Pros and Cons of Not Being Able to Grow Facial Hair

Fuck you Brad, I didn't want to grow facial hair anyway

I get asked a lot, "Cam, you look like a total pussy due to your ineptitude at growing facial hair. What's it like?" Well to answer the question... it isn't all that bad. But, hey, not everybody has a chiseled jaw line with perfectly symmetrical features and beautiful blue (cerulean?....kinda gay that I know that color) eyeballs to distract from their pre-pubescent face like I do. Anyways, here is a pros and cons list that I have been able to compose due to my vast experience looking like an out-of-shape, wingless cherub:

PROS:

1) Time Saver: It's an obvious one. Shit, shower, shave. Without the shave. Gives me time to bake the toaster strudel in the morning (is that a euphemism for masturbation?....YES). Redefines my entire day. Now I don't have to worry about building a much more diminutive Fort Knox in my pants during my 8am.

2) Being Able to go to Chuck E. Cheese's: Apparently you need a kid if you are 18+ to get into Chuck E. Cheese's. So instead of having to swipe a dumpster baby off the street to get in, I can just stroll on up and tell the dude I'm an exceptionally tall 14 year old. Oh hey you Bear Grylls-looking douche, you can continue drinking wolf piss outside you childless fuck, I'm going to go inside and toss some 80 mph heaters at some toddlers in the ball pit*.

3) Shave your Head and Play the Pity Card: "Babyyyy girrlllllll, I have alopecia. It sucks, all the kids made fun of me in school." Then boom, before they even know it they are in Pity fuck city: Population you.

CONS:

1) Never Can Join a Biker Gang: You ever see a member of Hell's Angels without facial hair? Didn't think so. Even their women "groupies" have more decadent beards then I do.

2) Looking like a HUGE Pussy Stranded on a Deserted Island: Here's a hypothetical for you. You get stranded on a deserted island after a boat wreck. Two years later another ship comes along and encounters you. You have 3 chin hairs total. FUCK THAT. Your potential savior is probably sitting there thinking to himself, "This pussy is lying to me. No way he was here for two years. More like two hours." The dude probably would just think you are an attention seeking whore and would leave you on the island.

3) Getting Carded at a Rated R Movie while your Younger Brother doesn't: This happened to me relatively recently. Potentially up there as the worst thing that has ever happened in the history of the world EVER. Especially since the bitch that carded me graduated two years after I did. Not to mention the shit-eating smirk on my younger brothers face. The entire situation was almost as absurd as Mike thinking Ginny Weasley is attractive.

Yeah I guess she ain't bad if you want to bang Ronald McDonald, Mike.

4) Playoff Beard: I looked effeminate compared to all of my peers when the B's won the cup. It makes me secretly hope that the local teams lose early on so I don't feel emasculated.

*The ball pits at Chuck E. Cheese's are the definition of High Risk/ High Reward. You are either going to have a great time and throw some heaters at strangers kids, or you are going to end up getting AIDS because it is entirely comprised of plastic balls, toddler drool, and urine.