Public Bathroom Talk: Potty Language

Dude on the left could really stand to do some plyometrics. Do a squat, lard ass

Ahhh public restrooms. A great place where an individual could potentially have their day absolutely ruined. Or made, depending on if you like fucking with people. Thinking of dudes peeing really got my creative juices flowing, so below lies a list of things to avoid doing (or you can do 'em to mess with people...doesn't phase me) while in a public facility:

1) Eye Contact: Make NONE. Head down, stare at your own dick. Keep that head fixed. Nobody likes a peeping Perry staring into the depths of their soul while trying to drain the serpent.

2) Talking: I hate it when people I know talk to me. I hate it when people I know talk to me in the bathroom. I really fucking hate it when people I don't know talk to me in the bathroom. There is a 0% chance I can piss the second somebody opens their trap. I just say fuck it and walk out.

If you really want to fuck with somebody, just combine the two rules above, completely ignore them, and whisper something cryptic under your breath. Something like "Nice" or "Atta boy". That dude that you talk to is not going to take a leak outside the comfort of his own locked bathroom for the rest of his life.

3) Spacing between Pelvis and Urinal: You get some real strange people who look like they are more or less grinding on the urinals. Bro, nobody is trying to look at your dick. Give the urinal some space, you're suffocating it. Conversely, there are those that look like they are knocking down three-pointers, standing about 10 feet from the urinal using their dick like a super soaker. Shit's weird. Just stand there like a normal dude and not give people front row tickets to the splash zone. Unless you stand like this, in which case do it every single time you are in a public bathroom:

<------this guy knows how to partayyyy (I don't even want to know how much stranger piss is on that right hand of his though)

4) Piss Accuracy: Surprisingly not a big deal. Every time somebody steps foot inside a public facility they ought to know they are probably going to be wading ankle deep in piss. Seriously, sometimes I feel like I need an arc to navigate through one of these public bad Larry's. It's just one of those things you grow to accept as you get older I suppose. Personally, I just close my eyes and let what happens happen. In other words, I just use the same strategy I'd use if I was ever cornered by a gang in a federal prison.

5) Hand Washing: If you wash your hands every time you go to the bathroom, I don't want to associate with you or know you for that matter. You're unnecessarily prolonging your public bathroom experience to wash off germs when you are about to put them back on your hands when you open the door to exit. Stupid. Moron. Idiot. In and out. No washing*

As for ladies, don't be stupid. Girls don't go to the bathroom. Grow up, Peter Pan. Count Chocula.

*Unless you ran out of toilet paper and wiped with your hand. But if you did that, there are a whole number of issues wrong with you that I don't even want to delve into, with #1 being the fact you shit in a public restroom. Psychopath.