I Hate Christmas Season Overachievers

So it's about two and half weeks until Christmas, which is fantastic. I love Christmas; you get gifts you definitely don't deserve, and get to get drunk with family members and talk about how you all hate each other. Wait, is that just my family? Anyways, I don't just love Christmas, I love the whole month of December, I'm basically just a chick who loves snowflakes and red cups at Starbucks. I'll admit it, I love watching Christmas movies all December long. Sue me.

Unfortunately this year, I've noticed a disgusting trend. I have seen numerous people who post on Facebook say that they are done with their Christmas shopping already. WHAT? I have always hated Black Friday because it ruins shopping for Christmas. One of my favorite Christmas traditions is going to the mall the week before Christmas when trying to find a parking spot is as hard as finding a woman who wants me for me and not my incredible body. I was appalled when I saw a few days ago that someone said they were already done with their shopping. I haven't even viewed Home Alone for the first time yet, so if everyone would kindly slow their roles and go shopping a few days before Christmas like every other red blooded American, where you may or may not have to punt a baby to get what you need, that would be fantastic.

PS- The day before Christmas shoppers are the best. It's usually just a herd of middle aged men carrying 40 bags of unwarranted toys for their shitty kids.

PPS- This is on an unrelated note, but I loathe family Christmas cards. Hate when people try to be funny and look put together even though taking that one good picture was the hardest thing you've ever had to do as a family. You're not fooling anyone, family everyone hates.

PPPS- Elf on the shelf is probably the single reason I could never have kids. The concept of having to change the placement of a toy elf to keep your kids believing in Santa is too high risk, low reward. I just know some NFL Sunday I would drink too many beers and eat too much pizza and forget to move that little fucker from the shelf to the other shelf and ruin all my kids hopes and dreams.

CNN Put Together A List Of Internet Acronyms Every Parent Needs To Know.

1. IWSN - I want sex now

2. GNOC - Get naked on camera

3. NIFOC - Naked in front of computer

4. PIR - Parent in room

5 CU46 - See you for sex

6. 53X - Sex

7. 9 - Parent watching

8. 99 - Parent gone

9. 1174' - Party meeting place

10. THOT - That hoe over there

11. CID - Acid (the drug)

12. Broken - Hungover from alcohol

13. 420 - Marijuana

14. POS - Parent over shoulder

15. SUGARPIC - Suggestive or erotic photo

16. KOTL - Kiss on the lips

17. (L)MIRL - Let's meet in real life

18. PRON - Porn

19. TDTM - Talk dirty to me

20. 8 - Oral sex

21. CD9 - Parents around/Code 9

22. IPN - I'm posting naked

23. LH6 - Let's have sex

24. WTTP - Want to trade pictures?

25. DOC - Drug of choice

26. TWD - Texting while driving

27. GYPO - Get your pants off

28. KPC- Keeping parents clueless

I'm not even joking when I say this: this was the hardest I've laughed in a long time. This astounds me that CNN put this list together and clicked publish and that was considered work for someone. I mean I know one of these from AIM (Sc00ter31592, add me) and that's POS. And that's it, from the whole list. So I'd like to take the time to go over some of my favorite "acronyms that ever parent should know."

3.) NIFOC- Naked in front of camera

I don't even understand this one. Am I texting someone NIFOC and expecting them to be impressed that I'm just alone standing naked in front of my computer. Believe me when I say this, I am at my worst when I am naked in front of my computer.

6.) 53X- Sex

I'll admit this one is good. Those numbers look like letters and that's why it's funny. Hey man, wanna join the PEN15 club, you just have to let me write it on your hand and then you can be a part of the club. 

13.) 420- Marijuana

Luckily for you parents, if you're child has ever really used the term 420 than he also has never actually smoked weed before.

15.) Sugarpic- Suggestive or erotic photo

This one might be my favorite. Like even if your parent saw you say this they would be like what the fuck is going on here. This isn't coding anything. If my 82 year old grandmother saw the word "sugarpic" she would be like oh yeah that person wants a little sexting action. 

16.) KOTL- Kiss on the lips

If your child's biggest secret is kissing someone on the lips than your child has nothing to hide.

18.) PRON- Porn

HAHAHahHAHAahah someone wrote this list and legitimately thought this was a good addition.

22. IPN- I'm posting naked

Where is this message going? Where is this person posting naked, and who are they telling? I mean if you're going to send a naked picture, than just send it, no need for pleasantries and letting me know that you are going to be posting naked.

26.) TWD- Texting while driving 

#X

Honestly this list looks like something The Onion would post, but nope, it's just one of the most popular news outlets in the entire world.

Dad Catching Heat For Being A Good Dad

So I guess this guy posted this picture on reddit and captioned it, "Just being a dad" and it immediately blew up. At first everyone was praising this guy, but recently people have been coming out and saying that he was being a terrible dad. What world am I living in that this guy is being a bad dad? I mean just look at this situation, two daughters, nail polish, having to share a recliner with another human being, and stickers EVERYWHERE. Fun fact about me, I hate stickers. Why? The same reason I don't have any tattoos, the permanence of it freaks me the fuck out. And this dad is just dealing with the cards he was dealt and handling it like a champ. Letting his daughter paint his toenails and still converting a 3rd and 10 in Madden.

I just don't get how people are saying he's being a bad dad. They're saying he is avoiding them and not spending time with them. Have those people ever dealt with kids before? If you just let them do whatever they want and just kind of say "uh huh" at all of their stories, you are immediately their favorite person in the entire world.  Guarantee these kids will go to dad in the future when the are asking to sleep at Stephanie's house but are really gonna sneak out and sleep at J.J's.

Joseph Fauria Mad At Russell Wilson For Stealing His Girlfriend

So I guess this is the new thing now? Professional athletes airing out their dirty laundry on twitter. First Brennan Clay calling out Demarco Murray and now this. I just don't get it. Joseph Fauria, you're a professional football player, and no homo (Roy Hibbert voice) a good looking one at that. Just go on Tinder for 7 seconds and you'll already have more matches then I have ever had. Now Fauria went on to delete the tweet but that doesn't mean anything. Don't be a poor sport Joe, just keep scoring TD's and then immediately delivering dance floor panty slushies and keep having having a dog that may be the cutest dog ever, and I'm sure you will find a rebound girl really quickly.


Beauty rankings

3.) Joseph Fauria

2.) Erika Ann Hammond

1.) Joseph Fauria's dog