Unfamiliar Toilets

How I see every unfamiliar toilet.

Every day I take a leap of faith. I have to trust my body to hold all of my bathroom visits until I get home. And by bathroom visits, I don't mean peeing, because as a guy I'm pretty sure that other than an elementary school playground, we can pee anywhere. However, I have a serious phobia of pooping in places other my own home. And by phobia I mean that I've pooped at a total of like 5 different places in my 20 years of life. I'm not exactly sure if this is a common fear but all I know is that I've gotten weird looks from friends when I tell them that I have to leave to go home in order to go twosies, but don't worry, I'll come back over after. (most often, I'm not invited back. strange anomaly)

 And let me get this out of the way and say I have no issue talking about pooping. Like I hate people that are like "girls don't poop". Oh really? Well maybe we should be more scared of them because if they don't poop, but have no health complications than they are just a horde of robotic non-poopers sent here to kill us all.

There are just so many variables that could go wrong with pooping. What if I clog the toilet? What if the toilet paper is like sand paper and rashes my toosh? What if a killer whales will come out from the inside of the toilet? What if the door doesn't lock and my friend's MILF mom walks in on me doing my business. So many issues that I don't want to deal with. So that's why I only poop at home and I think anyone that poops at another person's home is borderline crazy.

Another thing that I will adress in this blog is my inability to smell farts. It's a curse that I've been burdened with for my whole life and it's just not fair. People always say, "Dude thats awesome. You're basically a superhero." What the fuck? I lost out on, like, half of my childhood because I couldn't be running around smelling farts with the other kids. (thats what kids do, right???) It just sucks because technically I could never be the supplier of farts. Why? Because science has proven that "whoever smelt it, dealt it" is a real thing. Anyways, if I was a girl, I would want to date me so fast because of this sweet trait of mine. You can walk around ripping silent farts right underneath my nose and I would still willingly have sex with you. So ladies, currently taking applications. Send emails to HugeDickButTakesItSlow69@ImAwesome.com

PS- Totally searched scary toilet on google for that image. People looking at my recent search on google have got to be somewhat concerned.