Fuck This Snowstorm

I'm so sick of this snowstorm and it hasn't even happened yet. Nor do I think it will ever really happen. I have to work tonight and my mom is lecturing me on how I shouldn't go in because everyone is banned from driving after 4pm. Is this real life? Has anyone checked outside their windows? Its flurrying and it's not sticking to the ground. Better ban driving. And I'm tired of everyone complaining about this "blizzard". Do people realize that if it does snow a lot, that it's the best thing of all time? You get to stay inside all day in your sweatpants watching tv, reading this blog, and drinking. I don't know about you guys but that sounds like the perfect day in my book.

Anyways, my mom just told me that if I need any laundry done, that I should do it now before we lose power. How long are we gonna be out of power? A month? People acting like this snowstorm could kill us all and it's really not tickling my fancy. Kick back and relax people. And naming it Nemo. Why do we give storms names? Just so people can make parody twitter accounts.

PS-I'm taking the under at 7 inches.

PPS- Love this guy and his video

Fuck This Guy

I hate this guy. He's such a try-hard. Well I wasn't a good bowler doing it the regular way, so I started doing it backwards. Fuck that. I totally understand why he was kicked out at first. No one could understand it. It was like when witches were being killed because they were doing weird shit. I kind of wish people still believed witchcraft was a deadly offense because this guy would be the first to go. Nobody has ever been cool, and been a good bowler at the same time. They are mutually exclusive. The lady who called him "asinine" hit the nail on the head. You're asinine bro.

Hey guy at the :07 second mark, you have another human coming out of your neck bro, not a good look. By the way, this video aired in 2006 but for some reason it looks like it was filmed in like 1975. It was only 7 years ago and shit already looks so dated. 

I Need This Pig

Wait, so this baby pig's name is Chris P. Bacon? That's the rudest thing you could name a pig, especially when it is as fantastic as this little fucker right here. He looks more like an Oliver. When pigs grow up, they are disgusting and that's why we kill them and eat them as bacon, but this little piglet right here? Sign me up. I'll play with this him 24 hours per day until he becomes more pig like. But this video is actually pretty cool because this little guy is just walking around on his front two legs, the wheels don't actually help out at all. Not enough weight. And another thing, I'm pretty sure they used a K'nex set to make that contraption. Fuck that. Legos until I die.

PS- Chicks love baby pigs. Fact. Imagine how much they would love a handicapped baby pig? Best wingman in town.

Restaurant Gives Out Discout For Well Behaved Children

At a time where airlines are charging more for child-free seats and people are routinely enraged about out-of-control kids in public, one restaurant is rewarding parents when their pint-size diners show good manners. When Laura King and her family got their bill at Sogno di Vino, a small Italian restaurant in Poulsbo, Washington, listed under the subtotal was something they had never seen before: A discount for "Well Behaved Kids." 

You know how many discounts I would give out daily for "well behaved kids" as a waiter? Zero. Thats right, because I have never had a table of well behaved kids. They are either spilling drinks or wanting a huge dessert that they will only take 3 bites of or they are allergic to something. If I see kids at my table I immediately wish I could tack on an extra 4 dollars instead of taking it off like in this case. Last night, after waiting on a table with kids at it, I found around 7 green beans and a marble underneath one of my tables. We don't serve green beans and some little fucker is missing a marble. Fucking kids. Can't even keep track of their marbles.

Sweet Brown Does It Again

Remember those two days where Sweet Brown was relevant? Well somehow she made it into a full time gig. Hey Shortline Dental, maybe you should choose someone who doesn't look like she was just kicked in the teeth by a horse to represent your dental office. I don't know, just a thought. And what's next? Is Kai going to start doing commercials for some hair cut place?

PS- Sweet orignal song Shortline Dental. My non-existent autistic cousin could write a better song than that.

9 Year Old Is Now A Mother

I can't wait to teach you how to ride a bike even though I don't know how to ride one myself.

