Community College

This picture epitomizes community college for some reason

Do you want to disappoint your parents? Drop out of college. Want to REALLY disappoint your parents? Drop out of college and tell them you are pursuing a career in blogging/comedy. When I told my parents I wasn't going back to a real college it was the most upset I had seen them in a long time. It goes 1.) Grandmother dying 2.) Me dropping out of school 3.) 9/11 4.) Telling me and my sisters they were getting a divorce. Whatever though because they'll continue to be upset with me when I'm famous and they don't get any of my money. Just kidding, they'll get like 3.2% of my earnings.

But in all reality, I didn't really drop out of school, I just transfered to a community college. And community college is weird because it is like the Special Olympics of colleges. No, I'm serious, there are 2 Special Olympic athletes in my class, and yeah they probably have better grades than me, but thats not the point. The point is that I may or may not be retarded. Community college fucking sucks though because everyone, and I mean everyone, is fucking 40 years older than you, and they're either just taking classes because they were court ordered to or they are recently divorced, thoroughly unhappy ladies who obviously live with 6 cats. The worst part is that every student there has kids. I'm taking a child psychology class and its literally 22 chicks and 3 dudes. Anyway, every time the teacher says ANYTHING some chick will raise her hand and be like "Oh thats so weird, my 1 year old also poops in a diaper! " Yeah, no fucking shit lady. And hot girls? Forget about it. You will be lucky if you see one attractive girl walking around campus and chances are she's still a high school student and now you hate yourself for thinking about hooking up with a 17 year old. Like I hooked up with probably the hottest chick on that campus last year (tooting my own horn, per usual) and she was like an 8.3 at best. Last bad thing to say about it is that you see all those kids you went to high school with that ended up there, and I disliked like 87% of my high school so the odds don't really work out in my favor.

Whatever though, because my RA is really cool at the new place because she lets me keep beer in the fridge, doesn't get mad when I yell at newbs on Xbox live, and lets me keep my weed paraphernalia (totally had to look up that spelling on google) out in the open.

PS- My RA is my mom

Can All Dogs do This?

Really, that's the best part of your day mailman? Anyways I fucking love this dog and I now absolutely need a dog so I can train it to do this to me. The only negative thing I have to say is that aren't dogs and mailmen supposed to be rivals? I just think this dog is kind of ruining his reputation by befriending and receiving a gift from his arch enemy. Whatever, still love this video.

PS- Sweet 10x10 fenced in yard area. Just about big enough to do absolutely nothing outside.

Get a Life Bro

Usually I have two rules of thumb when it comes to viral videos. 1.) No World Star Hip Hop videos and 2.) No videos over 2 minutes long, but I will make an exception here. Everybody is going to be like "Wow, what a great thing he is doing here. Trying to get rid of drug dealers" but not so fast. Let these people do their business. Let homie try and make a little extra cash, it's not hurting you bro. By the way, you're in Atlanta and if T.I. taught me anything, its that this is normal happening in the ATL.

Does this guy work for the places or is he just going around into random stores just hoping to find some drug dealers? And another thing, where is this guys camera? His belt? I'd really like to see another angle where I get to see where his camera is located. No shit no one is going to take you seriously when you have a camera tied around your stomach, and you're holding a clipboard. Get out of my face with that shit. No one takes you seriously.

PS- Absolutely love that first guy. First name "asswipe" last name "shit-eater". If you don't think that's going to be my new alias then you've got another thing coming.

Perfect Streaking

This is straight up execution. This guy has obviously been preparing for this moment for weeks and when his moment finally came, he shined. The double fence jump was impressive, as was evasiveness from not just one, but two people. Fuck the announcer who tried to steal his thunder though, like bro, everyone knows when something amazing is happening on the field, you just got to be quiet and let it happen. Like Jim Nantz at the Masters. By the way, what was he wearing on his head? Guaranteed that was one of those stupid book covers that high school teachers made you put on your book like you were accidentally going to rip the cover off. Fuck high school. If I could go back, I would do it like this kid. No fear, and this had to get him laid within the social circles in which he entrusted telling his most famous heist yet. Plus, the get away car was literally perfectly timed. A+ getaway driver. If I'm ever in a heist, which I plan to be, I'm obviously going to be the driver because I've never been in an accident and I'm thinking about trying out for NASCAR. The only bad thing in this scenario is that you have to drive with a naked dude in the seat next to you, and it looked like a cold night so his dick may be suffering from some serious shrinkage.

