All my Mario Kart experience is about to be truly tested
So as I was driving today, I threw a banana peel out the window (que the 500 dollar fine for littering) and it really got me thinking, Mario Kart is kind of fraudulent because lets be real, a banana peel would not do any fucking real damage. And this led to a furious debate (in my own head) about all of the issues with Mario Kart. This will probably end up being a long blog so if you don't have any interest in Mario Kart then you may as well stop reading and you should reassess your life because Mario Kart is one of the greatest video games of all time. That last sentence is kind of contradictory to my whole premise here, but I digress. By the way, after reading this blog you may think I am the dumbest person you've ever met, and yeah that's probably true. "Why is he talking so much about Mario Kart?" "He goes to Community College, remember?"
Soo, those shells that you can throw at other carts, do US Special Forces know about those? The red ones track you down, fuck that, that is some serious terrorist shit. Like I'm 91% sure this is actually how we killed Bin Laden. But in all reality what would happen if a shell hit your car in real life? Absolutely nothing. And should we alert the MSPCA about all these turtle shells? They have to be coming from somewhere. I just picture Wario in some creepy dungeon just unshelling turtles so he could be a better driver. Okay, and when you get a mushroom, that makes you speed up? Thats confusing. I mean I've never eaten mushrooms before (Hi mom reading this) but I can't imagine them speeding you up at all. And the maps, are you serious? Rainbow Road can kind of go fuck itself because it takes like a half hour to finish that map. But goddamn do I want there to be a real Rainbow Road in real life. I'd drive the fuck out of that place. And true fact about me: I've never lost consecutive races in Mario Kart. That is the truest statement I've ever spoken.
Anyways, because I want to blow off homework a little more, here is a list of the characters that appear in Mario Kart and the human people who chose to use them.
CHARACTERS
Mario: Usually a solid choice. Usually someone who has a good head on their shoulders but doesn't flaunt it. My personal choice if you are only playing with the original 8.
Luigi: Only really creepy people choose Luigi. He's just a poor mans Mario and to me that doesn't make any sense. He literally is so jealous of Mario that he copied everything about him, even his moustache. Plus, green on a plumber doesn't really look good. Studies have proven that.
Princess Peach: Literally the worst type of people use Peach. They are the same girls that wear pink sports jerseys. Plus Peach reminds me of Taylor Swift for some reason and Mario better be getting more than just handjobs for rescuing her all the fucking time. Jesus Peach, be less independent.
Yoshi: In my findings, people who choose Yoshi are pretty normal people, almost the jokester of the group. They may never come in first place, but hey at least they aren't going backwards on the map. Usually about a 50/50 split with male and female player which is weird.
Toad: Is Toad a male or a female? If you choose Toad then I'm immediately questioning our friendship and you may be kicked out of my Mario Kart group.
Donkey Kong: Not a bad choice. Usually a kind of douche bag guy who is obsessed with creatine and going to the gym. But I never really understood his name as he's not a goddamn donkey.
Wario: A poor mans Luigi, which is really saying something. Hey Wario, lay off the sweets and maybe you wouldn't be weighing your cart down and you could actually win a race. Never played with someone who willingly chose Wario.
Bowser: The biggest douchebag chooses Bowser. This person thinks they are so cool, but no one in the group actually likes this person and everyone is kind of wondering how he/she got the invite to Mario Kart night.
Princess Daisy: If you are thinking about whether or not you like a girl and she chooses Princess Daisy, then you know immediately to wife her up. Not stuck up like Peach, plus I'm into brunettes.
Waluigi: My go to character. "Dude, he's so creepy" UHHH, are we talking about the same guy? This dude pulls out a rose as his celebration and as much as bitches love Mario Kart, they love roses even more. That is some romantic ass shit. And not to mention, Waluigi is aerodynamic as fuck, he's slender but also tall so that he overpowers everyone else. Waluigi for the motherfucking win.
FUCK THIS BLOG, I HAVE WAY TO MUCH TIME ON MY HANDS.
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