YES. So these DirecTV commercials are the hottest thing on tv right now. And that is coming from me. I watch like 24 hours of tv everyday. No joke. And every time these commercials comes on, it's boner city. Population: Me. So doing some investigative journalism (google) I found out that her name is Hannah Davis aka Derek Jeters side-piece aka next years Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue covergirl. So yeah she's sort of a big deal. And I know what you are thinking, "Mike, I thought you are married to Jennifer Lawrence?" Well yeah I am, but she understands that I have needs to stare at hot girls on the tv and then blog about them. Follow her on twitter here so you can cyber stalk her like I do.
Hey Mike, sweet title. Oh, thanks, I'm hilarious. Now obviously this story broke yesterday and I'm a little late to the party, but I was off winning 165 tickets in the arcade and getting married to Jennifer Lawrence. But this whole story is ridiculous. Now, "Catfish" guy Nev Schulman is tweeting at Te'o telling him that he wants to get together with him and help him figure this out. This is just an elongated new episode of Punk'd right?
I'm so confused because all over Sportscenter, everyone is asking how his draft stock has fallen because of this story. Am I missing something? Is there a new evaluation at the NFL combine? "Okay so first you will run the 40 yard dash, then you will do your vertical leap test, then your going to talk to someone and you have to tell us if she is real or fake." Like the dude is still a great middle linebacker and will probably go on to have a great NFL career. Just because he doesn't date real chicks doesn't mean that he isn't a great player. GM Mike Kennedy sounds about right.
Anyways, I kind of think Te'o had the right idea here. Fake girlfriends are the best girlfriends. Like you don't have to hang out with them and watch "Pretty Little Liars" and you dont have to buy them things. And yeah, the whole fake dying of leukemia thing is pretty sketchy but whatever. By the way, the fake girl friend's name is Lennay Kekua. Phonetically sounds like leukemia. BOOM.
Lance Armstrong got away realllll easy btw. Hey Oprah, you think you could fit in Manti Te'o sometime this week? Fake dead girlfriend is apparently more interesting than Armstrong admitting things that we already knew. Go figure.
PS- Te'o is a gay guy, right? That's what I'm surmising.
You know what they say about small roller blades. ENORMOUS cock.
So out of the very few people who read this (jk, we actually have people from Germany reading this frequently...must be the subtle anti-semitism), some of you may know that I am an employee at a Play It Again Sports. Suffice it to say, I have had to deal with a handful of customers who have left quite an impression on my life. The customers at Play It Again are a lot like the people sitting in the Balcony at the TD Garden- they are trying to save some money and they are typically interesting characters. So tonight I will share with you these inspirational father figures I have encountered in my line of duty.
1) Midget on Rollerblades: A few years back, a midget came into the store looking for rollerblades. I'm not talking about a really short guy either...this guy was all of about 3 feet tall. The thought of this little feller scooting around his neighborhood (the Shire?) in children's rollerblades made me almost throw up from laughing too hard. I was surprised the fun-sized ball of energy didn't headbutt me in the sack. Anyway, this Peter Dinklage wannabe put the wheels on and went for a trip around the store. Some toddler looked like he had seen Santa Claus, or at the very least his very first black person (it is on the Cape after all).
2) Homeless man trying to sell me a Bruce Lee calendar: Pretty much says it all. A guy came in with a calendar from the 80's and tried to sell it to me. Bro, this is a sporting goods store. We don't deal in used calendars. Although that does sound like an amazing business plan. Can't wait to open up my used calendar store...I'm sitting on a goldmine. I'll be seeing you poor folk in Greenwich. Catch you on the flip side.
3) Drunk guy trying to buy a baseball mitt: For starters, I got sandbagged with this guy by the manager. I could literally see him chortling (A+ vocab Cam. That's why your parents are paying for college) out of the corner of my eye. Anyway the best part of the story was this guy telling me he was Major League 2B Brian Roberts...to which I replied, "Uhhh, no you're fucking not. You are at the very least in your mid 50's and it looks like you have a vicious malt beverage problem." Although there is nothing wrong with that. Steel Reserve FTW. It also didn't help that he did not know whether or not he was a righty, but that was probably the least of that dudes issues at the time.