PS- Cool tan lines bro. If I know I'm streaking at an event, I'm easily going tanning a few weeks ahead of time so I don't look like this guy.

If You Aren't Watching the Bikini Basketball League, Then You are Doing it Wrong

Deiondra Sanders

"Deion Sanders was a two-sport athlete. Now his daughter is making a name for herself by playing a sports league named after a two-piece bathing suit. Deiondra Sanders, daughter of the Hall of Fame football player, has agreed to play in the upstartBikini Basketball League this season. Featuring several former professional basketball players including some who have played in the WNBA and overseas, the league is a bit of a misnomer as the players wear shorts and sports bras and not actual bathing suits. Still, it amounts to a little more material than Deion’s famous bandanna he’d wear on his head on game day. And even though Deiondra's father was known for his flamboyant personality including gold chains and exuberant touchdown dances, his daughter's signing with the league didn’t originally sit well with dear old dad."

First of all, Deion named his daughter Deiondra. That's the ultimate ego-maniac move from Deion and I wouldn't expect anything less. Literally just added a "dra" onto his own name and was like, "Boom, genius." Anyways, yeah no shit your dad isn't happy about you joining the Bikini Basketball League. Deion is the most electric player in NFL history and now his daughter is playing a professional version of strip basketball. Reminds me of how Samuel L. Jackson disowned his daughter after she started doing porn.

But, in all reality this isn't that bad, they don't even wear real bikinis. It's sports bras and shorts. And its not even like any of them are really that hot. Link here. It's basically like the WNBA was just like "alright, everybody take your shirts off and maybe we will get more fans." But they actually have me sold, and if you don't think I'll be tuning in to the BBA tip-off night then you don't know me as a human being. Opening night party at my house and if you dare bring vegetables or a taco 12 pack to my house then you're never invited back.

PS- The team names are hilarious. Orlando Lady Cats. Miami Spice. Minnesota Mist. Atlanta Peaches. Illinois Heart. Philadelphia Diamonds. It's like the "Original 6" in the NHL.

PPS- How the fuck did Illinois get a team?

Dude Just Shredding 100 Foot Wave

Hawaiian big-wave surfer Garrett McNamara will go to any lengths to chase a massive swell. On Monday that pursuit took him back to Praia do Norte, a tiny coastal village about 60 miles north of Lisbon, Portugal, where he got pulled into a massive wave that has the entire surfing world in awe. What's remarkable about the wave McNamara rode Monday is how much bigger it appears than his record-breaking ride at the very same spot back in November of 2011. That 2011 ride is currently recognized as the Guinness World Record for the largest wave ever surfed, at 78 feet.

FUCK THAT. I've always said that surfers or skateboarders are a different breed of human. Like I tried skateboarding when I was younger and yeah I could ollie so I was a big deal, but immediately after that I tried a kickflip and almost died. True story. Anyways, this Garrett McNamara dude lives the fucking dream. Dude just waits around probably smoking weed and banging chicks and then someone tells him theres gonna be a 100 foot wave and hes just like, yeahhh I guess I'll surf it. My version of thrill is when I go over a sort of big hill in my car and I get that feeling in the pit of my stomach like I just rode the "Tower of Terror". GMAC over here just shreds 100 foot waves like its nothing.

PS- Imagine showing someone from the year 1900 this picture and tried to explain it? "Yeah, thats a 100 foot wave, and you see that speck right there? Yeah, thats a human and he's on this bit of plastic and he's totally not going to die." Witchcraft.

NCAA Won't Allow Akron to Put Twitter Handle on Jerseys

When Akron requested the right to wear its men's basketball Twitter handle on the back of its jerseys Saturday night against Ohio, NCAA officials undoubtedly faced a nightmarish PR dilemma. One option was to grant the request only days after denying Iowa the right to wear Chris Street's last name on the back of its jerseys in honor of the 20th anniversary of his death. The other option was to turn down Akron's request as well, killing a clever idea by the Zips to increase their Twitter following as part of their Social Media Day promotion.Not surprisingly the NCAA chose the latter approach. Akron announced Monday evening that "@ZipsMBB" will appear on the back of their shooting shirts during warmups on Saturday night but not on the backs of their jerseys.

