The Supposed "Five Worst Jobs"

HAHA, GET IT?!?

Face it - we all can't be singers, movie stars, or models. Most of us do have to get up and punch a clock somewhere. But that doesn't necessarily mean you have to don plaid, grow a beard, and become a lumberjack. There's a full spectrum of jobs out there, and many can be quite rewarding in terms of salary, growth, and opportunity. That is, if you know your own strengths and weaknesses, and are willing to put in the effort it takes to snag them.

Yahoo's Worst Job List

5. Logging work- This is cheating at a worst jobs list if you can include logging. Like I actually didn't know that people still logged. I just thought that was a made up job made up by people who love the environment who want to save the Earth. Still not convinced it's real.

4. Receptionist- Well than what are hot girls who went to a state college but instead of going to class got drunk and fucked frat boys and learned how to take a starburst wrapper off in their mouth going to do for work?!?!?!

3. Postal Service Clerk- I don't really know what this means exactly but I'm pretty sure it means mailman. Fuck that. I want to be a mailman so bad I can taste it. Get to drive a weirdly shaped care with a steering wheel on the wrong side and then steal little Timmy's 25 dollar birthday check that he's getting from Grandma Bethany.

2. Door to door Salesperson- This one all depends on what you are selling. If its like baseballs or old DVD's than count me out. But if you don't think I can sell the fuck out of a nice knife set than you obviously don't know me as a person. I'll convince you that you need a new briefcase just because its a motherfucking Wednesday.

1. Telemarketer- Uhh, have you seen Workaholics? Those crazy kids are telemarketers and they live the sweetest life ever. Just crushing beers on their roof, hanging out with retarded guys, and hanging out with Beiberhole69. Sign me the fuck up.

My worst 5 jobs list:
5. Waiter
4.Waiter
3. Waiter
2. Waiter
1. Christina Aguilera's dietician

Stupid Kid With Stupid Idea

Wait, is this guy deaf? Why does he sound like that? He literally sounds like he is trying to imitate Kyle. Anyways, cool fucking idea bro. I mean why cover your face? How are you going to get these chicks to fuck you. If they saw your face and you were out at a party, they'd be like "Holy shit you were that kid who gave me that rose and now lets bang." I mean, isn't that usually how it works? And like 65 % of these chicks were hot too. East Carolina University, I see you. I actually went on a tour there when I was looking at colleges and there were like only 4 hot chicks and my tour guide was a lesbian. Where were they hiding all the good ones?

PS- Cool skateboard bro. Hang 10.

PPS- I see you checking that girl out at the 3:35 mark. DAT ASS.

The Now Ironic Nike Commercial

HAHAHA. See its funny because the guy who's the spokesperson for that video shot his girlfriend and the analogy in the commercial is that his body is a weapon and it makes gun shot noises. By the way, I'm so tired of the Oscar Pistorius puns. "he doesn't have a leg to stand on in court" "more like PISTOLius" "I don't think he has a shot in the next Paralympic games". Fuck every body and their puns. But in all honesty, how is he going to post bail since he doesn't have any more money? It's gonna cost him an arm and an arm. LOL.

PS- If Pistorius ever gets out of jail and starts competitively running again, his victory songs needs to be "Pumped Up Kicks". It's fucking perfect.

Can I Date Malia Obama?

Sweet forehead. Grab some bangs like your mom toots.

DECATUR, Ga. - On this Valentine's Day, it's date night at the White House. And, apparently, President and Mrs. Obama aren't the only ones in the family with a special sweetheart.

On a stop here to push his education agenda, President Obama hinted that one of his daughters - likely the eldest, 14-year-old Malia - is officially dating.

 Can I get arrested for making fun of the President's daughter's forehead? Anyways, you know the first time you meet a girls parents and you have to meet her dad and you pretend like you're not nervous but inside you are just thinking about all the times you've fucked and you are afraid that you're going to accidentally say something like "I licked whip cream off your daughter ass dimples"? Oh wait, you guys don't think about that? Never mind, me neither. Anyways, amplify that feeling times like a million. Oh you want to meet my dad? He's the POTUS. Oh yeah, and he's black. I mean, thats not being racist, thats just being real. A dad who could throw me in Guantanamo AND beat me in a game of basketball. Fuck that.

No Big Deal, Just Meteors Hitting Russia

Alright everyone, time to find a new planet to live on. Is Mars inhabitable yet? Like it's pretty clear that Earth is pissed off at us and wants us to get the fuck off. Last week its raining spiders in Brazil and huge snowstorms causing me to not have internet for 4 days and now its just giant meteors flying through the sky in Russia. By the way, leave it to Russia to have a crazy meteor shower leaving 900 people injured. Living in another country would suck. 9 year olds giving birth in Mexico. Chinese people having to be good at math. Every other country being forced to watch soccer and pretend to enjoy it. I'm glad I live in 'MERICA where we don't have anything bad happen except mass shootings every other week and ex cops taking people hostage, and the "Buckwild" show on MTV. Wait. Fuck.

I'm Back

I know what everybody is saying, "why haven't there been any new blogs for almost a week" "This website is what I live for" because I haven't posted anything new. But while everyone reading this was having internet and shit, I was stuck basically in the early 1990's with no internet and playing N64 all weekend. But I'm back in full swing now.

So on Friday, I called out this goddamn snowstorm and said shit like "we won't get more than seven inches", and "everyone is over-reacting", blah blah blah. So naturally this storm was like oh shit I'm just going to take out the whole fucking northeast and leave everyone without power. Luckily, I had power the whole time, but I didn't have cable or internet so it kind of fucking sucked. But I broke out the N64 and shredded some Mario Party 1 and Ken Griffey Jr. Baseball and realized that if you don't think Ken Griffey baseball is the best baseball video game of all time then I loathe your existence. Pitchers throwing 116 miles per hour and graphics looked like something that my non-existent autistic cousin could make. But I hit 11 dingers with Nomar in like 7 games so it was fine. By the way Mario Party came out in 1998, when I was fucking six, and it's still a classic, and of course, character selection was key. Anyways, the N64 saved the day.

One last note about this storm, was I literally didn't leave my house for 4 days. Friday-Monday. Cabin Fever like you read about. At one point, I was pretty sure I saw Jesus in my mirror, but then it was just me because I only  I took one shower the whole time and didn't shave. "Dude, thats fucking gross" Well it's not like I had anyone to impress, and I was just taking one for the team while everyone was without power. I was simply just thinking about all the smelly and cold households that were out there and I said fuck it, I'll walk a mile in their shoes, that is, until I started to smell my own filth and then I was like okay, maybe one shower won't kill me. Anyways, the point I'm trying to make is that I look exactly like Jesus if I don't shower or shave for about a week. Who knew Jesus was such a funny blogger.