suri, Apple, and Maxwell … there’s a new Hollywood daughter with a quirky name. Holly Madison announced on Friday that she and boyfriend Pasquale Rotella have given their newborn the moniker Rainbow Aurora (no, we’re not kidding).

Not even joking, but is Holly Madison's IQ above 50? I certainly had my doubts before this but I'm positive she is mentally challenged now. Rainbow Aurora? You do realize Holly, that your daughter is automatically destined to be a porn star now right? I mean, technically her mom did become famous for being naked and people taking pictures of her, but in today's day and age, thats what it takes. And wait, I thought she was married to Hugh Hefner. Like I thought that was the deal, she lived in his house and had to walk around naked and had to give him his viagra and had to fuck his old bag of bones body. Now I found out she's married to some dude named Pasquale? Fuck that.

PS- My kicker son's name is obviously going to be named Big-Leg Kennedy.

I'd Like To Own A Bunch Of Gorillas

Lets start this off in saying that if you don't think evolution exists, than you are an absolute fool. Did you see that gorilla? Literally the exact same movements that I have when I am playing in a pile of leaves. Just doing somersaults like he was teaming up with Mckayla Maroney in a floor routine in the London Olympics. Gorillas are the fucking shit. If I could own a flange (look it up) of gorillas, I would in a heartbeat. I mean, I might get my face ripped off but it is obviously well worth it. I would create a football team of all gorillas and if you don't think we are headed straight for the NFL than get the fuck out of my face. By the way, the music that was set to this video was fucking perfect. Aside, from that nerdy girl talking at the begining, Khazi the gorilla just goes straight ape-shit (see what I did there?) and the head banging music is just perfect. A+ video.

PS- All gorillas eat are bananas right? I can't afford anything else.

I Hate All Teachers Who Do Shit Like This

I hate this teacher so bad that its palpable. Like, I get it, this teacher was a nerd all throughout high school and was always picked on so he decided to go back to high school and do it all again, except it backfired. You're still a nerd bro. It's almost sad because do you know how much time this guy spent on making this video? Probably at least a month. Probably went home every day after school, fed his cat, jerked off, made a microwaveable dinner, watched Jeopardy in hopes that one day he will be on the show (he won't), worked on this video all night, and then went to bad. Rinse, wash, repeat. All for this corny ass video that maybe like 7 of his students laughed at? It was like 3 minutes too long. Better luck next time bro.

Will Amish People Love Federal Prison?

CLEVELAND (AP) — Sixteen Amish men and women who have lived rural, self-sufficient lives surrounded by extended family and with little outside contact are facing regimented routines in afederal prison system where almost half of inmates are behind bars for drug offenses and modern conveniences, such as television, will be a constant temptation.

Prison rules will allow the 10 men convicted in beard- and hair-cutting attacks on fellow Amish in eastern Ohio to keep their religiously important beards, but they must wear standard prison khaki or green work uniforms instead of the dark outfits they favor. Jumper dresses will be an option for the six Amish women, who will be barred from wearing their typical long, dark dresses and bonnets.

Now I am on record in saying that I would fucking love to be Amish. Just riding horses all day. Ideal life. But what I didn't know is that they could go to federal prison. I thought Amish people handled things themselves and if two neighboring squads got into a fight, than they just held a head to head butter churning competition and the squad who loses, dies. Like I thought that was general knowledge, but nope.  But these guys are tough as fuck. Beard cutting? Beards are sacred to the Amish. Like cows to people from India. Like AIDS to Africa. Like Kim Kardashians pregnant ass to the US.

You might say, "Wow, this is going to be a tough experience for them." But here is the thing. They will think prison is the shit. Since they've never experienced the outside world, they are going to think that their new prison life is as luxurious as it gets. Watching TV and maybe playing a little Wii. (pretty sure thats what happens in prison) These Amish fuckers are going to want to stay in prison for the rest of their lives.

PS- If you don't think they will be RUNNING that prison within 2 weeks of being there than you are wrong. Amish are hardcore.

340,000 Year Old Man Found

I wanna chill with these dudes so bad

DNA evidence has revealed that the oldest known common male ancestor is 340,000 year old, more than twice as old as previous estimates. New Scientist reports that the sample comes from a recently deceased man named Albert Perry. After the African-American South Carolina man died, one of his relatives submitted a sample of his DNA to a company called Family Tree DNA for analysis. The findings were published in the The American Journal of Human Genetics and may require researchers to adjust the known timeline of humankind’s evolution.

Not gonna make a joke here. That's fucking insane. 340,000 years ago there was just some humans chillen, banging fellow cave-girls, and killing saber tooth tigers and shit. Living 340,000 years ago would be fucking awesome. Just riding dinosaurs to work, as a caveman lawyer who deals exclusively with pterodactyl (nailed that on the first spelling attempt) law. There were no rules back then, if you wanted to fuck animals, then you fucked animals. I'm not saying that I want to fuck animals, I would just like to know that I had the freedom to choose to do so. Plus, I'm pretty sure they didn't even have spoken language back then, so cavemen didn't have to listen to their cave-girlfriend nagging him to take out the wooly-mammoth carcass that they had for dinner 2 nights ago. When time machines come around, I am most definitely going back and being a caveman. Just to go on the record of saying this, I loathe all Geico commercials, especially the fucking cavemen ones.

70 Yard Field Goal

First of all, if you watched all two minutes of that video than you are a psychopath. Hey editors, ever heard of building up the suspense? Nope. Just kicks the 70 yarder and then goes on to show how he can kick extra points like my non existent autistic cousin can do. And there was no music set to it? What the fuck is that? Anyways, the real story here is how I just decided that my son is 150% going to be a kicker. Right out of the womb I'm gonna have him doing kicking exercises and shit. If he can't make a 20 yard field goal by the time he's 7 than he doesn't get any birthday presents. Some people call that bad parenting. I prefer tough love.

PS- The wind obviously helped push the ball an extra like 45 yards. This dude essentially ht a 25 yard field goal. Color me unimpressed.