Deaf Dude gets Stabbed after his Sign Language gets Mistaken for a Gang Sign

"East Side nukka." Oh, it's a black hand? Racial profiling much, google images?

Yeah, I'm well aware that I am about two days late to the party with this story here, but I thought it was too interesting to pass up. Apparently some deaf dude was mid conversation (if you even want to call it that) when another guy came up and stabbed him. Of course, this all happened about 3 minutes from where I go to school with a bunch of preppy white kids, but I digress.

Anyways, the stabber in this case is getting a bad wrap. I'm 100% on his side. Deafy McDeafpants probably should try and avoid standing in another mans yard in Burlington, NC, which is potentially one of the more ghetto places I have ever been. There was 150% chance he was getting stabbed, regardless of whether or not he was making strange hand motions. 

The weirdest part about the story is that Police Sgt. Yancey has since come forth and said the stabber had no gang affiliation. Delicious twist there. Probably makes sense as to why he mistook "I'm doing super, how about yourself" for "Yo ese, toy soldier commish straight up loc cabron holmes" though.

The whole point of this blog is that Burlington is fucking insane. It is one of those rare places on Earth where you can combine pretentious college students, Earl from down the street who likes cooking crystal meth, and impoverished gangbangers without having the entire place break out in total anarchy.*

*Just kidding. It is total anarchy. Since I've been at Elon we have had a serial peeping tom/masturbator, a man robbing students with a shotgun wearing a Spiderman mask, 6 people with dreads beating somebody with a tire iron (kinda like the unity in the hair, though. Respect), and an 18 year old girl driving from Pennsylvania to murder her ex boyfriend. Hilarious. A little different from the Cape.

Role Playing

She has no idea how to use that syringe. 

If there is one thing in this world that I truly don't understand, it would have to be role playing. Not like LARPING, because everyone knows that shit is wayyyyyy beyond comprehension. But role playing in the place where the magic happens. Is MTV Cribs still on? Anyways, I just can't comprehend the likability of role playing. Never done it, never will. Like no, I don't want to see you dressed up as anything but yourself, because technically you are just putting more clothes on and thats confusing. All I want is to have my thirty seconds of glory and then roll over, fall asleep, and dream about pudding.

First of all, I don't understand why girls like to dress up like a teacher, or a nurse, or a firefighter. And second of all, do they have the credentials. Like if a girl dresses up like a teacher does she actually have to teach me something? Because I feel like the only things a girl who actually does role playing could teach is how to deep throat a banana and how to acquire STD's.

 And if a girl dresses up like a nurse, does she have to perform a physical on me? Is she licensed to do that? Because if I'm gonna be role playing with someone as a nurse, I want a real physical. Have sex with two birds with one stone. (I think that's the expression) Plus, nothing gets my mojo going like a girl cupping "my boys" and making me cough.

A firefighter is probably the most disconcerting though. Like do I actually have to start a fire for this girl to put out, because I don't think my mom would appreciate a fire inside the house. Is she properly trained to douse fires? I don't want to start this fire and have to put it out myself, because nothing gets me more flaccid than having to put out fires. True story.

I don't know. Maybe I'm missing out, but I don't think anything is sexy about me having to pretend to be a professor and a girl dressing up as a student and then me having sex with her. Like that HAS to break so many rules in the school's handbook and I don't know if I'm willing to risk my job as a professor to do that.

GPS Systems are so Cocky

Knight Rider? There's only one Knight Rider and that's the Hoff

What I am about to say is going to be controversial. Fuck technology. More specifically, fuck GPS systems. For starters, they are blood thirsty mini-robots that are slowly trying to eliminate the human race. NBD though. Just navigating people into a premature and watery grave is all.*

Not to mention the tone they take with you when you go in a wrong direction. Oh, really Karen (named my GPS Karen because the only Karen I know is a mega bitch), you want me to bang a U-ey in the middle of the freeway. Gotcha. How about you shut up and let me listen to my Aaron Carter CD in peace. At this point I'd rather be lost for a couple of hours than listen to Karen get all uppity with me. Condescension oozes out of that mechanical bitch. It's like, go home Karen, you can't even say "boulevard" correctly. Not to mention you say "route" like a fucking dunce. Randy Moss runs "rowts". I drive my shitbag car down "roots". Get it right and grow up, Karen.

*Not much hope for the human race when people are driving their cars into bodies of water like Michael Scott did. Did we really expect any differently from women drivers though? Reallllly? Women drivers, no survivors.

----Unrelated, but why in the hell do people turn down the volume of the radio when they are trying to find a location? Makes no sense, yet everybody including myself does it.

Did Lance Armstrong Roll Around in Radioactive Waste?

Dude looks like a pterodactyl 

 ESPN--"Lance Armstrong will admit to doping during his famed cycling career in an upcoming interview with Oprah Winfrey, according to USA Today Sports.

Armstrong

The newspaper cites a source who says that while Armstrong will confess, it is unlikely he will go into specific details.

The interview will tape Monday, but won't air until Thursday.

According to Winfrey's website on Tuesday, this will be a "no-holds-barred interview" with Armstrong, who was stripped of seven Tour de France titles. It will be the first with Armstrong since his cycling career crumbled under the weight of a massive report by the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency. The report detailed accusations of drug use by Armstrong and teammates on his U.S. Postal Service teams."

I despise when athletes or celebrities go on talk shows to admit to something that they've done wrong. Like newsflash Lance, everyone already knows you cheated your way to 7 Tour de Frances. No need to go on the Big O and probably tear up and pretend you regret doing it. Because you don't and to be honest, I dont really blame you. If the doc told me I had testicular cancer, I'd probably roll around in radioactive waste so I could become a super hero. "Mike, that doesn't actually work." Uhhh, yeah it does. When has it not worked? Anyways, back to Armstrong, it says that it is unlikely he will go into specific details. Sorry to break the news to you killer, but no one wants to know who shot you up with red blood cells in the back of a Mcdonalds parking lot.

