70 Car Pile-up in Canada

Hopefully they don't have Geico. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

"NEWTONVILLE, Ont. - The 401 — one of Canada`s busiest highways — has reopened after being closed in both directions for several hours after a massive pileup east of Toronto. Ontario Provincial Police say snow was falling, the road was slick and visibility reduced when about 70 vehicles collided yesterday 80 kilometres east of Toronto near Newcastle. It happened around 3 p.m. and littered a one kilometre stretch of highway with mangled metal. Five people were transported to local hospitals, two in serious condition."

Fucking Canadians, eh? Like 70 cars? I didn't even know they had 70 cars in all of Canada. Like I'm pretty sure they ride around on Polar Bear drawn carriages. And aren't all Canadians busy with the NHL coming back this week anyways? What are they doing out of their houses? Anyways, I dont even know how 70 cars get involved in a pile-up. Don't all the drivers see the other like 40 cars and just stop? And obviously I'm glad no one died but how do only 5 people get injured in this accident. Obviously wasn't that much of an accident. Actually I'm not calling this an accident at all because 70 cars were involved. Thats like something out of a "Final Destination" movie.

And here is my main point, how do car accidents even happen? Like I have never been in one. Should I be a professional driver because of that? And everyone reading this is going to be like "wow, you just jinxed yourself" and no, because I don't believe in that mumbo-jumbo. Why? Because I've been telling everyone that I don't have a lot of sex and that spell has NOT been broken. So I'll say it again. I'm an awesome driver and will probably never be in a car accident, because I understand how driving works.

Kid Slaying the Dance Floor at Pacers-Rockets Game

This kid should immediately start getting paid to do appearances. Like, this kid is gonna get so many chicks starting now. I mean have you ever seen dance moves like that? Unmatchable. And I don't know why, but chicks love dudes who can dance. Like you know when a chick is grinding on you and its boner city, population: you? Well chicks are the same way, except they love when guys can throw down like Michael Jackson on the "Thriller" tour. Anyways, keep doing you little man, and the chicks will follow.

PS- Hey kid's mom, how about you stop trying to take away your kids 15 minutes of fame and just let him get his dance on.

Is LeBron Almost Likable?

No, he's not. And listen I hate LeBron as much as the next guy, but this video makes me hate him a little less. And obviously there will still be some haters out there that will make some negative out of this video, but this fan is obviously way more excited about getting tackled by LeBron than winning 75,000. Well, maybe not, but still. LebBron, keep tackling fans and maybe I'll continue to hate you less and less.

PS- I'm pretty sure that if you gave me 5 shots, I could definitely make one from half court.

Welcome to the NBA, New Orleans Pelicans

"NEW ORLEANS -- New Orleans Hornets owner Tom Benson is changing his team's nickname to the Pelicans and said the switch will create a bond with the city that could lead to a championship.The Hornets announced Thursday they are going ahead with the name change. The NBA still has to approve it, but commissioner David Stern has said he wouldn't object to any name Benson chose. The league is expected to expedite the change at the start of next season. The new color scheme is blue, gold and red, a departure from the Hornets' teal, purple, gold and white."

So everybody has been up in arms recently because the Hornets are changing it's mascot to a pelican. Umm have you ever seen a pelican? Those things are scary as fuck, with their giant throats and big ass wings. Like they are 5 feet tall. Thats like an average high schooler. Fuck that. I'm not fucking with pelicans any time soon. And there logo is pretty fucking cool. One of the best ones out there. Plus, there are so many worse nicknames in the sports world than pelican. So here is the definite top 5 worst nicknames in the sports world.

5.)Oklahoma City Thunder- Like are people scared of thunder? What are you a dog? And is there more thunder in Oklahoma City then anywhere else?

4.) Red Sox/White Sox- I'm glad my non-existent autistic cousin got a job naming those two teams. Like Red Sox is OKAY because their socks are actually red. The White Sox though, no fucking excuse. Like bro, you're not tricking anyone, your socks are black.

3.)Houston Texans- Like that's not a mascot, that's just where you are from. Like what if it was Boston Massachussians? It's just fucking stupid.

