First Dates

Is going on a first date the worst thing in the world? Yes. And as I sit here on a Friday night, just getting back from the worst job in the entire world, pondering why my only date tonight is with a few beers and six episodes of "Scrubs" I wonder why we go on first dates. Like girls are so weird, and the less you you know about them, the better. So why do guys still go on dates with them? Obviously to get laid. Well in this technological age we live in, going on dates is almost completely unnecessary. With Snapchat, and Twitter, and facebook, you can basically get to know this person better with 1 day of being technologically savvy, than to actually go on a date with this person. Story time: I started talking to this girl because she favorited all my tweets (can't blame her, I'm hilarious) and then we started texting and yeah we traded some tasteful nude snapchats back and forth. Perfect set up. First date included Taco Bell that she paid for (cue the part where people call me a scumbag) and a blowjob so yeah, I'd say it was pretty successful. But this was a best case scenario.

There are so many questions with the first date that it is almost criminal. Like, am I picking her up? What are we going to do? Do I have to meet her parents? Should I be wearing two pairs of socks so that my feet don't smell? Should I not bring up my inability to smell farts? (Explanation coming in a future blog) Is she at least going to give me a handjob? Should I try to fuck her? Answers to those questions are as followed. Always pick a girl up unless she has a cooler car than you, in which case, congrats on dating a rich girl. Always take a girl mini-golfing. Bitches love mini-golfing and in comparison to the size of the course, your dick looks huge. Always meet the parents. Being nice to the parents means that the girl will like you. SCIENCE. Always wear two pairs of socks for extra comfort and so they don't smell. I definitely bring up my inability to smell farts because its probably one of my better qualities. Hand jobs are for 6th graders and Taylor Swift's boyfriends. And yeah always fuck her, preferably on the mini golf course, after they close, underneath the waterfall. Because as much as bitches love mini-golf, they love waterfalls like 450% more.

One last tid-bit about first dates. I hate when girls ask all the obvious first date questions. What is your favorite movie? What is your favorite color? Do you like having 5 older sisters? What is your goal in life? Like hey toots, I'm not here to get to know you, I simply would like to know what you look like when your baking me cookies in the nude.

PS- Always beat the girl in mini-golf. Shows dominance. Isn't hard for me since my short game is NICE. Try and at least get 2 hole's in one's. (weird plurality for hole in one)

CAMS NOTE: First paragraph. Thinly veiled brag about getting a b-jibber on a first date. "I'm not one to toot my own horn, but toot fucking toot." Whatevs, I'm just jealous because my streak is dryer than the Sahara.