This is such a blatant way for Armstrong to make another dollar and it makes me sick to my stomach. Like how much do bicyclists make anyways? Is it easy? Should I give it a go? But obviously, Lance Armstrong is gonna go on Oprah and then he's gonna co-write a book about his life and then some idiot in Hollywood will make a movie about him and it'll obviously suck, but hey, it's more coin in his pocket. And I mean he's not the worst guy in the entire world, all he did was lie to the whole world and illegally win championships that he doesn't deserve and wear stupid looking helmets. LIVESTRONG BRO.

PS- For some strange reason, I always used to get Lance Armstrong and Lance Bass confused. Those two guys couldn't be more different.

First Dates

Is going on a first date the worst thing in the world? Yes. And as I sit here on a Friday night, just getting back from the worst job in the entire world, pondering why my only date tonight is with a few beers and six episodes of "Scrubs" I wonder why we go on first dates. Like girls are so weird, and the less you you know about them, the better. So why do guys still go on dates with them? Obviously to get laid. Well in this technological age we live in, going on dates is almost completely unnecessary. With Snapchat, and Twitter, and facebook, you can basically get to know this person better with 1 day of being technologically savvy, than to actually go on a date with this person. Story time: I started talking to this girl because she favorited all my tweets (can't blame her, I'm hilarious) and then we started texting and yeah we traded some tasteful nude snapchats back and forth. Perfect set up. First date included Taco Bell that she paid for (cue the part where people call me a scumbag) and a blowjob so yeah, I'd say it was pretty successful. But this was a best case scenario.

There are so many questions with the first date that it is almost criminal. Like, am I picking her up? What are we going to do? Do I have to meet her parents? Should I be wearing two pairs of socks so that my feet don't smell? Should I not bring up my inability to smell farts? (Explanation coming in a future blog) Is she at least going to give me a handjob? Should I try to fuck her? Answers to those questions are as followed. Always pick a girl up unless she has a cooler car than you, in which case, congrats on dating a rich girl. Always take a girl mini-golfing. Bitches love mini-golfing and in comparison to the size of the course, your dick looks huge. Always meet the parents. Being nice to the parents means that the girl will like you. SCIENCE. Always wear two pairs of socks for extra comfort and so they don't smell. I definitely bring up my inability to smell farts because its probably one of my better qualities. Hand jobs are for 6th graders and Taylor Swift's boyfriends. And yeah always fuck her, preferably on the mini golf course, after they close, underneath the waterfall. Because as much as bitches love mini-golf, they love waterfalls like 450% more.

One last tid-bit about first dates. I hate when girls ask all the obvious first date questions. What is your favorite movie? What is your favorite color? Do you like having 5 older sisters? What is your goal in life? Like hey toots, I'm not here to get to know you, I simply would like to know what you look like when your baking me cookies in the nude.

PS- Always beat the girl in mini-golf. Shows dominance. Isn't hard for me since my short game is NICE. Try and at least get 2 hole's in one's. (weird plurality for hole in one)

CAMS NOTE: First paragraph. Thinly veiled brag about getting a b-jibber on a first date. "I'm not one to toot my own horn, but toot fucking toot." Whatevs, I'm just jealous because my streak is dryer than the Sahara.

The Flu Problem

Schnoz for days. Invest in some Nyquil, brochacho

So it's halftime of the Celtics game, and two things have come to my attention:

1) The poor round eyes on the Celtics couldn't hold Jeremy Lin down.

2) This flu "problem" is really fucking annoying. It's all I've heard about for the last three days. "Blah, blah, blah get a flu shot. You'll be sorry." My grandmother all up in arms about CVS running out of the vaccine. Serves her right for calling me dumb. Who's "stupid" now, Grandma? Probably should have gone a bit earlier than January if you valued your life so much. PS- I ain't watching your dog if you croak. He sucks.

All of this would sound incredibly harsh if the vaccine actually did anything. But this year it isn't quite as effective as it has been in past years. The CDC has come out and said it has been about 62% effective. Fat fucking chance that I am getting off my ass to go to my nearest Rite Aid* so some stranger (who is probably just a Rite Aid employee in a lab coat. Real clever them folk are) can stick me in the arm with a needle for a vaccine that probably won't work. And look at the title of the CNN article- "Had a Flu Shot?- You'll be OK...Maybe." It's like they are taunting old people about their very, very real mortality. Kind of hilarious coming from a major news source. Referring back to Lin, the headline creator must be the same asshole who made the "Chink in the Armor" title for ESPN last year. That dude can write for The Paper Toss anytime. 

In conclusion, people are freaking out about this flu because people are dying. It's all old people though, so like, who cares? (100% chance I get the flu and die within the next fortnight)

*Rite Aid: aka Hillbilly CVS aka White Trash Walgreens. 

Sweet Shot there Tubby

When did Kevin James start playing basketball?

Looks like Kyle Korver has been going to McDonald's a helluva whole lot. So everybody and their mother has been talking about this athletic specimen doing his best Reggie Miller impression. GREAT STORY, AWESOME SHOT THERE CHAMP! It's nice kid, because now you won't be bullied for, like, a full week! Then everybody will remember that you have a rack remarkably similar to that of Kate Upton's and order will be restored in the sociosphere (not a word, but it totally is now. Bookmark this blog, Merriam-Webster*).

But seriously, I remember what it's like to peak in 6th grade. It's fucking miserable. I'm sure it's nice now, but just remember it's all downhill from here fatty. 

More noteworthy than Chair Crusher getting lucky from distance occurs at around the :20 second mark. #34, or as I am going to refer to him, "The Truth", completely big times his own teammate. Way to leave him hanging bro. More awkward than Wally Szczerbiak throwing 5 in the stink of LeBron a couple years back. I will say this about "The Truth"- great chest pass dime, man. White boy fundamentals for the win.

PS- Hey Sweat Hawg- wearing a thick undershirt doesn't hide your cleavage.

PPS- Fuck, I'm out of shape. Don't throw stones in a glass house I guess.

*Cam: Comedian, Student, Word Innovator? Triple threat indeed.

