A Moment That Changed My Life

Guarantee this is what I looked like to any passerby 

So today I faced a challenge that was unlike any challenge I've ever faced. Let me set the scene for you, its a rainy day here in Barnstable, and not just that rain that you don't really mind because you can curl up and watch 8 episodes of your favorite TV show and not feel like a total scrub, but the cold slushy rain that is almost snow and you just want to kick it in the face. Anyways, I have a class at 2 pm and as always I stroll confidently out of my house a cool 10 minutes early because I live within 1 mile of the school and I absolutely HATE being the first kid in class. So I hop in my car and try to start it. It won't start. I immediately look at my lights and they've been on for a few hours now. Fuck. Battery is dead. 1:50:12

"Whatever, I'll just skip class today. NBD." Fuck. I have a test today. Fuck. And this professor is one of those professors that won't take any excuse. Even if you missed the test because you helped President Obama from an imminent alien attack, she'd be like, "still get a 0 on the test." Game time. I immediately start running down my road with backpack in tow looking like I'm running away from a murderer who just accidentally allowed me to escape.  I WAS THAT FUCKING GUY. You know in the show "24" when the screen would go black except for what time it was on the screen? Well thats what I felt like was going on in my head. 1:53:49. I'm never going to make. Time to put it in high gear. Rain is pelting down on my face and I finally realize that if I was a girl, I probably wouldn't want to take it on the face either. Running down route 132 in my P.F. Flyers and some fucker has the audacity to fucking beep at me. Like he's just trying to let me know its raining and that I probably shouldn't be running in this weather. Thanks chief.

1:55:35 I finally get to campus but I still have to get all the way across to the other side to get where my class is. So I'm doing that awkward speed walk where it just looks like I took a dump in my pants and I'm just trying to get to the closest toilet. Three people just stared at me while I poop-walked by. Thanks for your concern, fuckers.

2:00:01 I walk into class soaking wet and everyone already has their test, but fuck it, because at least I got there. I sit down and the girl next to me asks "Why the fuck are you so out of breath". Well I just fucking ran from my house to get to a community college to take a test that I probably don't need to take because this class is so easy and now my brain is really evaluating my decision making processes and wondering why I don't own a bike or a scooter.

PS-Aced that fucking test

PPS- I really wrote this thinking that I'm a hero or something when in reality, I had to run like under a mile in 10 minutes. Not that awesome. Fuck.

See Through Yoga Pants Pulled Off Shelf

Obviously not best picture, but come on, this is a family blog. Sort of

The ubiquitous black workout pants with the horseshoe-like symbol might be a little harder to spot in the coming weeks.

Lululemon said Monday a problem in the manufacturing of its popular black Luon pants has led to "sheerness." That led the company to pull about 17 percent of the pants from stores, showrooms and the website.

Lululemon said it expects "for the near term there will be a shortage of these styles available to our guests."

Isn't that exactly the point of yoga pants? For guys to see what they have been dreaming about? Yoga pants are easily the best invention in the past 100 years and I'm not saying that in a creepy way but actually I am. Remember in high school, when you couldn't wait for girls to start wearing shorts and even though they were basically knickers, you still got a mid class boner? Well now with yoga pants, you basically have to walk around with your dick tucked into your waistband because every girl wears them and holy shit they leave nothing to the imagination. And girls say they wear them because they are comfortable. Bullshit. You wear them because your ass looks fucking fantastic. They should just start making invisible yoga pants and I guarantee women would be running the world within 2 weeks. I'm pretty sure God made yoga pants so that men could survive 8 am classes. Wanna see an awesome Not Safe For Work gallery of yoga pants? The Chive

PS- If you don't think I would wear the FUCK out of yoga pants if it was socially acceptable than you just don't know me as a person.

PPS- Not to be rude, but fat girls probably shouldn't ever wear them unless they are going to the gym. That was a rude, yet nice comment.