Hey Akron, instead of trying to get more twitter followers, how about you try and focus on winning basketball games. "Hey Mike, they are 15-4 ." Well maybe they'd be 19-0 if they stopped trying to put twitter handles on the back of their jerseys. Another question, did the players want to do this? Because personally I like the classic no name on the back of they jersey, but I think I'd rather have my name on the jersey opposed to @ZipsMBB. That just seems like something a Mens League would do. I dont know.  If anything, I think it would be way cooler if each player got to put their own twitter handle on each of their jerseys because if @mjkennedy22 was on the back of my jersey, I'm easily putting up 25 points and 14 assists. It's called honor.

Taco Bell Commercial Pulled Off Air

NEW YORK (AP) -- Taco Bell is pulling a TV ad after receiving complaints that it discouraged people from eating vegetables. The ad by the fast-food chain was touting its variety 12-pack of tacos, with a voiceover saying that bringing a vegetable tray to a party is "like punting on fourth and one." It said that people secretly hate guests who bring vegetables to parties. The Center for Science in the Public Interest, a health advocacy group, this weekend urged people to tweet their complaints about the ad and the chain quickly made the decision to pull it. "We didn't want anyone to misinterpret the intent of the ad," says Rob Poetsch, a Taco Bell spokesman. The Center for Science in the Public Interest thanked Taco Bell for its speedy response.

So this commercial got pulled off tv because it was factual? If someone showed up to my house with a pack of vegetables in order to watch a football game at my house, I'm obviously impolitely asking them to leave. Then again if someone brings a taco 12 pack to my house, I may call the police because they are obviously a rapist/murderer. These commercials make it out to be perfectly sane to just randomly bring 12 tacos over to someones house? Newsflash: thats something a crazy person does. I'd definitely rather someone bring my carrots and ranch dressing then Doritos locos tacos.

Amazing Basketball Play

So that 3 pointer counted right? I mean when they blew the whistle I hadn't even noticed what was wrong. That coach was so silky smooth. Didn't even skip a beat, I bet he actually was calling for the ball. Thats they kind of guy I want coaching my team. Anyways, why are there black guys in Russia? Didn't know that happened over there. And why the fuck is there someone with a vuvuzela in the background? Who brings one of those to a basketball game? I dont know Russia, just keep doing your thing, I guess.

Scooter Shredder

Points for alliteration in the title. But do you know how many times I was asked, when I was younger, if I was nicknamed "Scooter" because I was really good on a razor scooter? Like 3 billion. Now I kind of wish that was the case. I can't even fathom doing any of the shit that that guy was doing right there. Insane. I kind of hate the X games because it takes over ESPN for 3 days every year and only half the shit is cool at all, but if they don't have a scooter segment of the summer X games then I'm not really sure what exactly they are doing. Shred city.

PS- Only thing that could have made this better is if the dude fell like 10 times. People falling is hilarious.

Guy Just Escaping Jail for the Second Time

 "A nationwide manhunt is underway for a career criminal who has twice escaped from jail by switching identities with other inmates. Authorities did not notice Rocky Marquez, 34, was missing from a Detroit jail until five days after he walked out the front door undetected. "Mr. Marquez does have a bit of a head start, but we have the best of the best working on this case and I'm confident Rocky will be put behind bars," said Deputy U.S. Marshal Frederick J. Freeman. A fugitive apprehension team along with the U.S. Marshals and other police agencies are searching for Marquez. According to police, on Jan. 20, Marquez switched ID wristbands with another inmate, who was about to be freed on bond. Marquez then simply walked out of the Wayne County jail."

I'm pretty sure I could escape from jail. All this guy did was switch wristbands with another inmate and nobody noticed? This guy just walked out the front door? And how about the guy who was actually supposed to get out of jail, did he get compensated for staying in there? Like he got 2 extra packs of cigarettes this week and didn't get shivved. Anyways, it says that this was this dudes SECOND time escaping from jail. You'd think if somebody escaped once before you might keep an extra eye on him all the time, but nope they just let him walk out the front door. And yeah this guy will probably get caught and thrown back in jail, but he'll be the dude walking around being able to choose whoever he wants to "drop the soap", because he's the guy that escaped from jail. Twice.