Top 3 Professions EVER

Sounds about right. At least he gets paid for it, unlike me.

I literally could not have less of a clue about what I want to be after college. So, being the unproductive son of a bitch that I am, I came up with some sweet ass jobs.

1) The Urine Collectors for Drug Tests of Sports Teams: What a sweet gig this must be. So many perks come with this job. The most obvious of which is that you get to meet athletes. The second most obvious is that you can see which athletes you size up to, no homo. Like, "Oh hey, you know Joe Flacco? My dick is twice his size (so 2 inches?)." Talking about an athletes wang at the bar gets you laid 100% of the time. Also, it would be very interesting to see which athletes get stage fright when they are being watched (and silently judged) while peeing. Zack Greinke almost definitely becomes anxiety ridden and has a mental breakdown. Tony Romo probably becomes erratic and starts pissing everywhere but the cup. YOU HAD ONE JOB TONY! Tom Brady on the other hand probably has a strong, accurate stream (Clear piss, full bladder, can't lose). Watching him pee would probably be the crowing achievement in my life. He exudes masculine excellence, Uggs or not.

2) Slangin' that Yay: Not even sure what it means. All I know is that it adds much needed street cred to our transparently caucasian blog. But in all seriousness, the only drawback to this is getting caught and sent to a Federal Pound-Me-In-The-Ass prison.

3) Whatever the hell Guy Fieri does: He pretty much goes around and eats amazing food all day. Fuck you, Guy. Sweet frosted tips bro, did you get the idea from the Backstreet Boys back in 1996? You look like a flamboyantly gay, obese chipmunk. One of these days you are going to keel over from all that shit you eat and I'm going to swoop in and take your job. Tick tock tick tock. There can only be one.

PS- All of you guys are probably like, "Cam you are so gay for writing piss collector and not saying male pornstar." Oh yeah? Being a male porn star would be fucking terrible. Chaffage for days from all the takes you have to do. Not to mention the porn star you are banging has likely done some really freaky midget porn as she was breaking into the "business". And to be frank with you, I want no part of Vern Troyer's sloppy seconds.

PPS- Just looked up Guy Fieri. His last name was originally Ferry. What a fucking poser. I'm coming for you Ferry Boy (double entendre. Oh, Cam, that's a ten.)