Wild Horses Forever

If you could be any animal in the animal kingdom, what would you choose? I actually think about this question a lot because I don't have much else to do. I think the answer is unequivocally a wild horse. Have you guys seen wild horses in action, they're beautiful. And not beautiful in a like I want to bang horses kind of way, but like in a majestic way. And I'm not talking about like farm horses either. Fuck saddles and shit. I just want to be grazing on the plains and getting in foot (hoof?) races with my homies. Like, have you ever seen a wild horse just galloping? I just spent 20 minutes on Youtube watching videos of wild horses and it was the best decision I've made all day. Wild Horses forever. 

People are gonna say "C'mon you have to be something scary" and to them I say neyyy. (Probably the best pun I've ever used) First of all, horses are the scariest animals in the entire world, they'll kick you in the jaw just because you're giving off a bad vibe. Second of all I don't particularly think that you have to choose something scary. Like 37% of people are going to choose dog because you can just chill and eat and chew up sneakers all day. That doesn't sound scary to me at all. 

Some people are going to choose Lion, but uhhh newsflash, have you seen The Lion King? If you choose lion, then your brother will kill you and run Pride Rock into the ground, it's inescapable. Lion King side note: you named one of your sons Mufasa and the other one Scar. No shit Scar is going to be evil, he had no choice. 

Now, BOP (Bird of prey) I actually have no issue with someone choosing. Those guys just chill and fly around and kill kangaroos. Also being a bald eagle is like the most American thing anyone could do besides banging Betsy Ross on the 1st American flag immediately after she was done making it. The only issue I have with choosing bird is that I absolutely love the ground. Running on it, bicycling on it, pooping on it. Whatever the action is, I want flat ground to do it on. "Be a flightless bird then." FUCK FLIGHTLESS BIRDS. If you can't fly, then don't be a bird. 

PS- Wild Horses are endangered so if everyone could just go out and save a wild horse today than that would just be fantastic. Do it for me. 

Worst Companies Ever

Cool Nokia phone bro. 

Yahoo--"Why are some companies hated? The answer often depends on who is asking. Corporations can anger their customers, fail their shareholders, and mistreat their employees. 24/7 Wall St. analyzed each of these angles to pick the 5 most hated companies in America. 1.) J.C. Penney 2.) Dish Network 3.) T-Mobile 4.) Facebook 5.) Citigroup"

There are so many things wrong with this list that its almost unfathomable, other than Facebook of course. I mean imagine if all of these companies didn't exist, the world would be mayhem. J.C. Penney number 1? Uhhh have you ever talked to your grandparents about J.C. Penney? They love it. Where else are you gonna find sweaters that already smell like mothballs, so there goes that argument.

Now Dish Network is a strange choice because I don't think I've ever met someone who actually enjoys having Dish. But here is a little known fact about me, I think those dishes that have to sit up on your roof are beautiful. They are new-era weathervanes. So next time you go to jump down Dish Networks throat, think of me and think of how beautiful the dishes actually are.

T-mobile number 3? Get real. I mean, sure, I dont know anyone who actually has T-Mobile as their cell phone provider, but have you seen their commercials? Any girl that rides a motorcycle and loves wearing leather can play for my team any day.

facebook is obviously in my top 5 as well but at the same time, I have such an issue with this choice. Because everybody and their dog has a facebook, so its hard to imagine that the whole world is hypocrites. It's like people who in front of their friends say, "HAHA dude you watch Grey's Anatomy, that's so gay" and then they go home and watch the 4 new DVR'd episodes they have recorded. Like bro, everyone watches Greys Anatomy, tell the world.

I have to admit that I had kind of really no idea what Citigroup was, but I guess its a bank? (Ten bucks to whoever actually knew that) Oh so cool, everyone hates banks now? So I guess were gonna just get rid of banks and everyone is gonna sleep with their money in their mattress like some degenerate hobos? Or are we gonna put all our money into the gold bars and just have stacks of gold bars hanging around our houses? (Actually a cool idea) Get over it America, banks are cool.

My top 5 worst companies
1.) facebook-obvious reasons
2.) Pandora and their beads- biggest/weirdest money scheme ever (does make easy gift though)
3.) Chipotle- B2 all day. My non existent autistic cousin could make better burritos than Chipotle
4.) Puma- If you ever/still wear Pumas, plan on never participating in adult conversations
5.) Old Navy- too many kids, not enough MILFS

Celebrity Death Pool 2013: Because we are Assholes

Rules: Cam and I get 5 picks each. Whoever chooses the greatest amount of correct celebrity deaths wins. Winner gets to slap the loser in the face.

Cam's Picks:
1) John Goodman: Love the dude, but he's a fat turd and has been for awhile. Plus the years of working with Roseanne are bound to catch up to him at some point.

2) Spencer Pratt: Car crash. Book it.

3) Pete Doherty: Dude likes his crack and heroin a bit too much.

4) Courtney Love: She too likes her opiates. Plus, we all know she killed Kurt.

5) Stephon Marbury: People with face tattoos generally have shorter life spans than those without them. Mere observation. Plus, he is crazy.

Mike's Picks
1.) Betty White- Even though this is like basically cheating because she is like 138 years old, but she also just got her own tv show which is grounds for kicking the bucket.

2.) Jamarcus Russell- Former #1 overall pick, now just chillen in Louisiana. Maybe he'll die because he finally threw an accurate pass!

3.) Andy Dick- The inspiration to do this was based on Cam's weird obsession with Andy Dick. Dude may die of being weird.

4.) John Stamos- There always has to be 1 wildcard in your death pool. Obviously I dont want him to croak but I kind of wouldn't be that surprised.

5.) Stephen Hawking- Pretty sure this dude has been dead for like 23 years and they're just pulling a hoax on us. But he made my list, just in case that isn't true.

Nice Mancrush Blog there Scoot. I Raise you Dick!