4) "Break your fucking face" guy: This actually occurred Sunday, in our new location, the TJ Maxx parking lot. First things first, we are right next to a laundromat, and Mike's point is factually correct in that people who do their laundry their are either A) Mythical or B) Bat shit insane. Money has nothing to do with it. I'd sooner wash my draws in the sink. Anyways, this guy is clearly strung out on something to the point where he is shouting into his phone saying he "will kill you, bitch." At first I thought, "Yo calm down Slim Shady," and then I thought, "hmmm this guy seems to be an interesting character."Other pedestrians thought otherwise. Some lady came in and told me to call 911. Oh yeah, lady, I'm going to stick around and snitch on some guy yelling in public that he will break somebody's face. Sound like an A-OK way for me to be missing a few teeth by the end of the day. Bitch please, you got a cell phone. You call. Long story short, I thought some of my Mike and Ikes would cheer him up, but alas, he was gone faster than he appeared (i.e. probably hitting up Taco Bell like the rest of the poor drug addicts...and me....).
PS- To Mike: In regards to you going to heaven for giving a little kid your tickets, don't count your chickens before they hatch. You still got this weekend to get through, buddy. Many a sin shall be committed (and yeah, that sounded a tad gay).
So I just got back from seeing "Silver Linings Playbook" and it was a great movie. But the more important thing is the moment Jennifer Lawrence and I shared together. First of all, J-Law absolutely killed it in this movie, like if I didn't already love her before the movie, I would have loved her after seeing this movie. Anyways, remember the first time you tasted your favorite candy bar, or the time that snowflake landed perfectly on your nose? Well that is how I felt when I saw Jennifer Lawrence. So yeah, we are basically married now. So Jenn, babe, if you see this and want to kind of keep it low key then just text me, but I doubt you will feel that way since you know what makes me happy.
Side note--- There was an arcade at the movie theatre and we stopped in there real quick, and guess what? I won the cyclone jackpot once again. Pure reaction time. This time the ticket total was only 165 but still, thats a decent chunk of change. What did I buy with my tickets this time? I gave them to a small child running around the arcade. Good fucking samaritan. See you in heaven Jesus.
We'll see who's stupid when the aliens come and melt your face off your face (still probably him...)
Tom Cruise, you crazy. For some reason I get the feeling that he will not outlive this deal unfortunately. Scientology really got screwed over here. Scott Boras must have been his agent, because getting that contract for a guy of Cruise's age and mental status is quite the haul. I wonder if Scientology offered only a million year contract first? Tom must have taken that as a slap in the face. Who wouldn't? GTFO of here Scientology. Little fish trying to swim with the big sharks at the negotiation table.
I mean, he obviously locked down this billion year contract for his portrayal of himself in Austin Powers: Goldmember. That much we know. But I wonder if Scientology tried to include a club option for the billionth year for that abortion of a movie he called Knight and Day. Thank the lord he eventually signed the deal though. We really need him to fight those aliens. And if he battles those aliens as valiantly as he battles his homosexual urges, then we will be just fine in the end.*
* I wonder if the Scientologists know that the roles he plays in his movies like Mission Impossible are completely fictional. They have to, right? Because in reality, he is a twice divorced dwarf who takes crazy pills. Not exactly who I want defending the human race from "thetans" or whatever the hell Scientology is about.
Him and Travolta should just bone and get it over with. It's 2013 bro, nobody cares if you're gay. Except the South, Republicans, Jesus Freaks, Mormons, Muslims, and ...fuck it. A lot of people care, but not the sane Americans.
Every day I take a leap of faith. I have to trust my body to hold all of my bathroom visits until I get home. And by bathroom visits, I don't mean peeing, because as a guy I'm pretty sure that other than an elementary school playground, we can pee anywhere. However, I have a serious phobia of pooping in places other my own home. And by phobia I mean that I've pooped at a total of like 5 different places in my 20 years of life. I'm not exactly sure if this is a common fear but all I know is that I've gotten weird looks from friends when I tell them that I have to leave to go home in order to go twosies, but don't worry, I'll come back over after. (most often, I'm not invited back. strange anomaly)
And let me get this out of the way and say I have no issue talking about pooping. Like I hate people that are like "girls don't poop". Oh really? Well maybe we should be more scared of them because if they don't poop, but have no health complications than they are just a horde of robotic non-poopers sent here to kill us all.