Kids Wearing Shirts Saying What They Are Allergic To

Not being racist, but I'm kind of surprised black people are allergic to anything

Move over, note-pinning. Kym Whitley, a comedian and reality television show star, is launching a new line of "Don't Feed Me" T-shirts that parents of allergic kids can use to alert caregivers and others who might feed their children. Parents can use a pen to fill in the child's name and check off boxes of what the child is allergic to. Whitley first made the shirts for her son, Joshua, 2, who wore them to day care.

I hate this so much. First of all, I don't believe allergies are a real thing. Completely made up by people who want special attention. Basically my thinking behind that is, well I'm not allergic to anything, so everybody else is just making it up. But here is my real issue, are these little fuckers just going to wear these shirts around everyday? Well they're going to start smelling bad and I'd rather have my kid eat something that he is "allergic" to, rather than be the smelly kid in class. Nobody likes that kid, and my kid is going to be the kicker on the football team so EVERYONE is going to like him. Plus, remember that one time in school where some kid had an allergy attack and the teacher had to stab the fuck out of him with his EpiPen? Best fucking day ever. Fuck this shirt and fuck allergies.

PS- People can be allergic to strawberries? That has to be the worst allergy of all time.

Tiger Woods Dating Lindsay Vonn

"This season has been great so far and I'm happy with my wins at Torrey and Doral. Something nice that's happened off the course was meeting Lindsey Vonn. Lindsey and I have been friends for some time, but over the last few months we have become very close and are now dating. We thank you for your support and for respecting our privacy. We want to continue our relationship, privately, as an ordinary couple and continue to compete as athletes." --Statement from Tiger Woods

Now everybody knows I love Tiger Woods. He is the cockiest asshole in the entire world, and if you don't like him than you're jealous. Dude just wins tournaments and bangs porn stars, and I'm supposed to be mad at him? In saying that, this statement from Tiger is a little ridiculous. Like why even put out this statement? I don't care who you are having sex with as long as you are in the final grouping on Sunday at the Masters. By the way, he put this on his facebook page, because nothing says irony like asking for privacy while posting pictures of you canoodling with your women all over facebook. By the way, didn't Lindsay Vonn just shred her ACL? YUP Smart move by Tiger here to start dating a girl who cant move so that when she catches him with some hot broad, he can simply just walk away and she can do nothing about it.

PS-Tiger your girlfriend. WOOF!

PS- Two golf blogs in a row? Just lost half my readers.

Simple Golf Tip

HAHAHAHAH. GET IT?!? This video pisses me off because I was all ready to learn the one thing I could do to make myself a better golfer and this guy just goes ahead and says like 3 words that I can pronounce.

But in all reality, golf is the hardest sport in the world. You can hit the ball 300 yards in one shot and then it takes 5 more shots to get the ball into a cup thats 15 feet away. It's just so frustrating. The drive to the golf course you are like alright I can't wait to play. Then you start playing and you're like fuck this shit. Then you leave and you're like wow that was a good time. It makes you delusional. But I like golf because it's the only time you can yell at yourself in the first person and not be seen as a crazy person. The first few times playing with my dad, he would always yell "God, damnit Michael" and I was thinking in my head, well what the fuck did I do, it was your piss poor shot. I started liking my dad a lot more after I realized you are allowed to yell at yourself.

9 Year Old Explains Meaning Of Life

Some times I wonder how I made it this far in life because I don't know how to put the video from Youtube here. Whatever, click this link.

This kid just absolutely blew my mind. Instead of paying for my philosophy 101 class that I'm taking right now, I just should have this video play on repeat 4-5 times. He said shit and I was like "yeah I totally agree with that". Kid is fucking 9 years old. When I was 9 years old, the only thing that I was worried about was nap time, snack time, and playing with my dick. This kid is talking about alternative life forms and other galaxies and shit. By the way, his meaning of life explanation is probably the truest explanation I've ever heard. Keep doing you kid, keep doing you.

PS- How fucking baked is this kid.