This man is ACTUALLY bringing sexy back

You know, Justin Timberlake is one handsome motherfucker with pristine pipes. Any red-blooded male with eyes and ears can hear/see that. Valid choice for sure there Mikey. However, there is only one true man that is bringing sexy back, and that man is clearly Andy Dick. Have you seen his B-Jibber technique in Old School? A+. RAW SEX APPEAL. And this: 

Demonstrates the exact type of values I want in my role models, and leaders of the free world (Dick 2016? WE WANT DICK! WE WANT DICK!). He's just a regular guy, a working man's man. Granted, the amount of drugs he has in his system at any point in time could probably kill most elephants, but that just makes him all the more likable. He just don't give a fuck. He's everything right with America. 

Not to mention the quality of cinema he has been in over the course of his lengthy, unforgettable career is second only to one Mr. Nicolas Cage. Have you clowns ever seen Employee of the Month? Sure he had to work alongside acting gurus such as Dane Cook and Jessica Simpson, but the fact that his performance was not overshadowed by acting beside such greats makes his resume all the more impressive. 

Plus, he whips his cock out in public a lot. Kinda funny. He probably owes about half of LA 3 kicks in the asses each for showing them the goat.

PS- he apparently called that mongoloid Howard Stern a "hook-nosed Jew." Anti-semitism...hilarious! And he totes groped Pam Anderson on live TV. Play on playa.

I hate facebook

Now I know it's commonplace to hate on Facebook these days, but I really need to get this off my chest. First off, Facebook nowadays is basically just a dating site where you try and hook up with girls who have gotten a lot hotter since high school. Anyways, in the status update box, Facebook asks me, "whats happening, Mike" and this is troublesome to me. Not only do I not want Facebook wondering what's going on with my life, but I hate the fact it knows my name. And people are gonna say "you're dumb, your name is right there on your page" and I get that, but at the same time I feel like Facebook is a robot that'll probably take over the world by knowing everyone's name and then I'll be the one laughing.

The thing I hate most about Facebook, is how the dumbest person gets like 136 likes on a status that's like "I know I aint be book smart, but I know I be smarter than my ex. Get lost G!." Because I obviously care so much about you and your exes issues and how even though you do have a child together, that the child won't suffer. OKAY. Or someone that posts a picture of a cat doing something completely cat-like

and everyone comments on it being like "OMG, she is so cute. I've never seen a cat do that before." Like seriously, you've never seen a cat sleep? Well maybe you should just look at any cat because that's all they fucking do. 

Last huge issue with Facebook is this. Remember when it first came out and you were sitting with your friends joking around being like "imagine if your grandma had a Facebook  what would she write? hahahahaha." Well thats like a real thing now, everybody's grandma has a Facebook and they write the most ridiculous shit. "Just got home from church and now I'm gonna make a fresh batch of cookies all while smelling like mothballs"---the only reasonable status update from any grandma.

PS- Why the fuck do I have to capitalize facebook? Like tiny red squiggly line, get off me. I'm boycotting the capitalization of the word facebook and I suggest you do the same.

Public Bathroom Talk: Potty Language

Dude on the left could really stand to do some plyometrics. Do a squat, lard ass

Ahhh public restrooms. A great place where an individual could potentially have their day absolutely ruined. Or made, depending on if you like fucking with people. Thinking of dudes peeing really got my creative juices flowing, so below lies a list of things to avoid doing (or you can do 'em to mess with people...doesn't phase me) while in a public facility:

1) Eye Contact: Make NONE. Head down, stare at your own dick. Keep that head fixed. Nobody likes a peeping Perry staring into the depths of their soul while trying to drain the serpent.

2) Talking: I hate it when people I know talk to me. I hate it when people I know talk to me in the bathroom. I really fucking hate it when people I don't know talk to me in the bathroom. There is a 0% chance I can piss the second somebody opens their trap. I just say fuck it and walk out.

If you really want to fuck with somebody, just combine the two rules above, completely ignore them, and whisper something cryptic under your breath. Something like "Nice" or "Atta boy". That dude that you talk to is not going to take a leak outside the comfort of his own locked bathroom for the rest of his life.

3) Spacing between Pelvis and Urinal: You get some real strange people who look like they are more or less grinding on the urinals. Bro, nobody is trying to look at your dick. Give the urinal some space, you're suffocating it. Conversely, there are those that look like they are knocking down three-pointers, standing about 10 feet from the urinal using their dick like a super soaker. Shit's weird. Just stand there like a normal dude and not give people front row tickets to the splash zone. Unless you stand like this, in which case do it every single time you are in a public bathroom:

<------this guy knows how to partayyyy (I don't even want to know how much stranger piss is on that right hand of his though)

4) Piss Accuracy: Surprisingly not a big deal. Every time somebody steps foot inside a public facility they ought to know they are probably going to be wading ankle deep in piss. Seriously, sometimes I feel like I need an arc to navigate through one of these public bad Larry's. It's just one of those things you grow to accept as you get older I suppose. Personally, I just close my eyes and let what happens happen. In other words, I just use the same strategy I'd use if I was ever cornered by a gang in a federal prison.

5) Hand Washing: If you wash your hands every time you go to the bathroom, I don't want to associate with you or know you for that matter. You're unnecessarily prolonging your public bathroom experience to wash off germs when you are about to put them back on your hands when you open the door to exit. Stupid. Moron. Idiot. In and out. No washing*

As for ladies, don't be stupid. Girls don't go to the bathroom. Grow up, Peter Pan. Count Chocula.

*Unless you ran out of toilet paper and wiped with your hand. But if you did that, there are a whole number of issues wrong with you that I don't even want to delve into, with #1 being the fact you shit in a public restroom. Psychopath.

Aaaaand Now I'm Hard

I'm ready for you Justin. I mean, uhhhh, im ready for your new album, not like sexually ready for you. Although I do have to say that he is on a short list of men I would feel completely comfortable kissing and I'm fine with the world knowing that. And to move on from us kissing, if this video didn't get you jacked up than I don't know what will. Like, i'm going to watch this video before every new blog I write for inspiration. Thanks for being you JT.