There are just so many variables that could go wrong with pooping. What if I clog the toilet? What if the toilet paper is like sand paper and rashes my toosh? What if a killer whales will come out from the inside of the toilet? What if the door doesn't lock and my friend's MILF mom walks in on me doing my business. So many issues that I don't want to deal with. So that's why I only poop at home and I think anyone that poops at another person's home is borderline crazy.
Another thing that I will adress in this blog is my inability to smell farts. It's a curse that I've been burdened with for my whole life and it's just not fair. People always say, "Dude thats awesome. You're basically a superhero." What the fuck? I lost out on, like, half of my childhood because I couldn't be running around smelling farts with the other kids. (thats what kids do, right???) It just sucks because technically I could never be the supplier of farts. Why? Because science has proven that "whoever smelt it, dealt it" is a real thing. Anyways, if I was a girl, I would want to date me so fast because of this sweet trait of mine. You can walk around ripping silent farts right underneath my nose and I would still willingly have sex with you. So ladies, currently taking applications. Send emails to HugeDickButTakesItSlow69@ImAwesome.com
PS- Totally searched scary toilet on google for that image. People looking at my recent search on google have got to be somewhat concerned.
Orange and delicious, are you feeling nutritious? (side note: I should be a rapper)
It's not very often that I am going to be candid on this blog, but this opportunity is simply too good for me to stop from sharing with you. There is this energy drink going around a lot of different college campuses that provide students like myself and many others the chance to make some quick and relatively painless cash. A friend of mine has already made approximately 3k in his first month in the company. Pretty decent chunk of change. Of course an investment is required in the beginning, but they send you boxes (and I mean BOXES) of this delicious, healthy Red Bull alternative coupled with the opportunity to make some ca$h.
As for the drink itself, I personally think its 1000x better than Red Bull. Not to mention it really does the job. I'm pretty sure I dunked last time I drank one (don't quote me on that, I blacked out). To quote a literary scholar/fashionista/blogging colleague of mine, "I think I can hear colors." Sounds like a fucking party to me. A nice little mix with some vodka never hurt anyone, either. As a matter of fact, it's like a healthy 4loko. That way you won't be hitting a wall at 1am when you are trying to getcho swerve on in da club. If you have any interest in this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, just hit me up on my email, cjunkin@elon.edu.
As for #NoShameTuesdays, it is a great tradition in the life of Cam that I treasure immensely. Essentially you just go around doing whatever you want with no remorse whatsoever. Want to blackout and take a dip in the fountain outside the Marriott Hotel? Be my guest, and have no shame. Want to laugh at people as they walk by you on a park bench just to fuck with them (the insecure ones are hilarious)? Ruin their day, and don't even think about feeling bad about it. Want to shamelessly plug a delicious energy drink on a comedy blog? Hell yeah, I do. Just did. But that's what seperates me from you, I don't know how to spell seperate and I am a motherfucking go-getter. #noshameTuesdays
But seriously, its a solid product sponsored by the Phoenix Suns. NBD but KBD.
PS- my only problem with it is that it says "Don't leave it directly in sunlight." I mean, anybody who leaves their drink anywhere but the fridge is a certified room-temp drinking lunatic, but now I really want to know what happens when I do leave it in the sunlight. Tasty pipe bomb? One can dream...*
*Yeah, I just dropped a Susan Boyle knowledge bomb on your head. Thank me later. And yes, I would absolutely take her to pound town: population Cam. She is my favorite British "Shrek" impersonator.
"I should probably be looking at this hair, instead of the camera. Fuck it"
So I just got back from getting my haircut. Literally the most productive thing I've done over winter break. I thought about it before I left my house and I couldn't remember the last time I put jeans on while the sun was shining. Some people call that "sad", but I call it "sad". So I woke up today and was like hmm my hair sort of looks like a homeless persons hair, so I should get it cut. And I'm not like a normal male where one of my buddies can shave it all off. My hair is full and luscious and deserves expert care. But I hate getting my hair cut. I'd rather go on 100 first dates and go bowling 50 times than the one day I have to get my hair cut.