2.)Oakland Athletics- So is Oakland just more athletic than any other team? Probably not since they haven't won a world series since 1989. I just don't get what it even means. And their mascot is an elephant? Fuck elephants and fuck the Athletics.

1.) Utah Jazz- Do they play an excess amount of Jazz in Utah? I don't think so. So why is that your nickname. Utah should be called, like, the snow or something. I don't know, anything is better than Jazz.

Is Shaggy Dead?

"Reggae pop star Shaggy was not stabbed in a bar fight this week ... and he sure as hell ain't dead despite Internet reports to the contrary ... this according to a living, breathing Shaggy. Once again, the Internet death machine cranked out a rumor that Shaggy kicked the bucket after taking a shiv to the liver during a brawl in L.A..  In fact, someone even updated Shaggy's Wikipedia page with bogus info. But lo and behold, Mr. Boombastic lives ... and it ain't the first time he's been the victim of a cyber-death hoax. It's happened about a billion times before. A rep for the Reggae star tells TMZ ... "[Shaggy] is like a cat with 9 lives … but I can happily report that he’s alive and kicking and in the same building as me right now as we speak." Fantastic"

Im pretty sure Shaggy is dead right? Like I thought he had been dead for like ten years. Because why hasn't he popped out any new singles recently. Has to be dead. Anyways, how about his rep saying that he is "alive and kicking". Nothing says professionalism like using a phrase that 9th graders use in their subpar book reports. The one thing about this is that I really hope that if he eventually gets murdered and the murderer is in court, all he says when defending himself is, "Wasn't me"

PS- Shaggy was in the Marines? Go figure

Amish People Have the Right Idea

Where do I get one of those sweet bikes?

Would you be Amish if you had the opportunity? Yes. Amish people totally have the right idea with the whole no technology thing. I mean they really don't have to do shit. Manual Labor all day? Thats a breeze. Meanwhile I'm stuck here having to go to 3 classes everyday and then write all these hilarious blogs and have to wear normal clothes. Meanwhile, the Amish are just straight chillen in Pennsylvania learning how to milk cows and how to churn butter. Sign me the fuck up.

"But Mike, then you won't have any technology or cell phones or anything?" Yeah no shit. I hate that stuff. Like I'm using technology all the time, but that's only because I hate it. Like you know when you watch a tv show all the time just because you hate it? (Honey BooBoo) That's the way I feel about technology. Fuck it. Like every time I sign into facebook I have to see what that one girl from high school who I had one class with and what she's up to these days. I'll give you a hint, drugs and babies. OH, and to live in a world where I don't know when Kim Kardashian's baby is going to be born would be prime.

So after doing some journalistic research (Wikipedia) I came to find out that a lot of Amish people suffer from dwarfism. BOOM. Now I'm 5 foot 8 inches on a day where I put on my moms high heels (not that that happens often...) but if you send me to Amish village, I'm basically a giant. I'd be the center on the basketball team and I would just dominate everyone. Team name is obviously the Amish Wild Horses. Plus since I' the tallest one in town, I obviously get to fuck the hottest chick. That's just what happens when you are the tallest and most handsome one there. Sounds like a perfect life for me.

PS- They ride horses or ride in horse drawn carriages everywhere they go and thats like the best thing in the world for me, because I love wild horses.

PPS- Sign me up for that "Amish Mafia" show because I'm already introduced to technology and now I'm also Amish.

The Most Badass Video of All Time

I miss Steve Irwin so much. Fuck the Dos Equis guy, this is the epitome of manliness. He didn't even break sentence, just kept talking about how a python wouldn't bite even though it had already bitten him. Btw, fuck the people that work for this show. That host lady? She just like moved behind that motionless tortoise and did absolutely nothing to help. Off camera guy asks, "what do you do?" Thanks for the help bro. And camera guy, if Steve Irwin asks you to get a close-up of the fucking PYTHON biting his neck, I suggest you take less than 10 seconds to zoom in next time. And sweet camera angle, didn't provide any help. Whatever, Steve Irwin just handled it like he always did. I'm actually kind of surprised that he didn't like check to see what gender the python was while it was attached to his neck. Oh yeah he totally banged that host lady too.

PS- Fuck sting rays. I wish he died in like a cooler way. Like in the final battle between crocodiles and sharks and he gave his life to protect the crocs. CRIKEY MATE.

