Midget on Rollerblades

You know what they say about small roller blades. ENORMOUS cock.

So out of the very few people who read this (jk, we actually have people from Germany reading this frequently...must be the subtle anti-semitism), some of you may know that I am an employee at a Play It Again Sports. Suffice it to say, I have had to deal with a handful of customers who have left quite an impression on my life. The customers at Play It Again are a lot like the people sitting in the Balcony at the TD Garden- they are trying to save some money and they are typically interesting characters. So tonight I will share with you these inspirational father figures I have encountered in my line of duty.

1) Midget on Rollerblades: A few years back, a midget came into the store looking for rollerblades. I'm not talking about a really short guy either...this guy was all of about 3 feet tall. The thought of this little feller scooting around his neighborhood (the Shire?) in children's rollerblades made me almost throw up from laughing too hard. I was surprised the fun-sized ball of energy didn't headbutt me in the sack. Anyway, this Peter Dinklage wannabe put the wheels on and went for a trip around the store. Some toddler looked like he had seen Santa Claus, or at the very least his very first black person (it is on the Cape after all). 

2) Homeless man trying to sell me a Bruce Lee calendar: Pretty much says it all. A guy came in with a calendar from the 80's and tried to sell it to me. Bro, this is a sporting goods store. We don't deal in used calendars. Although that does sound like an amazing business plan. Can't wait to open up my used calendar store...I'm sitting on a goldmine. I'll be seeing you poor folk in Greenwich. Catch you on the flip side.

3) Drunk guy trying to buy a baseball mitt: For starters, I got sandbagged with this guy by the manager. I could literally see him chortling (A+ vocab Cam. That's why your parents are paying for college) out of the corner of my eye. Anyway the best part of the story was this guy telling me he was Major League 2B Brian Roberts...to which I replied, "Uhhh, no you're fucking not. You are at the very least in your mid 50's and it looks like you have a vicious malt beverage problem." Although there is nothing wrong with that. Steel Reserve FTW. It also didn't help that he did not know whether or not he was a righty, but that was probably the least of that dudes issues at the time. 

4) "Break your fucking face" guy: This actually occurred Sunday, in our new location, the TJ Maxx parking lot. First things first, we are right next to a laundromat, and Mike's point is factually correct in that people who do their laundry their are either A) Mythical or B) Bat shit insane. Money has nothing to do with it. I'd sooner wash my draws in the sink. Anyways, this guy is clearly strung out on something to the point where he is shouting into his phone saying he "will kill you, bitch." At first I thought, "Yo calm down Slim Shady," and then I thought, "hmmm this guy seems to be an interesting character."Other pedestrians thought otherwise. Some lady came in and told me to call 911. Oh yeah, lady, I'm going to stick around and snitch on some guy yelling in public that he will break somebody's face. Sound like an A-OK way for me to be missing a few teeth by the end of the day. Bitch please, you got a cell phone. You call. Long story short, I thought some of my Mike and Ikes would cheer him up, but alas, he was gone faster than he appeared (i.e. probably hitting up Taco Bell like the rest of the poor drug addicts...and me....).

And if you did not like this particular blog, here is a guy dancing after finding out that he was not the father on Maury. Should spice it up a bit. I really like The Maury Shows....diversity....

PS- To Mike: In regards to you going to heaven for giving a little kid your tickets, don't count your chickens before they hatch. You still got this weekend to get through, buddy. Many a sin shall be committed (and yeah, that sounded a tad gay).