MEXICO CITY — Mexican authorities say a 9-year-old girl has given birth in western Mexico and they are looking for the purported father, a 17-year-old.

Jalisco state police spokesman Lino Gonzalez says the baby girl was born last week at a hospital in the city of Guadalajara. He says the girl and her baby are doing well.

Typical Mexico. All joking aside, this story is pretty fucked up. That's a third grader. Like, 9 year olds should be worried about coloring inside the lines, not mothering children, but because I'm weird, I'm gonna try to think of some pros of this. I mean who better to play with a child, than a child itself. You know when families have two kids and they just stick them in a room together and forget about them for a while, well its the same thing here except one of them is the mom. Another good thing is that the mom can teach her daughter to write and read at a young age because she literally just learned how to do that stuff herself. Plus, when they go out on the town together (pretty sure the drinking age is 13 in Mexico) the mom is going to feel so great when everybody says to the daughter, "who is this your sister?" No it's my mom who is fucking NINE years older than me.

PS- They're searching for the dad?  Shocking.

PPS- Just typed in "9 year old" in google looking for a picture to use and immediately Chris Hansen was knocking on my door.

2 Year Old Is Already A Better Basketball Player Than Me

Hate to break it to you kid, but that shooting motion will never fly in the pros. Block city. Anyways, Titus here does have some serious game and next thing you know the Lakers will be signing him to shoot Dwight Howards free throws. Great video.

PS- At the 2:32 mark, kid hits a jumper of the backboard. Glad he's learning to play basketball like a white guy.

PPS- Hey parents, pick a better song as the background next time. Get that acoustic guitar shit out of my face.

I Have A Love/Hate Relationship With Mario Kart

All my Mario Kart experience is about to be truly tested

So as I was driving today, I threw a banana peel out the window (que the 500 dollar fine for littering) and it really got me thinking, Mario Kart is kind of fraudulent because lets be real, a banana peel would not do any fucking real damage. And this led to a furious debate (in my own head) about all of the issues with Mario Kart. This will probably end up being a long blog so if you don't have any interest in Mario Kart then you may as well stop reading and you should reassess your life because Mario Kart is one of the greatest video games of all time. That last sentence is kind of contradictory to my whole premise here, but I digress. By the way, after reading this blog you may think I am the dumbest person you've ever met, and yeah that's probably true. "Why is he talking so much about Mario Kart?" "He goes to Community College, remember?"

Soo, those shells that you can throw at other carts, do US Special Forces know about those? The red ones track you down, fuck that, that is some serious terrorist shit. Like I'm 91% sure this is actually how we killed Bin Laden. But in all reality what would happen if a shell hit your car in real life? Absolutely nothing. And should we alert the MSPCA about all these turtle shells? They have to be coming from somewhere. I just picture Wario in some creepy dungeon just unshelling turtles so he could be a better driver. Okay, and when you get a mushroom, that makes you speed up? Thats confusing. I mean I've never eaten mushrooms before (Hi mom reading this) but I can't imagine them speeding you up at all. And the maps, are you serious? Rainbow Road can kind of go fuck itself because it takes like a half hour to finish that map. But goddamn do I want there to be a real Rainbow Road in real life. I'd drive the fuck out of that place. And true fact about me: I've never lost consecutive races in Mario Kart. That is the truest statement I've ever spoken.

Anyways, because I want to blow off homework a little more, here is a list of the characters that appear in Mario Kart and the human people who chose to use them.

CHARACTERS
Mario: Usually a solid choice. Usually someone who has a good head on their shoulders but doesn't flaunt it. My personal choice if you are only playing with the original 8.

Luigi: Only really creepy people choose Luigi. He's just a poor mans Mario and to me that doesn't make any sense. He literally is so jealous of Mario that he copied everything about him, even his moustache. Plus, green on a plumber doesn't really look good. Studies have proven that.

