Does This Look Like The Face Of A Guy Who Left A "Large Quantity Of Fecal Matter" In A Hotel Lobby?

And after the party is the hotel lobby, and -- damn it, Ronnie.
Police arrested 31-year-old Ronnie Lee Warfield after he allegedly pulled down his pants in a Charleston, S.C. hotel lobby and defecated on the floor, WCIV reports.
When officers arrived at 3:45 a.m. on Sunday, they found a "large quantity of fecal matter" just outside the bathroom at the Francis Marion Hotel. WCIV reports:

An officer walked into the bathroom and found Warfield cleaning himself in one of the stalls; the door was open and he was exposed to anyone walking in, according to the report.
"I didn't mean to do it," Warfield reportedly told the officer. "I couldn't hold it."
The report states Warfield was detained once he had put his pants back on, and another officer talked to the hotel's night auditor about what she saw.
Warfield reportedly interrupted them, telling the hotel employee: "I can clean it up."

Instead, officers took him to jail on charges of public defecation and indecent exposure.

Ahhhh, the classic "I couldn't hold it so I shit all over the lobby of a hotel and got arrested Saturday night". If I had a nickel for every time I did this I would have exactly 0 nickels. Now don't get me wrong, I've shit my pants, and I've been in a hotel lobby, but I've never combined the two. I'm a little surprised that you can even get arrested for this. Like I get that he pulled his pants down and shit a "large quantity of fecal matter" on the floor but at least he had the decency to be in the process of cleaning it up. So hey Ronnie, I'm not a lawyer but I'd be more than willing to represent you in court. I can see it now, history books will talk about the two biggest cases of all time, "Roe vs. Wade" and "Ronnie Warfield vs. Pooping in the Hotel Lobby"

Brookyln Is Hosting A Smallest Penis Contest

It's time, once again, to make the little things count.
The "Smallest Penis Contest," a nutty competition which debuted last year, will return to Brooklyn's Kings County Bar on June 14.
Per a media release, contestants will be judged in multiple categories, including "poise in both evening wear and bathing wear." In addition to a cash prize (which can optionally be donated to charity), a "wee crown and scepter" will be awarded to the less-endowed man best exhibiting "extraordinary heart, talent, and chutzpa."

No blog needed here, just wondering where exactly you sign up. Asking for a friend.

Kid Gets Bryan Cranston To Ask A Girl To Prom

Hey Stefan, cool name bro. I hate all these promposals that kids do to be creative and to get an OTPHJ (Over the pants hand job) on prom night. And I hate the fact that promposal is a word that people now use everyday. Next thing you know its gonna be recognized as a word in the Webster Dictionary. Promposal- (V.)- meaning when upper middle class teenagers have nothing better to do so they create a ridiculous way to invite some ugly chick to prom in order to get lets of attention on social media. In all seriousness though, why cant you just be like, "hey want to go to prom with me?" instead of writing prom? on a thousand doves and releasing them through your schools hallway.*

But if we are being honest here, this has to be one of the coolest promposals ever. Getting one of the most evil characters on TV to say the line that made everyone shit their pants when he said it, would be the greatest moment of my life. I mean I'd rather have Frank Underwood give some impassioned speech convincing my date why it would be better to go to prom with me rather than anyone else and then knock his ring twice, but now isn't a time for a House of Cards vs. Breaking Bad debate, so good for you Stefan, and enjoy your 3 hours of grinding with Maddy followed by 10 hours of the worst blue balls of your life.

* That didn't actually happen, but I'm using a little something called artistic freedom.

Chick Shits In Tent; Falls In It

Well it looks like British Coachella is off to an intense start!! Get it guys, intense, in tents. This chick needs to watch some "Cosmos" with Neil Degrasse Tyson to learn how gravity works, because in this video she's just not accepting it as a law of nature. And yeah I hate the guy taping it because his commentary is annoying and I hate the main chick because she took a dump in someones tent and then falls in it but I think I hate the blond chick the most. At first she comes in like shes gonna be the knight in muddy armor, but then she just kind of stands there getting in the way of the perfect encapsulation of the 20 somethings who think its awesome to roll their faces off and shit in tents. The beatboxing solo about 2 minutes in was pretty on point though. I think that's what the kid's call "the beat dropping."

Police Officer Crossdresses As An Amish Woman To Catch Child Predator

Police officer Chad Adams dressed as an Amish woman for nearly two months earlier this year, in an attempt to catch a man who Amish families in Western Pennsylvania said was exposing himself to their children.
"I was the butt of jokes from all around, but everyone thought it was a good operation," Adams, a sergeant with the Pulaski Township Police Department, told The Huffington Post.
Adams said in the weeks between the end of December and middle of January, his department investigated several reports of a man exposing himself to Amish children as they walked home from their school. The incidents were reported by Amish people living in New Wilmington, a small town located about 60 miles north of Pittsburgh.

When several days went by without a sighting of the suspect, the police began to wonder what happened to him. It was not long thereafter that they learned authorities in a neighboring county had apprehended someone for allegedly committing similar crimes.

So this is the most emasculating thing of all time, right? Not only did this police officer have to dress up like an Amish woman for weeks, but he didn't even end up catching the diddler? I love how this guy straight up admits that he "was the butt of many jokes, but everyone thought it was a good operation". Aka everyone wanted to pull a prank on someone so they told him that this was totally worth dressing up like an Amish woman to catch a disgusting pedophile even though they were never going to catch him. In the article it says that the only reason this story got out is because the Police Department Facebook page decided to share the picture and tell the story. Sucks to be you bro, can't even cross dress to unsuccessfully try and capture a child predator without being made fun of by the whole country.

The real question is why couldn't he have just hid in a bale of hay in the back of a horse drawn carriage, and waited for this guy to drop trou then pop out and arrest him. The dedication is evident but I think this police officer should be far more embarrassed than he's admitting.

PS- If Adam Sandler ever decides to do a cop movie, than this plot line is right up his alley.

Is Being A Mom The Toughest Job In The World?

Lets just start this off by saying I love my mom. If we were in beer olympics doing a case race, she would be my number one overall pick,  so not only do I love her, but I also respect her. But this video is just ridiculous. You have to be on your feet constantly? Kids take like 3 naps a day. I love how the interviewer threw in that "you have to be able to wear many different hats" like that is some sort of a difficult feat.  If it's so hard to be a mom how come you hire a 16 year old high school chick to take care of your children for hours on end? You trust some teenager who's never worked a real day in her life to do the "toughest job in the world" for a few hours. Makes sense.

Now I've dabbled in sitting on babies and it may be the easiest thing of all time.

8:00 AM: Pour cereal
8:45 AM: Laugh at cartoons
9:45 AM: Watch kid play with toys
11:00 AM: Help Dora Explore
12:00 PM: Make Mac & Cheese. Delicous
1:00 PM: Go to the playground. Display dominance by swinging extremely high.
2:30 PM: Take a nap
4:00 PM: Play with toys and eat candy

Then you rinse and repeat until they are old enough to go to school and then you pawn them off on other adults who's job it is to take care of them.

So what's the real toughest job in the world? The people who work on any show George Lopez has who have to fake laugh at everything that happens

PS- Obligatory Bill Burr