Yeah, I'm a fucking nerd. Sue me. Actually, don't do that because you probs won't get much. I have a crippling substance abuse problem that makes me hemorrhage money. My paychecks should just be forwarded towards ABC Liquor stores. But that is neither here nor there. Anywho, I recently saw a Harry Potter movie and it got me wondering. What does Cho Chang look like naked (never seen an Asian nude aside from in pixelated youjizz videos)? And more importantly, what house would I want to be a part of if I was a fairy boy...it led to some intense ruminating, but here it is, your surefire, indisputable power rankings of the houses in Harry Potter.
1) Slytherin: Controversial choice, yes I am aware. Wahhhh, they are the bad guys, wahhhh they are mean to Harry. Well you know what? FUCK HARRY. That goody two shoes runs around Hogwarts like he owns the joint. You think I would appreciate that shit? Hell no. He would be my worst enemy in the entire place. Not to mention all the gingers in Gryffindor. Fucking disgusting. It would lead to me praying to the heavens the sorting hat put me in Slytherin just so I could stick it to that scar-faced four-eyes. Not to mention these Slytherin folk can kinda/sorta talk to snakes. It isn't a very practical ability, but god dammit do I think some of those serpents would make for better conversation than the assholes I talk to on a regular basis. Plus, the green and white color scheme would really make my luscious eyes pop.
2) Ravenclaw: Talons are pretty sweet. Luna Lovegood is all up in this house too. Who am I gonna spit hot fire at in Gryffindor? Ginny Weasley? I'd sooner drink bleach. Hermione is too much of a cleat (broomstick?) chaser for me to stand a chance with her anyway...fucking Victor Krum. Also, Ray Lewis killed a guy and got away with it. He has the power of the Raven, thus by the transitive property I think I would have the power to murder (and I hate everybody so it's probably a good thing I'm not a Ravenclaw) anybody I want without repercussion.
3) Gryffindor: Alright, alright. Gryffindor is not last, even though I hate that nancy boy Harry. Having a lion for a logo is pretty sweet I guess. And I guess nancy boy is handy to have hanging around when that "Casper the Friendly Ghost" wannabe Voldemort comes back around.
4) Hufflepuff: Who in their right mind would want to be in Hufflepuff? All those kids are Steven Glansberg's, off in the corner eating pudding by themselves. Needless to say when I saw a kid IN REAL LIFE walking around with a Hufflepuff hoodie I was baffled. Why on Earth would that kid choose Hufflepuff? This kid is obviously a blooming psychopath. Even more concerning is the parents in this case. Why would they spend money on such apparel, especially in times of such economic uncertainty? I don't know what is more irresponsible, dropping a $60 spot on that sweatshirt or those parents having a child to begin with because they are most certainly unfit and irresponsible individuals who Darwin should have prevented from reproducing.
*Cho Chang: Real fucking creative name for an Asian character there, JK Rowling. Real fucking creative indeed.
PS- Anybody on the planet get sandbagged by cupid more than Harry Potter? Like dude, I hate you and everything, but you are literally Wizard Jesus. You can slay any poonani in Hogwarts and that is what you ultimately settle for? Ginny...really? It would be like Leo Dicaprio marrying Rhea Perlman (google her you ignoramuses). Slow your roll Harry, even I think you're better than that.
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