Mel Kiper Jr. Releases His 2025 Big Board

I somehow convinced Mel Kiper Jr. to give The Paper Toss the exclusive rights to the top 5 athletes on his 2025 Big Board. So here they are:


1.) Danny Brock- QB-Westwood Middle School -12 years old, 5 feet 2 inches, 110 pounds

The intangibles for this kid are off the charts. Not to mention his height and weight are far superior to all of his classmates. Has a cannon for an arm and can throw the ball up to 35 yards in the air! Some NFL teams are worried, however, that he is playing too much dodgeball in gym class, and are currently seeking out the gym teacher to see if they can play a less dangerous game every week. Either way, Danny is destined to be the face of an NFL franchise.

NFL comparison:Tom Brady, Peyton Manning 5 years ago, Carson Palmer

2.)Irving Flores - DT Somerset Charter School- 13 years old, 5 feet 6 inches, 160 pounds

The natural ability for this kid is incredible. Physically, this kid is a freak. He explodes off the line for someone his size, at his age. Upside is incredible, however, some scouts are concerned that his weight simply comes from Oreos rather than X's and O's folks. He hardly spends any time in the gym, so some are concerned that when other people catch up to his size and weight, that he will plateau. His on field productivity is why I have him this high on my Big Board.

NFL comparison: Vince Wilfork, Other Fat Men

3. Joey Campbell - WR- White Mountain School- 12 years old, 4 feet 7 inches, 95 pounds

Although undersized, Joey is a real gym rat. His football IQ is through the roof and his deceptive athleticism comes through on the field. He is a real coaches son, and loves running those underneath routes. The quarterback and him always seem to be on the same page, and the qb always knows where he is going to be. He is a captain on and off the field where he has made the honor roll 6 straight terms and his mom has a "My son is an honor roll student at White Mountain School" sticker on her mini van. You're just as likely to find his nose in a school book, as a playbook. Many scouts/dads said that he's the kind of kid you want your daughter to date.

NFL Comparison: Julian Edelman, Wes Welker, Brandon Stokley, Joe Jurevicius, Cole Beasley

4.) Kelly Sharp- QB- Northview Middle School- 13 years old, 5 feet, 110 pounds

Kelly Sharp is one of the more controversial picks in the "draft that wont happen for another 10 years." He seems like a no brainer while leading his team to a state championship the first two years playing football. However, Sharp's heart seems to be in playing baseball, where he lead his team to three straight Little League championships, all while leading the league in home runs and shutouts. He is a type of guy that cares more about championCHIPS, than potato CHIPS, in my opinion. It's too bad he only has 8 more years to decide which sport he would like to play at the professional level. Scouts will say they like his versatility in playing two sports but are concerned that he may choose to play the national past time over the sport that won't exist ten years from now because of the rather huge concussion issue that may ruin the NFL forever but no one seems to be really talking about it. (The NFL made me cross that last part out)

NFL Comparison- Drew Stanton, Brandon Weeden, Colin Kaepernick

5.) Orlando Cannon- CB- Clear Lake Middle School- 12 years old. 4 feet 11 inches, 105 pounds

Orlando Cannon has all the talent on the field but off the field concerns seem to be deterring NFL teams from choosing him ten years from now. He has served two in school suspensions, including one for stuffing some nerd in a locker. He also was caught running an illegal lunch trading scheme in which he ended up with everyone's lunch money without anyone finding out. On the field however, he is someone that can really change the game. His dad played in the NFL for 12 years, and it seems that his son has gotten all of his on field instincts. It is too early to tell if he will be able to get his act together over the next ten years before he makes it into the NFL. I mean he's 12 years old, when I was 12 years old I was worried about where I was going to masturbate next, wait is my mic still on?

NFL Comparison- Michael Vick, somehow

And there you have it. Once again, I wanna say thanks to Mel Kiper Jr. for letting The Paper Toss be the first place he came to, in order to release his 2025 Big Board.

Website I've Definitely Never Heard of, Naughty America, Introduces Virtual Reality Porn

I'll link to the post because I don't feel like posting the whole thing here, but it was interesting to read. Now the porn industry has been saying that virtual reality is the next big thing for porn. Well count me out. Now before you get your pitchforks out and try to kill me, hear me out.

I'm all about things being realistic. And I, in my heart of hearts, know there is a zero percent chance that I could be having sex with a porn star. It's the same reason you don't see me playing quarterback for some NFL team this weekend. It just is not realistic. Virtual reality porn would almost depress me. I would sit in my room with my headset on and just be sad because I know that this could never be real life. And believe me, I've seen enough sci-fi movies (one) to know that once you start introducing better lives on virtual reality headsets, you never take them off and you never leave you're room and become a disgusting hermit. Not that I'm worried about that or anything...

The reality is, no matter how "realistic" it seems, it just could never be true. Even if the virtual porn star was dirty talking to me and telling me it was real, I couldn't go through with it. For me, dirty talk is like being that kid in little league who's dad was a coach, but only played 3 innings a game in right field and only got one at bat a game, but since his dad was a coach you had to cheer for him as if he could somehow get a hit. He(I) knows he (I'm) isn't the best and no matter how hard his teammates (girl I somehow seduced) told him (me) that he (I) could do it, he (I) is really hoping just to somehow get hit by a pitch (euphemism for lasting longer than 2 minutes)

Hot Sauce, No, Not That Hot Sauce, A Different One, Gets Released On 21 Million Dollar Bail By Powerball Winning Baby Mama. Wait, What?