By the way, does anyone have it better than Justin Timberlake. I mean the dude slayed it with N*SYNC with his weird frosted tips and killer dance moves. Then they broke up after being a huge success and he was just like okay I guess I'll just have a killer solo career for a minute. Then he got bored with singing and was like I'll dabble in acting and he kills it. Like have you seen "Friends with Benefits"? I fell in love with him more than I did Mila Kunis. Then he's like okay I might as well get married to the HOTTEST GIRL EVER in Jessica Biel and make her change her name to Jessica Timberlake. Absolute man move right there. Now, he could sit on his as and collect his money and bang his smoking hot wife and have beautiful kids but he's like nahhhh I'm just gonna put another album and it'll probs go platinum. Now this is officially my first man crush that I've posted but there will probably be many more. Sorta gay but not really at all.

PS- Dude has a 6 handicap in golf. Dude knows how to get it in the hole. (nudge nudge) (wink wink)

Jessica Timberlake (not just a random .gif of hot girl)

Is Being a Waiter the Worst Thing in the World?

It's physically impossible to be happy while serving food

Alright so when it comes down to shitty jobs a person can have while being in college, being a waiter actually has to be one of the best, financially. However, every shift that you work as a waiter takes a day off your life span and that is scientifically proven. Whether it comes down to having to put an old persons food in a blender so that they can drink it like soup or having to clean up the ridiculous mess that a child just made that looks as though a table size tornado just hit that area, it is just the worst job that there could possibly be. And here is the much anticipated (by me) 5 worst things about being a waiter/waitress.

5.)Being a man in a female workplace- This statement isn't supposed to be sexist because it is known that way more women work in food service then men. It isn't the fact that I get called a waitress 73% of the time that really peeves me, but it's the fact that I have to work with 15 other women at the same time. Women are the scariest creatures on earth (aside from wild horses) and working with them is the most difficult thing to do. I mean I think the more shifts I work, the more my dick shrivels up and I start to grow a vagina. Probably should see a doctor about it, but I already know what he'd tell me. Stop working with women.

4.)Doing what the customer asks- This is the most difficult thing for me to do because I'm always right no matter what the argument. ie Ginny Weasley is an absolute smoke. But the thing about being a waiter is that the customer always has to be right and you have to make sure of that. "Can you put half chocolate milk and half orange juice in a glass and then sit at my table and drink it in front of me." "Could you be a doll and spray all the mustard down your pants and then give me 5 dollars." Both of those things are true(ish) stories about what I've had to do to keep a customer happy.

3.)Bad tippers- This is something that I've honestly never understood. Like why go out to eat and order a 23oz. Stella Artois and a New York Strip dipped in liquid gold if you aren't gonna give a good tip. Like everyone knows that you should tip at least 20% so why doesn't it happen. I'm gonna have to blame this one on killer whales. Like everyone knows they don't actually kill, so why are they still named that? Same exact thing, people know they are supposed to tip 20% yet most don't. Fuck the people who named killer whales because now I get bad tips for it. And don't even try and say, "well maybe your not a good server" because everyone and their mothers knows I am.

2.)Being "in the weeds"- Now unless you've been a waiter/waitress before than there is no relation to this, but this may be the worst feeling in the entire world. Remember the feeling in your stomach that time you almost pooped your pants at that party because your fart was almost a little more than you bargained for? That is exactly how you feel when you are in the weeds. You are the busiest motherfucker on the planet and anyone who steps in your way could and probably will be murdered by you. And if anyone ever asks for dessert than you might as well go and kill yourself right now.

1.) Serving people that you know- Remember that kid that was in your 10th grade Biology class that you once had a way too in-depth conversation on hangnails for like 25 minutes. Well now you have to serve him and his entire family dinner while you awkwardly have to engage in conversation with him. Or remember that girl who caught you glancing at her tits and then you looked away immediately and never looked her in the eyes or thought about her since then. Well now you have to serve her and her new 34 year old lawyer boyfriend and even though her tits still look great, you know you could never actually sneak a peek. (but you do anyways)

And thats it. It is the worst job in the entire universe and those are the most substantial reasons why.
Honorable mentions:
-Having to sing Happy Birthday
-Needy tables
-Carrying trays
-Having to fake laugh at any joke customer says

Still the King of the Mountain: America, FUCK YEAH

A recent study published by the National Academy of Sciences and reported by NBC news shows that once again America is on top of all the other developed nations...in regards to STD transmission, obesity, and dying young. Oh I'm sorry NBC, is this supposed to be a bad thing? You want us to make improvements in the way we live our lives? FUCK THAT. I apologize for the fact that we know how to fucking rage.

All this study tells me is that we as Americans need to continue to do what we are doing. And that is obviously just keep doing whatever we want. You got herpes? Who gives a shit, pretty much everybody else has it too (except for me...I don't get laid....ladieeeees). Just assume the other person has it and you won't feel so bad about yourself. That's what all the cool kids do anyway. Wanna eat two baconators? Be my guest. This is AMERICA- you should eat 1.5 of those baconators and throw out the other half in front of the nearest homeless person. Flip them off while you're at it. Wanna know why? Because you are better than them (the only reason I say this is because the homeless don't have computers and thus can't read this...otherwise I'm a huge pussy).

Who wants to live to be 60 anyway? You ain't so tough diabetes. Getting a foot chopped off doesn't sound so bad. Gives me an excuse to do nothing but jerk off (pretty sure every blog written has referenced jerking off Mike..not a good look for us) and watch Maury* all day. Besides, I don't do calves and quads anyway. Upper body all day, bro.

*Watching the reaction on all the dudes faces when they realize they are the father sustains me. You can see the twinkle in their eye disappear when they come to grips with the fact their lives are over and now they have to be LaQuonda's baby daddy.

