As I sit here late on this quiet Wednesday eve pondering between writing this blog or spanking the serpent for the umpteenth time today, I couldn't help but think of the upcoming football games this weekend (why was I thinking about football when I was about to punish myself? Nobody knows, not even me). This got me to thinking about the San Francisco 49ers and their quarterback. No, not Alex Smith, who I am convinced can be outgunned by most Special Olympic shot putters. But Colin Kaepernick.
What in the fuck am I looking at here? Granted, in today's society race does not really mean much, but seriously..I just gotta know. Now obviously he is some sort of biracial messiah here to save the 49ers offense from being incredibly boring and predictable, but the question is what races comprise this mocha mixture of pure speed and raw arm strength? Any number of combinations seems possible with this pistol running, tortoise having motherfucker.
My honest prediction: he is half black, half muppet. And by half muppet, I don't mean that Jim Henson is his father. He is definitely the product of Scooter (that fuzzy parrot bitch at the top)and an African American individual. The question that this presents here: what fucking gender are muppets? Are they androgynous? Are they hermaphroditic? Who knows...I sure as hell don't. How the hell does Muppet-human relations work? Does the human stick it in the hand hole? That must mean all muppets are female, right? All I know is this: this particular blog has delved way too far into the intricacies of muppet sex for me NOT to be hot and bothered right now. Should've just cracked stick at the beginning and saved some time.
PS- Having a muppet dad would be the worst. Talk about having to teach yourself everything. Motherfuckers don't even know how to shave.
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