I Hate Christmas Season Overachievers

So it's about two and half weeks until Christmas, which is fantastic. I love Christmas; you get gifts you definitely don't deserve, and get to get drunk with family members and talk about how you all hate each other. Wait, is that just my family? Anyways, I don't just love Christmas, I love the whole month of December, I'm basically just a chick who loves snowflakes and red cups at Starbucks. I'll admit it, I love watching Christmas movies all December long. Sue me.

Unfortunately this year, I've noticed a disgusting trend. I have seen numerous people who post on Facebook say that they are done with their Christmas shopping already. WHAT? I have always hated Black Friday because it ruins shopping for Christmas. One of my favorite Christmas traditions is going to the mall the week before Christmas when trying to find a parking spot is as hard as finding a woman who wants me for me and not my incredible body. I was appalled when I saw a few days ago that someone said they were already done with their shopping. I haven't even viewed Home Alone for the first time yet, so if everyone would kindly slow their roles and go shopping a few days before Christmas like every other red blooded American, where you may or may not have to punt a baby to get what you need, that would be fantastic.

PS- The day before Christmas shoppers are the best. It's usually just a herd of middle aged men carrying 40 bags of unwarranted toys for their shitty kids.

PPS- This is on an unrelated note, but I loathe family Christmas cards. Hate when people try to be funny and look put together even though taking that one good picture was the hardest thing you've ever had to do as a family. You're not fooling anyone, family everyone hates.

PPPS- Elf on the shelf is probably the single reason I could never have kids. The concept of having to change the placement of a toy elf to keep your kids believing in Santa is too high risk, low reward. I just know some NFL Sunday I would drink too many beers and eat too much pizza and forget to move that little fucker from the shelf to the other shelf and ruin all my kids hopes and dreams.

CNN Put Together A List Of Internet Acronyms Every Parent Needs To Know.

1. IWSN - I want sex now

2. GNOC - Get naked on camera

3. NIFOC - Naked in front of computer

4. PIR - Parent in room

5 CU46 - See you for sex

6. 53X - Sex

7. 9 - Parent watching

8. 99 - Parent gone

9. 1174' - Party meeting place

10. THOT - That hoe over there

11. CID - Acid (the drug)

12. Broken - Hungover from alcohol

13. 420 - Marijuana

14. POS - Parent over shoulder

15. SUGARPIC - Suggestive or erotic photo

16. KOTL - Kiss on the lips

17. (L)MIRL - Let's meet in real life

18. PRON - Porn

19. TDTM - Talk dirty to me

20. 8 - Oral sex

21. CD9 - Parents around/Code 9

22. IPN - I'm posting naked

23. LH6 - Let's have sex

24. WTTP - Want to trade pictures?

25. DOC - Drug of choice

26. TWD - Texting while driving

27. GYPO - Get your pants off

28. KPC- Keeping parents clueless

I'm not even joking when I say this: this was the hardest I've laughed in a long time. This astounds me that CNN put this list together and clicked publish and that was considered work for someone. I mean I know one of these from AIM (Sc00ter31592, add me) and that's POS. And that's it, from the whole list. So I'd like to take the time to go over some of my favorite "acronyms that ever parent should know."

3.) NIFOC- Naked in front of camera

I don't even understand this one. Am I texting someone NIFOC and expecting them to be impressed that I'm just alone standing naked in front of my computer. Believe me when I say this, I am at my worst when I am naked in front of my computer.

6.) 53X- Sex

I'll admit this one is good. Those numbers look like letters and that's why it's funny. Hey man, wanna join the PEN15 club, you just have to let me write it on your hand and then you can be a part of the club. 

13.) 420- Marijuana

Luckily for you parents, if you're child has ever really used the term 420 than he also has never actually smoked weed before.

15.) Sugarpic- Suggestive or erotic photo

This one might be my favorite. Like even if your parent saw you say this they would be like what the fuck is going on here. This isn't coding anything. If my 82 year old grandmother saw the word "sugarpic" she would be like oh yeah that person wants a little sexting action. 

16.) KOTL- Kiss on the lips

If your child's biggest secret is kissing someone on the lips than your child has nothing to hide.

18.) PRON- Porn

HAHAHahHAHAahah someone wrote this list and legitimately thought this was a good addition.

22. IPN- I'm posting naked

Where is this message going? Where is this person posting naked, and who are they telling? I mean if you're going to send a naked picture, than just send it, no need for pleasantries and letting me know that you are going to be posting naked.

26.) TWD- Texting while driving 

#X

Honestly this list looks like something The Onion would post, but nope, it's just one of the most popular news outlets in the entire world.