Pros and Cons of Not Being Able to Grow Facial Hair

Fuck you Brad, I didn't want to grow facial hair anyway

I get asked a lot, "Cam, you look like a total pussy due to your ineptitude at growing facial hair. What's it like?" Well to answer the question... it isn't all that bad. But, hey, not everybody has a chiseled jaw line with perfectly symmetrical features and beautiful blue (cerulean?....kinda gay that I know that color) eyeballs to distract from their pre-pubescent face like I do. Anyways, here is a pros and cons list that I have been able to compose due to my vast experience looking like an out-of-shape, wingless cherub:

PROS:

1) Time Saver: It's an obvious one. Shit, shower, shave. Without the shave. Gives me time to bake the toaster strudel in the morning (is that a euphemism for masturbation?....YES). Redefines my entire day. Now I don't have to worry about building a much more diminutive Fort Knox in my pants during my 8am.

2) Being Able to go to Chuck E. Cheese's: Apparently you need a kid if you are 18+ to get into Chuck E. Cheese's. So instead of having to swipe a dumpster baby off the street to get in, I can just stroll on up and tell the dude I'm an exceptionally tall 14 year old. Oh hey you Bear Grylls-looking douche, you can continue drinking wolf piss outside you childless fuck, I'm going to go inside and toss some 80 mph heaters at some toddlers in the ball pit*.

3) Shave your Head and Play the Pity Card: "Babyyyy girrlllllll, I have alopecia. It sucks, all the kids made fun of me in school." Then boom, before they even know it they are in Pity fuck city: Population you.

CONS:

1) Never Can Join a Biker Gang: You ever see a member of Hell's Angels without facial hair? Didn't think so. Even their women "groupies" have more decadent beards then I do.

2) Looking like a HUGE Pussy Stranded on a Deserted Island: Here's a hypothetical for you. You get stranded on a deserted island after a boat wreck. Two years later another ship comes along and encounters you. You have 3 chin hairs total. FUCK THAT. Your potential savior is probably sitting there thinking to himself, "This pussy is lying to me. No way he was here for two years. More like two hours." The dude probably would just think you are an attention seeking whore and would leave you on the island.

3) Getting Carded at a Rated R Movie while your Younger Brother doesn't: This happened to me relatively recently. Potentially up there as the worst thing that has ever happened in the history of the world EVER. Especially since the bitch that carded me graduated two years after I did. Not to mention the shit-eating smirk on my younger brothers face. The entire situation was almost as absurd as Mike thinking Ginny Weasley is attractive.

Yeah I guess she ain't bad if you want to bang Ronald McDonald, Mike.

4) Playoff Beard: I looked effeminate compared to all of my peers when the B's won the cup. It makes me secretly hope that the local teams lose early on so I don't feel emasculated.

*The ball pits at Chuck E. Cheese's are the definition of High Risk/ High Reward. You are either going to have a great time and throw some heaters at strangers kids, or you are going to end up getting AIDS because it is entirely comprised of plastic balls, toddler drool, and urine.

The Real Houses of Hogwarts Power Rankings

Alright, I love Cam and think he's hilarious but I dont think he's ever been more wrong on a subject than this. First off, you're actually only a nerd if you DIDN'T read the Harry Potter series. Like we were the prime target audience when the books started flying off the shelves. Let me just make it clear that if you didn't read Harry Potters or at least see the movies, then I don't think we can be friends. (Also anyone who didn't read the books should probably pretend this blog never happened) In saying that, here is the clear-cut power-ranking of the Hogwarts Houses.

1.)GRYFFINDOR: This is such an easy choice that it is almost unfair. Not only did they win the House Cup almost every year after Harry arrived, but they easily have the best mascot/color scheme. Put all the mascots out and have them fight and a lion easily destroys them all. Obviously, Harry was in this house so it has to be the best, but I think that even if you remove Harry from the conversation, Gryffindor still wins in a landslide. Hermoine and Ginny were the two hottest girls in Hogwarts and if you say differently than you're the worst type of person there is.* Oh yeah, and Harry totally saved the wizarding world by killing Voldemort and all of his horcruxes. NBD

2.)SLYTHERIN: This choice wasn't easy but Slytherin slithers (see what I did there) into the number 2 spot. Why? Because they were the enemy, and all good stories need a rival. Draco Malfoy is the epitome of a rival, and he played it well. Dude was so smooth with his slicked back white hair and his rich father who bought him everything he ever needed. By the way, have you seen the chicks in Slytherin? They are mysterious and dark, which is essentially the best thing you can ask for in a women and a lot of them also looked like girl versions of Draco with there petite bodies and blonde hair, so basically Slytherin was a poor man's Sweden.

3.)RAVENCLAW: I actually like Ravenclaw more than I do Slytherin, but I couldn't put them at number 2. They don't deserve it. Like, yeah they've got some cool members, like Luna Lovegood and Cho Chang (seriously, Rowling? Cool Asian name) but at the same time like how often were Ravenclaw's even necessary or worth mentioning. The only reason Lovegood was mentioned so much is that she was a sexy airhead, and I'm pretty sure her and Harry boned, but Rowling didn't put it in the book because it would stir up controversy. Anyway, Ravenclaw's are known to be smart, wise, and intellectual so in all honestly, I'd probably end up in Ravenclaw, but that doesn't put them any higher than number 3.

4.)HUFFLEPUFF: Like I have so many issues with Hufflepuff that it's almost unreal. Your mascot is a badger. COOL. When danger comes around, what are you going to do, dig a hole? (is that what badgers do?) And another thing, your name, it sounds like the three little pigs story. "I'll Hufflepuff your house down". Pretty sure thats how that story went. Okay, so one exception is Cedric Diggory who was in the Tri-wizard tournament with Harry and was pretty bad ass the whole time. But then he died, and returned as a vampire in the Twilight movies and now I can continue on hating Hufflepuff as much as a I ever did before.

*Ginny is easily the hottest chick at Hogwarts, regardless of what Cam says. I mean I know she was a ginger, but she was ridiculously smart/brave and was flawless on the Quidditch pitch.

PS- I'm gonna go cry myself to a nap now that I've devoted a half hour of my day to analyzing the houses of Hogwarts. And yet sometimes I wonder why girls aren't draped all over me...