So I chose Supercuts as the place to get it cut. But it's ridiculous, I'm tired of living in a world where my haircuts can't be "super" and "pro" at the same time. (Reread that last sentence until you understand the joke, then move on) So my hatred for getting my hair cut starts immediately when I walk through the doors when one of the workers will ask "what can we do for you today?" Like uhh this is the place I come to buy new dildos, right? Obviously, I want a haircut lady. And I hate all the workers there, and it's not because they're ugly, even though they usually are, it's because they insist on talking to you the whole time. It's truly an introvert's worst nightmare. Like lady, I dont do small talk unless I'm trying to sleep with you, but I'm not because your hair is a weird color and you look like the computer whiz lady from "Criminal Minds". Why do they have to talk to me? I mean I'll pay extra for the hairdresser who is comfortable with silence. Then it hits you. You realize that this person is literally going to decide your confidence for the next 3 months. Your hair is vital to how good you feel and people who are important or famous that have a bad head of hair are running their lives into the ground.
Today, I got lucky. I got this semi attractive girl. (probably sleep with her if I had a few beers and she told me she was into sucking on toes) Anyways, she didn't kill me with the small talk and the final result of the haircut was solid. When I say solid, it basically means it looks slightly better than if Michael J. Fox was to have cut my hair. But I paid my 15 dollars for a "boys regular" and I hightailed it out of there and got home before I could do anything more productive with my day . *slips back into sweatpants and blogs about unimportant things*
Uhhhh bro, relax. You knocked 10 pins over with a giant ball.
Fuck bowling. I think the worst people in the world are the people that are good at bowling. Like it's just an obscure sport, and if your good at it, than you are probably just as obscure. To be honest, it's not really bowling that I hate, per se, it's more of the bowling alley. Even just the name. When is the last time something good has been associated with the word alley? The only things that happen in street alleys are drug deals and homeless people fucking, which is weird because that is basically what you see at the bowling alley too.
So as you people may have realized, I went bowling tonight. Lost to a girl. TWICE. But, to be honest I'm not that upset about it because as I have prefaced, I literally hate bowling. Here's the thing that really worried me. The people at the bowling alley were the weirdest fucking people ever. Like, have you ever been to a Laundromat? Well I have and I'm pretty sure everyone I saw at the Laundromat that one time was bowling tonight. So its basically a semi-athletic Laundromat. Just tonight I saw; a guy with yellow goggles, Sanjaya with a wrist brace, a dude with a tucked in t-shirt with no belt on, and a kid who rolled up only the sleeve of the arm of which he bowled. Thats murderer city right there folks. Chris Hansen should literally do an episode of "To Catch a Predator" in a bowling alley and he would catch at least 6 diddlers. Guaranteed.
But aside from the actual act of bowling, is anything better than the arcade at the bowling alley? People are gonna say "dude, thats so trashy and uncool." Oh really? Well swallow your pride a little bit, and see if you cant play the cyclone game, like, 5 times without smiling. Impossible. Game is addicting, and I totally won the jackpot. 350 tickets. I felt like a true American hero. Like that game is solely based on reaction time. I wish I had it on video tape so that I could send it into the NFL Combine and probably get drafted. NBD but KBD.
All in all, if your good at bowling, then you're probably a murderer, and if you are good at arcade games then you'll probably play in the NFL.
PS- If anyone was wondering, I bought two cap guns and a tootsie roll pop with my winnings. Prices for prizes (points for alliteration) are completely outlandish. I should have been treated like a king.
Sounds about right. At least he gets paid for it, unlike me.
I literally could not have less of a clue about what I want to be after college. So, being the unproductive son of a bitch that I am, I came up with some sweet ass jobs.
1) The Urine Collectors for Drug Tests of Sports Teams: What a sweet gig this must be. So many perks come with this job. The most obvious of which is that you get to meet athletes. The second most obvious is that you can see which athletes you size up to, no homo. Like, "Oh hey, you know Joe Flacco? My dick is twice his size (so 2 inches?)." Talking about an athletes wang at the bar gets you laid 100% of the time. Also, it would be very interesting to see which athletes get stage fright when they are being watched (and silently judged) while peeing. Zack Greinke almost definitely becomes anxiety ridden and has a mental breakdown. Tony Romo probably becomes erratic and starts pissing everywhere but the cup. YOU HAD ONE JOB TONY! Tom Brady on the other hand probably has a strong, accurate stream (Clear piss, full bladder, can't lose). Watching him pee would probably be the crowing achievement in my life. He exudes masculine excellence, Uggs or not.