Princess Peach: Literally the worst type of people use Peach. They are the same girls that wear pink sports jerseys. Plus Peach reminds me of Taylor Swift for some reason and Mario better be getting more than just handjobs for rescuing her all the fucking time. Jesus Peach, be less independent.

Yoshi: In my findings, people who choose Yoshi are pretty normal people, almost the jokester of the group. They may never come in first place, but hey at least they aren't going backwards on the map. Usually about a 50/50 split with male and female player which is weird.

Toad: Is Toad a male or a female? If you choose Toad then I'm immediately questioning our friendship and you may be kicked out of my Mario Kart group.

Donkey Kong: Not a bad choice. Usually a kind of douche bag guy who is obsessed with creatine and going to the gym. But I never really understood his name as he's not a goddamn donkey.

Wario: A poor mans Luigi, which is really saying something. Hey Wario, lay off the sweets and maybe you wouldn't be weighing your cart down and you could actually win a race. Never played with someone who willingly chose Wario.

Bowser: The biggest douchebag chooses Bowser. This person thinks they are so cool, but no one in the group actually likes this person and everyone is kind of wondering how he/she got the invite to Mario Kart night.

Princess Daisy: If you are thinking about whether or not you like a girl and she chooses Princess Daisy, then you know immediately to wife her up. Not stuck up like Peach, plus I'm into brunettes.

Waluigi: My go to character. "Dude, he's so creepy" UHHH, are we talking about the same guy? This dude pulls out a rose as his celebration and as much as bitches love Mario Kart, they love roses even more. That is some romantic ass shit. And not to mention, Waluigi is aerodynamic as fuck, he's slender but also tall so that he overpowers everyone else. Waluigi for the motherfucking win.


FUCK THIS BLOG, I HAVE WAY TO MUCH TIME ON MY HANDS.

A Real American Hero: Kai

Woah. This may be my favorite video of all time. I mean yeah that last line was depressing as fuck but Kai can be in my family anytime. Straight out of dogtown bro. First of all, there were so many different parts to his story. Like first some 300 pund guy rapes some 14 year old chick in the Virgin Islands, and then he pins some random guy with his car (freight train riders know you can't unpin that shit), then he grabs a woman and tries to hurt her and like my dude said, "a guy that big can snap a woman's neck like a pencil stick", so  then my homie Kai comes up and Smash SMAsh SAMASHs him with a hatchet, and then this dude just gets up and masturbates in front of a school. Talk about a full days work. I usually like to spread my felonies out over a week or so, not all in one day.

And then can we talk about what happened in the orchard. That story threw me for a loop. Kai was just walking past some orchard and some dude was beating his woman so Kai just beat him up? And bro, I love you but I didn't see any teeth marks on your hand, it just looked like you have been doing a lot of digging with your hands. But can I just say how I love how this dude pronounced "police". I had to listen to the video like six times before I knew what he was saying.

Quote of the year by Kai here, "no matter what you done, you deserve respect, even if you make mistakes, if you lovable, and it doesn't matter your looks, skills, age, size, or anything, your worth while. No one can ever take that away from you." WOAHHHHH. Pretty sure Ghandi tried to come up with something like that but was like shitttt Kai's got this shit on lock.

Anyway, this dude is a fucking hero and here are some of my favorite quotes:
"You know what, fuck is cool. That guy ain't. Shittt."
"Sophia, West Virginia. (Wink)"
"How old are you?    I can't call it"
"If you're fucking Jesus Christ, then I'll be the Anti-Christ man, like fuck that shit."
"This is like the biggest wave I've ever ridden in my life."

No doubt that he is this generations, William Wordsworth. Truly has a way with words. But seriously can we start a kickstarter for Kai so he can get a wet suit and a Maverick? Dude just wants to shred waves and he deserves to because hes a god damn American hero.

PS- Why is Kai walking around with a hatchet in the first place?