CAM'S NOTE: What was definitely concluded here is that anybody who likes Hufflepuff should just go into their garage, turn their car on, rev the engine, and let the sweet carbon monoxide take you all the way down to Hell.

Drive-Thru Employees

This dude has won Employee of the Month for 2 years straight. Guaranteed.

     You know when people say you waste like 3% of your life waiting at a red light? Well I waste like 17% of my life waiting at drive-thru windows, which makes me the resident expert. On a bad week I'd say that I get drive-thru food at least 10 times. Why? Because I can't make any type of food for myself other than cereal and toast. (on a good day) By the way, I absolutely loathe the people that go into fast food restaurants only to go back home and eat it, like, what are you trying to prove? That your legs work? Well whoop dee doo basil, you've made your life 10x harder by going inside. Honestly, I'd rather sit in line at the drive-thru for 45 minutes than have to get out of my car and go inside and show my face to people. In my humble opinion drive-thrus are one of the top 5 things that make your life infinitely easier, and if you dont use them, you're a schmuck.

     So I'm sitting in the Dunkin Donuts drive-thru this morning, as I do every morning, and when I finally get up to the robot box where you place your order, I expect to hear the same excited voice that I always hear when I'm ordering. It is this man's voice that brings me to this Dunkin's instead of going to the one right near my house. People may say, "wow that sounds pretty gay" and all I have to say to them is well you've never heard his voice before. It's like the god damn Sirens from the Odyssey. One time I saw the man to which the voice belonged and he looked like the type of person who after his shift, went home, drank 3 bottles of Mountain Dew: Code Red, watched a ton of Hentai porn, played Skyrim for 5 hours, then gently fell asleep while eating Pizza Bagels. Yet, I would marry him on the spot for loving his job so much. This trip was different though because instead of the soothing man voice I get this unenthusiastic teenage girls voice. Wtf, right? She didn't even seem to care about my order. Like when I order my Medium French Vanilla Iced Coffee with regular cream and sugar, I want YOU to want to make it for me. Is that too much to ask?

     And here is where my problem lies, you have two jobs when you are a drive thru worker. 1.) Get the order right and 2.) Sound like you're not taking my order with a noose around your neck. Like if I ever was the manager of a fast food restaurant (and with my future psychology degree I won't rule anything out) I would immediately fire anyone who doesn't make it sound like they are interested sexually with the person whose order they are taking. Again, you may be thinking "wow that seems weird and totally unnecessary" and to you, I say, thats why you're not the manager. So this goes out to all of the fast food managers, if you have unenthusiastic drive-thru workers, just know that Mike Kennedy is not going to be venturing to your place of business, therefore, you are probably going to lose at least 100 dollars per week.

Nerd Alert: Harry Potter House Power Rankings

Yeah, I'm a fucking nerd. Sue me. Actually, don't do that because you probs won't get much. I have a crippling substance abuse problem that makes me hemorrhage money. My paychecks should just be forwarded towards ABC Liquor stores. But that is neither here nor there. Anywho, I recently saw a Harry Potter movie and it got me wondering. What does Cho Chang look like naked (never seen an Asian nude aside from in pixelated youjizz videos)? And more importantly, what house would I want to be a part of if I was a fairy boy...it led to some intense ruminating, but here it is, your surefire, indisputable power rankings of  the houses in Harry Potter.

1) Slytherin: Controversial choice, yes I am aware. Wahhhh, they are the bad guys, wahhhh they are mean to Harry. Well you know what? FUCK HARRY. That goody two shoes runs around Hogwarts like he owns the joint. You think I would appreciate that shit? Hell no. He would be my worst enemy in the entire place. Not to mention all the gingers in Gryffindor. Fucking disgusting. It would lead to me praying to the heavens the sorting hat put me in Slytherin just so I could stick it to that scar-faced four-eyes. Not to mention these Slytherin folk can kinda/sorta talk to snakes. It isn't a very practical ability, but god dammit do I think some of those serpents would make for better conversation than the assholes I talk to on a regular basis. Plus, the green and white color scheme would really make my luscious eyes pop.

2) Ravenclaw: Talons are pretty sweet. Luna Lovegood is all up in this house too. Who am I gonna spit hot fire at in Gryffindor? Ginny Weasley? I'd sooner drink bleach. Hermione is too much of a cleat (broomstick?) chaser for me to stand a chance with her anyway...fucking Victor Krum. Also, Ray Lewis killed a guy and got away with it. He has the power of the Raven, thus by the transitive property I think I would have the power to murder (and I hate everybody so it's probably a good thing I'm not a Ravenclaw) anybody I want without repercussion. 

3) Gryffindor: Alright, alright. Gryffindor is not last, even though I hate that nancy boy Harry. Having a lion for a logo is pretty sweet I guess. And I guess nancy boy is handy to have hanging around when that "Casper the Friendly Ghost" wannabe Voldemort comes back around.

4) Hufflepuff: Who in their right mind would want to be in Hufflepuff? All those kids are Steven Glansberg's, off in the corner eating pudding by themselves. Needless to say when I saw a kid IN REAL LIFE walking around with a Hufflepuff hoodie I was baffled. Why on Earth would that kid choose Hufflepuff? This kid is obviously a blooming psychopath. Even more concerning is the parents in this case. Why would they spend money on such apparel, especially in times of such economic uncertainty? I don't know what is more irresponsible, dropping a $60 spot on that sweatshirt or those parents having a child to begin with because they are most certainly unfit and irresponsible individuals who Darwin should have prevented from reproducing.

*Cho Chang: Real fucking creative name for an Asian character there, JK Rowling. Real fucking creative indeed.

PS- Anybody on the planet get sandbagged by cupid more than Harry Potter? Like dude, I hate you and everything, but you are literally Wizard Jesus. You can slay any poonani in Hogwarts and that is what you ultimately settle for? Ginny...really? It would be like Leo Dicaprio marrying Rhea Perlman (google her you ignoramuses). Slow your roll Harry, even I think you're better than that. 

Porn Parodies

Twenty bucks says this goat is cuter than her baby.