Having 5 Sisters is Weird

This picture has no relevance at all. But its a llama wearing a scarf...

Now as most of you readers probably know, I have 5 sisters. Well really 2 sisters and 3 half sisters, but most people actually don't laugh when I say I have 3.5 sisters. Whatever, I think that joke is hilarious. Anyways, I'm usually pretty negative with most of the stuff I write on this blog, and most people would think that having 5 sisters would be a negative thing. Well not so fast. How do you think I came to be one of the smoothest, well-dressed, metro-sexual cats out there. I didn't mean to just toot my own horn right there but toot fucking toot.

Now, when I was growing up, everyone told me I was either going to be a complete ladies man (I'm not) or a gay guy (also not) but instead I became a socially awkward introvert who laughs at my own jokes like 94% of the time. Whatever I think girls like the fact that I know I'm hilarious. Anyways, my favorite part about having so many older sisters is all the hand me downs I used to receive. Like, I was the prettiest girl in 3rd grade until everyone realized I was a guy. But in reality having 5 sisters helped the way I dressed. Like I wasn't allowed, much to my chagrin, to wear any swooshy pants past the 4th grade. I was pissed at the time, but 5th grade was the year I started dating chicks so yeah I guess it kind of worked. And everyone will say "well you didn't have anyone to spar with so you're obviously not tough." BULLSHIT. Fighting my older sisters was the hardest part of my childhood. Girls fight no holds barred. They bite, they claw, they stick their barbies up your ass. Not that I know that from personal experience or anything. So yeah, they prepared me for the real world. I mean I knew how to act in school since I had to play "school" like 6 hours a day. Probably why I stopped trying in school like 5 years too soon.

But I kind of feel bad for my dad here. Like he had 5 daughters before he finally had his favorite child (me). And I'm pretty sure that he would have just kept pumping out kids until he finally got a son. My dad did everything he could to make sure I didn't turn out to be gay. That sounds pretty insensitive but whatever. Like he wouldn't let anyone call me "Mikey" because he thought it sounded girly. So he settled on calling me "Scooter" for my entire life. Makes sense.

PS- Older sisters meant there were always hot friends roaming around my house. No one is hotter than your sisters childhood friend. That's a fact.

Remarkable Tennis Shot

Hey, sweet serve Li Na. No joke, this was the best shot I've ever seen in tennis. Why? Well for one, this is exactly how every single one of my tennis serves look like. So I'm basically just as good as this professional asian lady. But mostly it's because I hate tennis with a passion. Every 4 years a new great athlete comes along and wins every tournament all year long. Snooze city. Plus if you close your eyes when you watch tennis it essentially sounds like a weirdly rhythmed porn video. So every time I see tennis  on ESPN I just think that whoever allowed it to be on actual sports television should be fired on the spot.  So if any tennis player wants to get my attention then they are going to have to do something ridiculous like Li Na did right here. Keep doing you Li, keep doing you.

Is This Going to be the Worst Movie of All Time?

I don't even get how this movie got green-lighted. And why is Jeremy Renner in it? Like he was in "The Hurt Locker" and "The Avengers" so why the FUCK would he be in this movie? Like this doesn't even make sense to me. I could definitely do a better job then Renner's agent on this one. Superstar agent Mike Kennedy sounds about right. And are Hansel and Gretel fucking in this movie? Aren't they brother and sister? Whatever, I'm basically done with Hollywood these days because of movies like this. This is supposed to be a movie about kids going into a house of candy, and outsmarting a witch, not brother and sister fucking and fighting off evil.

Hot Naked Lady Arrested for DWI

"A nearly nude driver exposed herself when police arrested her for a DWI in the northwestern New Jersey community of Sparta Township over the weekend, Inquisitrreports Jan. 22. Catherine Giaquinto, 36, of Warwick was arrested after she carelessly crashed her car into a stone retaining wall. She tried driving off, but police pulled her over and realized she must have been under the influence since she only had on an unzipped jacket. Police observed some clothes on the passenger seat of Giaquinto's vehicle when they were interacting with her. When they told the nearly nude driver to put some clothes on, it took her 10 minutes to get dressed. Once she was covered up, her dress was on backwards and inside out. Law enforcement said Giaquinto didn't know where she was going or why she was naked in the car. Authorities ordered her to take a field sobriety test, which she failed. Giaquinto was arrested for DWI, leaving the scene of an accident, careless driving, and refusing a breathalyzer. She was also cited for not wearing a seat belt."