Dad Catching Heat For Being A Good Dad

So I guess this guy posted this picture on reddit and captioned it, "Just being a dad" and it immediately blew up. At first everyone was praising this guy, but recently people have been coming out and saying that he was being a terrible dad. What world am I living in that this guy is being a bad dad? I mean just look at this situation, two daughters, nail polish, having to share a recliner with another human being, and stickers EVERYWHERE. Fun fact about me, I hate stickers. Why? The same reason I don't have any tattoos, the permanence of it freaks me the fuck out. And this dad is just dealing with the cards he was dealt and handling it like a champ. Letting his daughter paint his toenails and still converting a 3rd and 10 in Madden.

I just don't get how people are saying he's being a bad dad. They're saying he is avoiding them and not spending time with them. Have those people ever dealt with kids before? If you just let them do whatever they want and just kind of say "uh huh" at all of their stories, you are immediately their favorite person in the entire world.  Guarantee these kids will go to dad in the future when the are asking to sleep at Stephanie's house but are really gonna sneak out and sleep at J.J's.

Joseph Fauria Mad At Russell Wilson For Stealing His Girlfriend

So I guess this is the new thing now? Professional athletes airing out their dirty laundry on twitter. First Brennan Clay calling out Demarco Murray and now this. I just don't get it. Joseph Fauria, you're a professional football player, and no homo (Roy Hibbert voice) a good looking one at that. Just go on Tinder for 7 seconds and you'll already have more matches then I have ever had. Now Fauria went on to delete the tweet but that doesn't mean anything. Don't be a poor sport Joe, just keep scoring TD's and then immediately delivering dance floor panty slushies and keep having having a dog that may be the cutest dog ever, and I'm sure you will find a rebound girl really quickly.


Beauty rankings

3.) Joseph Fauria

2.) Erika Ann Hammond

1.) Joseph Fauria's dog

Does This Look Like The Face Of A Guy Who Left A "Large Quantity Of Fecal Matter" In A Hotel Lobby?

And after the party is the hotel lobby, and -- damn it, Ronnie.
Police arrested 31-year-old Ronnie Lee Warfield after he allegedly pulled down his pants in a Charleston, S.C. hotel lobby and defecated on the floor, WCIV reports.
When officers arrived at 3:45 a.m. on Sunday, they found a "large quantity of fecal matter" just outside the bathroom at the Francis Marion Hotel. WCIV reports:

An officer walked into the bathroom and found Warfield cleaning himself in one of the stalls; the door was open and he was exposed to anyone walking in, according to the report.
"I didn't mean to do it," Warfield reportedly told the officer. "I couldn't hold it."
The report states Warfield was detained once he had put his pants back on, and another officer talked to the hotel's night auditor about what she saw.
Warfield reportedly interrupted them, telling the hotel employee: "I can clean it up."

Instead, officers took him to jail on charges of public defecation and indecent exposure.

Ahhhh, the classic "I couldn't hold it so I shit all over the lobby of a hotel and got arrested Saturday night". If I had a nickel for every time I did this I would have exactly 0 nickels. Now don't get me wrong, I've shit my pants, and I've been in a hotel lobby, but I've never combined the two. I'm a little surprised that you can even get arrested for this. Like I get that he pulled his pants down and shit a "large quantity of fecal matter" on the floor but at least he had the decency to be in the process of cleaning it up. So hey Ronnie, I'm not a lawyer but I'd be more than willing to represent you in court. I can see it now, history books will talk about the two biggest cases of all time, "Roe vs. Wade" and "Ronnie Warfield vs. Pooping in the Hotel Lobby"

Brookyln Is Hosting A Smallest Penis Contest

It's time, once again, to make the little things count.
The "Smallest Penis Contest," a nutty competition which debuted last year, will return to Brooklyn's Kings County Bar on June 14.
Per a media release, contestants will be judged in multiple categories, including "poise in both evening wear and bathing wear." In addition to a cash prize (which can optionally be donated to charity), a "wee crown and scepter" will be awarded to the less-endowed man best exhibiting "extraordinary heart, talent, and chutzpa."

No blog needed here, just wondering where exactly you sign up. Asking for a friend.