     Now obviously, the recent big news about Kim Kardashian is that she is pregnant with Kanye's baby, which is weird because I thought, being the ego-maniac he is,  Kanye only had sex with himself, but I digress. I actually couldn't care less about this marketing opportunity that is their child other than I can't wait until Kanye insists on naming the baby Kanye regardless of if it's a boy or a girl. The only reason I say Kardashian wont win worst mother of the century is because luckily she was born in a world with Casey Anthony and Snooki. But enough hating on Kimmy K because she has "done" a lot for the world we live in, even though I'm still trying to figure out exactly what that is.

     So the strangest thing happened earlier, I was watching porn, because I hadn't jerked off in like 3 hours, and I came across a video titled "Keeping up with the Kardassians" obviously being a play on words with the Kardashians tv show. Now what I dont understand is why there is a porn parody about Kim Kardashian. Like people do know that if they wanted to watch Kim Kardashian get taken to pound town, that its readily available at their fingertips, right?  So it's a blatant porn-o (do people still call them that) about a porn star, played by another porn star. It's pornception. Like I actually stopped punching at my dick to really think about it. So there I was, pants off, dick in hand really thinking hard about the rules and regulations of the porn industry and whether this was defamation of any kind. But then I came and all order was restored in the world.

     But this brings up another striking point with me, I'm so done with people getting famous for having rich dad's and then putting out a sex tape. Paris Hilton got famous for it, Kim Kardashian got famous for it. Like all I got for putting out a sex tape was confused phone calls from family members. I dont know maybe its just me but I'd rather see a semi-hot chick who can rock a blazer and knows what the word filibuster means, rather than a hot chick who nicknames a cock, blazer, and thinks the word filibuster has something to do with a threesome involving two dudes named Phil and Buster.

WTF is Colin Kaepernick?

As I sit here late on this quiet Wednesday eve pondering between writing this blog or spanking the serpent for the umpteenth time today, I couldn't help but think of the upcoming football games this weekend (why was I thinking about football when I was about to punish myself? Nobody knows, not even me). This got me to thinking about the San Francisco 49ers and their quarterback. No, not Alex Smith, who I am convinced can be outgunned by most Special Olympic shot putters. But Colin Kaepernick.

What in the fuck am I looking at here? Granted, in today's society race does not really mean much, but seriously..I just gotta know. Now obviously he is some sort of biracial messiah here to save the 49ers offense from being incredibly boring and predictable, but the question is what races comprise this mocha mixture of pure speed and raw arm strength? Any number of combinations seems possible with this pistol running, tortoise having motherfucker.

My honest prediction: he is half black, half muppet. And by half muppet, I don't mean that Jim Henson is his father. He is definitely the product of Scooter (that fuzzy parrot bitch at the top)and an African American individual. The question that this presents here: what fucking gender are muppets? Are they androgynous? Are they hermaphroditic? Who knows...I sure as hell don't. How the hell does Muppet-human relations work? Does the human stick it in the hand hole? That must mean all muppets are female, right? All I know is this: this particular blog has delved way too far into the intricacies of muppet sex for me NOT to be hot and bothered right now. Should've just cracked stick at the beginning and saved some time.

PS- Having a muppet dad would be the worst. Talk about having to teach yourself everything. Motherfuckers don't even know how to shave.

Monopoly Fucking Sucks

 

    What is your favorite board game? If you answered monopoly then I immediately hate you and your existence. Like, what is even the idea behind monopoly, to try and show you how the economy works? Fuck that noise. If I wanted to play a game where I handled money all day I would just become a real life bank teller and probably shoot my brains out.

     It's just not fair, automatically if you're playing with any Jewish people, you have zero percent chance of winning and thats not being rude or insensitive, that is just being real. Those stingy kids will keep all the money until they land on Boardwalk and you'll pay like half your cash when you land on it which is inevitable. Oh, and to get out of jail is nothing like the real world. Both die have to be rolled the same number? Get real. It should be like real life, where you can give a shit ton of money and you get out. (or just be a semi-celebrity) And what is the deal with the pieces to move around the board with. Oh, I have to chose be a boot or a wheelbarrow or an iron? How about I choose never to play this fucking game again. And have you EVER finished a game of monopoly before? If you answered yes to this then A.) you have way to much time on your hands or B.) you're a liar. The game would take like 3 days to complete to the end, which makes it a lot like "risk" without the invading other countries or being at all fun. Lastly, that top-hatted mother fucker can get off me. Like no one buys your schtick bro, take off your top hat and your Mens Warehouse suit, and get rid of your cane that you obviously don't need since your prancing about my game board without any problems. Even if that guy was my grandpa, I'd still hate him.

     However there is one good thing about monopoly that goes unnoticed. If you want to get to know a group of people more, then sit down and play monopoly with them. Whoever offers to be the banker is the most deceitful person in the group, hands down, and is going to try and cheat their way to victory. Next is the moron that buys Mediterranean Avenue or Baltic Avenue. These people are the people you never want to go into a business venture with, as they have no idea how anything fucking works. On the other hand, immediately discuss becoming best friends with anyone who buys the railroads. These people are two steps ahead of the game and not only should this person be your best friend, but you should honestly discuss becoming financial partners with this person, not only in the game, but in your life as well. Free Parking is welfare and that is all I have to say about that.
     And there it is folks, an analysis of the worst game in the entire world. Next time you're with your friends or family and someone says "lets play monopoly", do us all a favor and sew their lips shut so we can never hear their unconscionable ideas/thoughts.

P.S- There should totally be a "get out of jail free card" in real life. Like if you do a good deed for someone, then you get the card. I might bounce that one of Barry O. next time we're kicking it.

I Should Write a Blog

So this is what my life has finally come down to. I now get to sit down at a computer like this Asian business man, but instead of doing international business, I get to talk about how I hate most people. Since this is the inaugural post, I'll save some of the hatred for later. For now, all I can say is that this is going to be one of the best day-to-day reads that is out there. Together Cammy J and I will provide hilarious insight into basically everything that needs to be insighted. (is that a word?)