2) Slangin' that Yay: Not even sure what it means. All I know is that it adds much needed street cred to our transparently caucasian blog. But in all seriousness, the only drawback to this is getting caught and sent to a Federal Pound-Me-In-The-Ass prison.
3) Whatever the hell Guy Fieri does: He pretty much goes around and eats amazing food all day. Fuck you, Guy. Sweet frosted tips bro, did you get the idea from the Backstreet Boys back in 1996? You look like a flamboyantly gay, obese chipmunk. One of these days you are going to keel over from all that shit you eat and I'm going to swoop in and take your job. Tick tock tick tock. There can only be one.
PS- All of you guys are probably like, "Cam you are so gay for writing piss collector and not saying male pornstar." Oh yeah? Being a male porn star would be fucking terrible. Chaffage for days from all the takes you have to do. Not to mention the porn star you are banging has likely done some really freaky midget porn as she was breaking into the "business". And to be frank with you, I want no part of Vern Troyer's sloppy seconds.
PPS- Just looked up Guy Fieri. His last name was originally Ferry. What a fucking poser. I'm coming for you Ferry Boy (double entendre. Oh, Cam, that's a ten.)
Apparently binge drinking is defined as having 5 or more drinks in a row if you are a man....4 in a row if you're a woman. Saw that little facty-poo and I just thought I would bring that to everybody's attention, because it is absolutely preposterous. Want to know who has less than 5 drinks in a sitting? Fucking Mother Theresa and my British grandmother, that's who. And it isn't like I'm even all that good at drinking- I am the first to admit that I am a mega pussy. I have like 8 beers and the next morning (without fail) I am hunched over the toilet looking like I'm cleaning the inside of it with my tongue. I've seen my own hungover reflection more times than I can count, and let me tell you something, it ain't pretty. I look like Casper the Friendly Ghost went on a week long meth bender. And that's every Friday, Saturday, and Sunday morning.
But that's neither here nor there. 5 drinks, CDC? Realllly? I remember when I was in Mrs. Pennington's kindergarten class too. I literally have multiple friends that pound a half a case before heading to the library to study for finals. And don't give me that "I really enjoy one or two nice craft beers at a sitting" bullshit. Oh yeah? You really like sitting there and deliberately poisoning yourself a little bit. Go home, grow a set, blackout, and snap chat everybody a picture of your dick like a grown ass man, Sober Sarah.
Oh, I didn't know there was a new "Transformers" movie out.
People that go to the gym are the worst people in the entire world. And it's not because they're trying to keep themselves healthy,(even though I do have an issue with that) it's because even if you didn't know that a person you are talking to goes to the gym before entering a conversation with them, you will know by the end of that conversation. "Oh, did you hear about that lady that got hit by the car?" "Yeah, well I was at the gym earlier and I saw it on the tv while I was running my daily 5k." Oh cool. Just asked a question about an elderly lady getting hit be a vehicle, not about your 8 minute miles.
I really hate people that ask me if I go to the gym. Like uhhh have you looked at me? I'm 5 foot 8 weighing 150 pounds soaking wet. I basically look like a 13 year old girl gymnast. And then there are the people that refer to their body as some sort of "temple". If I had to refer to my body as a religious entity such as a "temple" I would say that it's a church, because my body is a house of lies, and I enjoy my young boy frame.
I just feel so out of place at the gym. Like right when you walk into to locker room, at least 7 naked old man dicks basically slap you right across the face. And it's weird because they're all huddled up together like they're about to run a naked last play at the Superbowl. So finally you get out of the locker room and into the actual gym, and there are so many people, and all of them are bigger than me, even the women. And here is my biggest issue with the gym. No matter what gym you go to, and no matter what time you go, there will always be somebody that is a lot bigger than you, wearing a smaller size shirt than you. Like I'm pretty sure that at the bi-weekly strong guys meeting (pretty sure thats a real thing) they pass out new shirts that are basically big enough to fit their steroids infused dick."Oh I'm doing bi's and tri's today, better break out the smallest shirt I own." But as much as I really hate the small shirt wearing people, I dont know if I can really blame them. Like I enjoy wearing tight shirts too but I'm not sure how comfortable I am shopping for myself in the kid's section of Old Navy.
PS- I hate when people complain about being sore after going to the gym. That's like complaining that your drunk after drinking alcohol.