North Carolina Powerball winner Marie Holmes garnered side-eyes from a slew of social media users when her story hit the Web. In August, Holmes reportedly dropped a whopping total of $9 million on her boyfriend’s Lamarr “Hot Sauce” McDow bail after cashing out for two of his releases. On New Year’s Day (Jan. 1), Holmes spent another $12 million on bail for McDow. In his first interview since their story was made public, McDow is coming to Holmes’ defense, noting that he would “do the same for her” if their roles were reversed.

“We are a couple, and I am the father of her youngest child. This is what people do for each other. She has the money and she can do what she wants with it,” he told Daily Mail. “If I had that money then I would do the same for her. People are just jealous because of how much she won and people want to see me locked in jail"

The title of this blog is kind of like The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn. It will be mostly skimmed over, its confusing, and its pretty racist.

Sticking with the Powerball theme with this blog and this lady spent 21 MILLION dollars getting her boyfriend out of jail. If I'm spending 21 million dollars in order to get someone named Hot Sauce out of jail its going to be this Hot Sauce:

But nope, its just some other guy named Hot Sauce who was caught with 8,000 bags of heroin. Although I live on Cape Cod, I don't know too much about heroin but what I do know is that 8,000 bags of it is a lot. And how about Hot Sauce saying that he would do the same thing for her if the roles were reversed. Yeahhhh sure buddy, everyone believes that one. 

If we are being honest here, I saw someone named Hot Sauce in a headline, and thought it was going to be about the OG streetball star, and then I fell down a rabbit hole of watching streetball videos on Youtube and now I'm whooping it up every time someone does something cool. I'm in my room alone, so this is weird. So this blog sucks but here is a fun fact for you: Hot Sauce's net worth is 300 thousand dollars. I don't know if that is a lot or not but it is a number.

What Would You Do If You Won The Powerball

Why does the Powerball logo look like its stuck listening to N*SYNC  and playing with Tamagotchis?

Now it's time to play everyone's favorite game: talk about what you would do if you won the largest Powerball in United States history. 900 MILLION DOLLARS. That is INSANE money. Lump sum of about 500 million dollars, and you didn't do anything to earn it. God Bless America. But what would you do if you won?

My answer to that question is the one of the best ideas this million thousand dollar brain has ever come up with. Every sports fan wants to own a sports franchise. Thats obvious. But most sports franchises cost close to a billion dollars. Thats why I'm going a different route.

To answer it simply, I would make an expansion team in the Arena Football League right here on Cape Cod. The Cape Cod Sharks. I can already see the name in poorly lit lights all over the town. Cape Cod is all about tourism. Summers are booming, and it just so happens that the Arena League football schedule happens in the summer. "Oh whats that? It's raining, and we can't go to the beach? What are we going to do?" You're going to watch former Division 2 football players play a weird version of football, that's what.

Teams in the AFL are worth less than 5 million dollars, so I would spend that to start an expansion team, take another 50 million build a state of the art (kind of) stadium, and bingo bango I own a sports franchise. Now here is where my brain starts really firing on all cylinders and I think I may be a genius. I offer Tim Tebow a contract he couldn't refuse. The fact that Tebow is dressing like a boy band singer and sitting on the sidelines commentating games is a national travesty. I would sign Tim Tebow and make him play on Sundays where he belongs. (I actually don't know when their games are played but they could be on Sundays) Are you trying to tell me that people wouldn't travel far and wide to see this guy play football?

Of course they would. So it's a done deal and this is going to happen when I win tonight. Get ready world.

PS- If anyone is good at photoshop please let me know because I tried to make a Cape Cod Sharks logo and it didn't come out well. As you can tell with my last blog, still working on the photoshop skills.

I Think I Want To Be The Cleveland Browns New Head Coach

      I just started dabbling in photoshop so this is not a creepy or weird picture at all. I wanted my return to writing on this blog (like one or two blogs per week viewed mostly by myself and people who feel bad for me) to be big and what bigger than putting my name in the ring to be an NFL head coach. Why me? Well this is my resume telling you why.

MICHAEL KENNEDY

OBJECTIVE: Be the Cleveland Browns new head coach

EDUCATION: Cape Cod Community College

                           College of I'm Lazy

                           -Associates in Arts

                           - 3.4 GPA 

                           - Sports Editor for Student Newspaper

EXPERIENCE: You might be wondering why I am qualified for this job. I have listed many reasons why I would be perfectly suited to be the head coach for the Cleveland Browns.

- NCAA Football 2014: I am really good at this game. While playing on Heisman difficulty, I took Johnny Manziel's Texas A&M team to the National Championship 3 straight seasons and he won the Heisman in all of those years. A lot of people will question a jump to the NFL and if I could be successful. If Bobby Petrino, Nick Saban, Steve Spurrier, and Chip Kelly can do it, then why can't I? 

-Madden 16: I am also good at this game. I played with the Cleveland Browns and went 13-3 in the first season en route to a Super Bowl victory. Johnny Manziel started every game with the exception of 3 where he had a "concussion". Interesting to say the least, but we still won the the last game of the season, which is the most important. 

-Baseball: I coach baseball. You just hired Paul DePodesta who literally has only worked in baseball for his whole career. So, in fitting with your recent hires, I would be perfect. I have coached a 14 year old AAU team for the past two summers where I have coached them and we won more than half our games. Oh, I've seen the movie Moneyball at least 5 times and actually read the book.

SKILLS: Proficient in Microsoft Excel, Good at Bartending (not great), Can speak conversational Spanish, and I'm working on bettering my English. 

As far as what type of coach I would be? A players coach, with a genius mind. My style of offense tends to be rolling out to the right on every single play and hoping that someone gets open or I just scramble for a while and throw the ball away. No turnovers that way. Defense is not exactly my specialty but no one ever says defense wins championships. And thats it. I can't wait to hear back from the Cleveland Browns organization.