Uhhh Catherine Giaquinto can play for my team any day. Like this is the hottest chick I've seen today and I only wish I could have been one of the cops "forcing" her to put her clothes back on. Actually that's my new life goal. Be a cop who exclusively works with hot drunk chicks who are trying to pull a hit and run all while being naked. Hey Catherine, give me a call once you get done with your hearing, I'd love to talk this all out with you, bounce some stuff off you. (nudge nudge. wink wink)

Wait, is this Real Life?

I don't think this is what MLK would have wanted. Like this has gotten way out of hand. Isn't this racism. I mean I really didn't think it was possible to be racist against white people but blackpeoplemeet.com really does the trick. How come they are allowed to make a website like that, but when I make a website called whitepeoplearebetter.com everyone gets all mad. Like when I saw this I honestly thought it was a sketch for "Key and Peele" because this is exactly like something they would do. Is a white person allowed to go on black people meet? Like maybe I like myself some dark chocolate and I'm way better at talking online than I am in person. (Sounds a little creepy. Whatever) And I'm just not allowed on their website? It's christian mingle 2.0. BTW, I bet Manti Te'o met his girlfriend on christian mingle because he already believed in one fake person (GOD) so he figured what the hell, I might as well believe in two.

PS- I literally thought I missed the memo and everyone was just capitalizing and misspelling the word "milk" today. Fuck me, right?

PPS- Is this blog racist? I don't think we have any African-American readers, so it's kind of like "if a tree falls and no one is around to hear it, does it make a noise" kind of thing.

Bill Clinton Just Doing his Damn Thing.

Is Bill Clinton the coolest guy in the entire world?  Like I want to hang out with him so badly I can almost taste it. Only he could pull this move off without getting any flack for it. He has basically become the perverted grandfather that everyone wants to have and I am completely fine with that. Like I want Hilary to run for President just to get Bill back into the White House and maybe get into some shenanigans. Clinton 2016. BOOYAH

PS- Kelly Clarkson though? She's sort of a fat chick.

Are the Harbaugh Brothers Actually just Lindsay Lohan?

Now I know what everybody is thinking right now. "Why hasn't been there been any new blogs since last Thursday? This blog is what I live for!" Well I was on a mini vacation visiting my boy and co-writer of this blog, Scammy J. Anyways yesterday had to be the worst day of all time. I was in airports all day yesterday and had to miss this first half of the Patriots game. The lady sitting next to me on my last flight had a dog (didn't know those were allowed on planes) and that same lady went to the bathroom like 4 times on an hour long flight. Traveling fucking sucks.

Anyways, the only thing that was worst than flying all day yesterday or that Patriots game was Cam's attempt to talk to girls which I witnessed on Friday night. Anyways, the Patriots played like straight garbage yesterday. Awful clock management by the best quarterback/coach tandem of all time. Welker dropping more passes and Bernard Pollard doing his damn thing. The Ravens flat out beat us. But I know the REAL reason why they did beat us. It's pretty evident that the Harbaugh brothers pulled a Lindsay Lohan in "The Parent Trap". Halfway through the season the coaches called each other up and switched places and thats why Colin Kaepernick got the starting job over Alex Smith and why a quarterback guru in Jim Harbaugh made Joe Flacco look like a real quarterback. So thats what happened, I'm like 137% sure of it. So now NFL commish Roger Goodell has to get involved and tell the Harbaugh bro's to switch back to their normal coaching positions.

If you are actually excited about this Super Bowl, I hate you for so many reasons. I don't really like Kaepernick that much because he looks like a muppet and I'm pretty sure the over/under on how many times Ray Lewis cries this week is set at like 7. And how many times are we gonna hear the phrase "Harbowl" over the next 2 weeks? Fuck it, just kill me now.

PS- I'm writing this as Obama is making his inaugural speech, so yeah we are basically one in the same.