What is your favorite board game? If you answered monopoly then I immediately hate you and your existence. Like, what is even the idea behind monopoly, to try and show you how the economy works? Fuck that noise. If I wanted to play a game where I handled money all day I would just become a real life bank teller and probably shoot my brains out.
It's just not fair, automatically if you're playing with any Jewish people, you have zero percent chance of winning and thats not being rude or insensitive, that is just being real. Those stingy kids will keep all the money until they land on Boardwalk and you'll pay like half your cash when you land on it which is inevitable. Oh, and to get out of jail is nothing like the real world. Both die have to be rolled the same number? Get real. It should be like real life, where you can give a shit ton of money and you get out. (or just be a semi-celebrity) And what is the deal with the pieces to move around the board with. Oh, I have to chose be a boot or a wheelbarrow or an iron? How about I choose never to play this fucking game again. And have you EVER finished a game of monopoly before? If you answered yes to this then A.) you have way to much time on your hands or B.) you're a liar. The game would take like 3 days to complete to the end, which makes it a lot like "risk" without the invading other countries or being at all fun. Lastly, that top-hatted mother fucker can get off me. Like no one buys your schtick bro, take off your top hat and your Mens Warehouse suit, and get rid of your cane that you obviously don't need since your prancing about my game board without any problems. Even if that guy was my grandpa, I'd still hate him.
However there is one good thing about monopoly that goes unnoticed. If you want to get to know a group of people more, then sit down and play monopoly with them. Whoever offers to be the banker is the most deceitful person in the group, hands down, and is going to try and cheat their way to victory. Next is the moron that buys Mediterranean Avenue or Baltic Avenue. These people are the people you never want to go into a business venture with, as they have no idea how anything fucking works. On the other hand, immediately discuss becoming best friends with anyone who buys the railroads. These people are two steps ahead of the game and not only should this person be your best friend, but you should honestly discuss becoming financial partners with this person, not only in the game, but in your life as well. Free Parking is welfare and that is all I have to say about that.
And there it is folks, an analysis of the worst game in the entire world. Next time you're with your friends or family and someone says "lets play monopoly", do us all a favor and sew their lips shut so we can never hear their unconscionable ideas/thoughts.
P.S- There should totally be a "get out of jail free card" in real life. Like if you do a good deed for someone, then you get the card. I might bounce that one of Barry O. next time we're kicking it.
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