Kid Gets Bryan Cranston To Ask A Girl To Prom

Hey Stefan, cool name bro. I hate all these promposals that kids do to be creative and to get an OTPHJ (Over the pants hand job) on prom night. And I hate the fact that promposal is a word that people now use everyday. Next thing you know its gonna be recognized as a word in the Webster Dictionary. Promposal- (V.)- meaning when upper middle class teenagers have nothing better to do so they create a ridiculous way to invite some ugly chick to prom in order to get lets of attention on social media. In all seriousness though, why cant you just be like, "hey want to go to prom with me?" instead of writing prom? on a thousand doves and releasing them through your schools hallway.*

But if we are being honest here, this has to be one of the coolest promposals ever. Getting one of the most evil characters on TV to say the line that made everyone shit their pants when he said it, would be the greatest moment of my life. I mean I'd rather have Frank Underwood give some impassioned speech convincing my date why it would be better to go to prom with me rather than anyone else and then knock his ring twice, but now isn't a time for a House of Cards vs. Breaking Bad debate, so good for you Stefan, and enjoy your 3 hours of grinding with Maddy followed by 10 hours of the worst blue balls of your life.

* That didn't actually happen, but I'm using a little something called artistic freedom.

Chick Shits In Tent; Falls In It

Well it looks like British Coachella is off to an intense start!! Get it guys, intense, in tents. This chick needs to watch some "Cosmos" with Neil Degrasse Tyson to learn how gravity works, because in this video she's just not accepting it as a law of nature. And yeah I hate the guy taping it because his commentary is annoying and I hate the main chick because she took a dump in someones tent and then falls in it but I think I hate the blond chick the most. At first she comes in like shes gonna be the knight in muddy armor, but then she just kind of stands there getting in the way of the perfect encapsulation of the 20 somethings who think its awesome to roll their faces off and shit in tents. The beatboxing solo about 2 minutes in was pretty on point though. I think that's what the kid's call "the beat dropping."

Police Officer Crossdresses As An Amish Woman To Catch Child Predator

Police officer Chad Adams dressed as an Amish woman for nearly two months earlier this year, in an attempt to catch a man who Amish families in Western Pennsylvania said was exposing himself to their children.
"I was the butt of jokes from all around, but everyone thought it was a good operation," Adams, a sergeant with the Pulaski Township Police Department, told The Huffington Post.
Adams said in the weeks between the end of December and middle of January, his department investigated several reports of a man exposing himself to Amish children as they walked home from their school. The incidents were reported by Amish people living in New Wilmington, a small town located about 60 miles north of Pittsburgh.

When several days went by without a sighting of the suspect, the police began to wonder what happened to him. It was not long thereafter that they learned authorities in a neighboring county had apprehended someone for allegedly committing similar crimes.

So this is the most emasculating thing of all time, right? Not only did this police officer have to dress up like an Amish woman for weeks, but he didn't even end up catching the diddler? I love how this guy straight up admits that he "was the butt of many jokes, but everyone thought it was a good operation". Aka everyone wanted to pull a prank on someone so they told him that this was totally worth dressing up like an Amish woman to catch a disgusting pedophile even though they were never going to catch him. In the article it says that the only reason this story got out is because the Police Department Facebook page decided to share the picture and tell the story. Sucks to be you bro, can't even cross dress to unsuccessfully try and capture a child predator without being made fun of by the whole country.

The real question is why couldn't he have just hid in a bale of hay in the back of a horse drawn carriage, and waited for this guy to drop trou then pop out and arrest him. The dedication is evident but I think this police officer should be far more embarrassed than he's admitting.

PS- If Adam Sandler ever decides to do a cop movie, than this plot line is right up his alley.

Is Being A Mom The Toughest Job In The World?

Lets just start this off by saying I love my mom. If we were in beer olympics doing a case race, she would be my number one overall pick,  so not only do I love her, but I also respect her. But this video is just ridiculous. You have to be on your feet constantly? Kids take like 3 naps a day. I love how the interviewer threw in that "you have to be able to wear many different hats" like that is some sort of a difficult feat.  If it's so hard to be a mom how come you hire a 16 year old high school chick to take care of your children for hours on end? You trust some teenager who's never worked a real day in her life to do the "toughest job in the world" for a few hours. Makes sense.

Now I've dabbled in sitting on babies and it may be the easiest thing of all time.

8:00 AM: Pour cereal
8:45 AM: Laugh at cartoons
9:45 AM: Watch kid play with toys
11:00 AM: Help Dora Explore
12:00 PM: Make Mac & Cheese. Delicous
1:00 PM: Go to the playground. Display dominance by swinging extremely high.
2:30 PM: Take a nap
4:00 PM: Play with toys and eat candy

Then you rinse and repeat until they are old enough to go to school and then you pawn them off on other adults who's job it is to take care of them.

So what's the real toughest job in the world? The people who work on any show George Lopez has who have to fake laugh at everything that happens

PS- Obligatory Bill Burr