Taylor Swift Remix

I laughed way too hard at this. Everybody and their mother has been making videos like this but this one takes the cake. Perfect. Simple. Elegant.

By the way, Taylor Swift is dating Ed Sheeran. Cool so now she's dating a guy who looks like the lovechild of the Aurora shooter and the Norway shooter. Not funny, but kind of funny at the same time. But she still won't call me back? I hate Taylor Swift, but if she ever calls me back, I'll obviously date her because my girl Jennifer Lawrence will be so jealous and obviously gonna want me even more than she already does. (not at all)

Small Talk

Business people making small talk. My worst enemy.

You guys ever see someone you know, and have a great conversation with them, and then it just ruins the rest of your day? Like I hate small talk so bad that it's palpable. You know how in romantic comedies, when someone sees someone they don't want to talk to, they like pretend to be a mannequin or dive underneath a table at a restaurant? Well I seriously do those things. But, if god forbid I accidentally make eye contact and have to talk to someone then it is obviously going to ruin my day. I always see people from high school and the conversation goes something like this:

"Hey man, hows it going? What have you been up to?"- Me

"Nothing really, just finished up my degree, currently learning how to speak Chinese."

"Oh really? Well 'Konichiwa' "

"Yeah...that's Japanese. And yeah I'm going to live over in China for a year or two."

"Well I had Chinese food last week."

"....."

"....."

"Alright, bye"


See that's what I mean. I can't hold conversations with people and try to be funny because people don't understand my humor. I'm awkward and that's why it's funny. And then they'll ask me what I'm doing and I'm like well yeah I'm trying to make a career in comedy and they're like oh, you were never really that funny, and I'm like yeah I'm still not very funny. The worst part is when you have to say bye to them. I'm awful at goodbyes, and people always say things like "We should grab a coffee and catch up" and I'm like sure I'd love to grab a drink that is going to give me diarrhea and talk to you more about your degree in Law while I talk to you about my degree in Fuck Your Face.

Picture Of The Day

For some reason, I just absolutely love this picture. Five months ago this guy was giving speeches to an entire nation, having security guards follow him everywhere, and talking about how he wanted to remove windows from airplanes. Now he's just making casual CVS runs to pick up a couple boxes of Honey Nut Cheerios. The only thing that confuses me is that I'm pretty sure that robots don't eat so I'm not quite sure why he needs the cereal. Anywho, I hated Mitt Romney while he was running for President, but I'm pretty sure I love him now. Dude is just crushing losing the Presidential Race.

Lady Gets 7 Pounds Of Weed In The Mail, Promptly Bitches About It

PLYMOUTH, Mass. (AP) — A Massachusetts woman has sued FedEx, claiming the company mistakenly sent her a package containing seven pounds of marijuana, then gave her address to the intended recipients, who later showed up at her door. Maryangela Tobin of Plymouth said in the suit filed Feb. 12 that by disclosing her address, the company violated state privacy laws and put herself and her children in danger. "I feel like the safety of my daughters and myself was invaded and it makes things complicated," she told WBZ-TV. "I walk into my house first every time, my kids don't." Tobin said she thought the package was a birthday present for her daughter, because when she opened it, she found candles, pixie sticks and peppermint. There was also something she thought was potpourri, but it was marijuana. Tobin said that about an hour later, a man knocked on her door looking for the package, while two men sat in a vehicle in her driveway, waiting. She said she didn't have it, and bolted and slammed the door. Tobin claims FedEx gave out her address, which led the men to her home. Police made an arrest, but Tobin said now she's worried about retribution. Memphis, Tenn.-based FedEx said it doesn't comment on pending lawsuits.

I hate this lady so bad. If FedEx sends my some wacky tabaccy in the mail and expects me to dole it out than I'm obviously going to do it. I mean obviously I'm gonna take a little bit but then I'll gladly give it to the right person. Maryangela (cool name) said that she felt like the safety of her daughters was in jeopardy? Of what, a couple stoners? What are they going to do, break into your house, steal all of your Doritos, drink all of your Arnold Palmer, and then watch Planet Earth on your 60 inch plasma? Because thats all people who smoke weed do. Plus, the UPS people were kind enough to fill your package up with candles, pixie sticks, and peppermints too. Uhhh, that sounds like enough for you to just give away some weed. By the way, she said at first she thought it was potpourri and was a gift for her daughters birthday. Who the FUCK is sending your daughter potpourri for her birthday? Whatever lady, just give the weed away and stop bitching.

PS- I can never unsee the arrow in between the E and the X in Fedex. Whoa Dude.

News Lady Laughs At Swimming Cat

Hey lady, it's called professionalism, ever heard of it? Probably not, because you are a local news host and skated by with C's in "journalism school". You think Holly the cat appreciates you just laughing right in her face? Holly is trying to better herself and lose weight by swimming. Its called being proactive. And hey news host, maybe you should take some tips from the workout regiment of Holly. Not saying your overweight but you aren't going to be hosting The Today Show while looking like that toots.

Anyways, the real news is how this cat is just fucking awesome. "Holly hates the outdoors and other physical activities" That is literally me in a nutshell. I usually hate cats but this one is 13 years old and probably senile as fuck, but once you put her in the pool, its go time. She's definitely a better swimmer than I am and her form is flawless. The "pussy paddle". See what I did there?

PS- Obviously this lady is laughing because she doesn't have a boyfriend and has about 4 cats and thinks this video is so darn cute.