Deaf Dude gets Stabbed after his Sign Language gets Mistaken for a Gang Sign

"East Side nukka." Oh, it's a black hand? Racial profiling much, google images?

Yeah, I'm well aware that I am about two days late to the party with this story here, but I thought it was too interesting to pass up. Apparently some deaf dude was mid conversation (if you even want to call it that) when another guy came up and stabbed him. Of course, this all happened about 3 minutes from where I go to school with a bunch of preppy white kids, but I digress.

Anyways, the stabber in this case is getting a bad wrap. I'm 100% on his side. Deafy McDeafpants probably should try and avoid standing in another mans yard in Burlington, NC, which is potentially one of the more ghetto places I have ever been. There was 150% chance he was getting stabbed, regardless of whether or not he was making strange hand motions. 

The weirdest part about the story is that Police Sgt. Yancey has since come forth and said the stabber had no gang affiliation. Delicious twist there. Probably makes sense as to why he mistook "I'm doing super, how about yourself" for "Yo ese, toy soldier commish straight up loc cabron holmes" though.

The whole point of this blog is that Burlington is fucking insane. It is one of those rare places on Earth where you can combine pretentious college students, Earl from down the street who likes cooking crystal meth, and impoverished gangbangers without having the entire place break out in total anarchy.*

*Just kidding. It is total anarchy. Since I've been at Elon we have had a serial peeping tom/masturbator, a man robbing students with a shotgun wearing a Spiderman mask, 6 people with dreads beating somebody with a tire iron (kinda like the unity in the hair, though. Respect), and an 18 year old girl driving from Pennsylvania to murder her ex boyfriend. Hilarious. A little different from the Cape.

Role Playing

She has no idea how to use that syringe. 

If there is one thing in this world that I truly don't understand, it would have to be role playing. Not like LARPING, because everyone knows that shit is wayyyyyy beyond comprehension. But role playing in the place where the magic happens. Is MTV Cribs still on? Anyways, I just can't comprehend the likability of role playing. Never done it, never will. Like no, I don't want to see you dressed up as anything but yourself, because technically you are just putting more clothes on and thats confusing. All I want is to have my thirty seconds of glory and then roll over, fall asleep, and dream about pudding.

First of all, I don't understand why girls like to dress up like a teacher, or a nurse, or a firefighter. And second of all, do they have the credentials. Like if a girl dresses up like a teacher does she actually have to teach me something? Because I feel like the only things a girl who actually does role playing could teach is how to deep throat a banana and how to acquire STD's.

 And if a girl dresses up like a nurse, does she have to perform a physical on me? Is she licensed to do that? Because if I'm gonna be role playing with someone as a nurse, I want a real physical. Have sex with two birds with one stone. (I think that's the expression) Plus, nothing gets my mojo going like a girl cupping "my boys" and making me cough.

A firefighter is probably the most disconcerting though. Like do I actually have to start a fire for this girl to put out, because I don't think my mom would appreciate a fire inside the house. Is she properly trained to douse fires? I don't want to start this fire and have to put it out myself, because nothing gets me more flaccid than having to put out fires. True story.

I don't know. Maybe I'm missing out, but I don't think anything is sexy about me having to pretend to be a professor and a girl dressing up as a student and then me having sex with her. Like that HAS to break so many rules in the school's handbook and I don't know if I'm willing to risk my job as a professor to do that.

GPS Systems are so Cocky

Knight Rider? There's only one Knight Rider and that's the Hoff

What I am about to say is going to be controversial. Fuck technology. More specifically, fuck GPS systems. For starters, they are blood thirsty mini-robots that are slowly trying to eliminate the human race. NBD though. Just navigating people into a premature and watery grave is all.*

Not to mention the tone they take with you when you go in a wrong direction. Oh, really Karen (named my GPS Karen because the only Karen I know is a mega bitch), you want me to bang a U-ey in the middle of the freeway. Gotcha. How about you shut up and let me listen to my Aaron Carter CD in peace. At this point I'd rather be lost for a couple of hours than listen to Karen get all uppity with me. Condescension oozes out of that mechanical bitch. It's like, go home Karen, you can't even say "boulevard" correctly. Not to mention you say "route" like a fucking dunce. Randy Moss runs "rowts". I drive my shitbag car down "roots". Get it right and grow up, Karen.

*Not much hope for the human race when people are driving their cars into bodies of water like Michael Scott did. Did we really expect any differently from women drivers though? Reallllly? Women drivers, no survivors.

----Unrelated, but why in the hell do people turn down the volume of the radio when they are trying to find a location? Makes no sense, yet everybody including myself does it.

Did Lance Armstrong Roll Around in Radioactive Waste?

Dude looks like a pterodactyl 

 ESPN--"Lance Armstrong will admit to doping during his famed cycling career in an upcoming interview with Oprah Winfrey, according to USA Today Sports.

Armstrong

The newspaper cites a source who says that while Armstrong will confess, it is unlikely he will go into specific details.

The interview will tape Monday, but won't air until Thursday.

According to Winfrey's website on Tuesday, this will be a "no-holds-barred interview" with Armstrong, who was stripped of seven Tour de France titles. It will be the first with Armstrong since his cycling career crumbled under the weight of a massive report by the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency. The report detailed accusations of drug use by Armstrong and teammates on his U.S. Postal Service teams."

I despise when athletes or celebrities go on talk shows to admit to something that they've done wrong. Like newsflash Lance, everyone already knows you cheated your way to 7 Tour de Frances. No need to go on the Big O and probably tear up and pretend you regret doing it. Because you don't and to be honest, I dont really blame you. If the doc told me I had testicular cancer, I'd probably roll around in radioactive waste so I could become a super hero. "Mike, that doesn't actually work." Uhhh, yeah it does. When has it not worked? Anyways, back to Armstrong, it says that it is unlikely he will go into specific details. Sorry to break the news to you killer, but no one wants to know who shot you up with red blood cells in the back of a Mcdonalds parking lot.

This is such a blatant way for Armstrong to make another dollar and it makes me sick to my stomach. Like how much do bicyclists make anyways? Is it easy? Should I give it a go? But obviously, Lance Armstrong is gonna go on Oprah and then he's gonna co-write a book about his life and then some idiot in Hollywood will make a movie about him and it'll obviously suck, but hey, it's more coin in his pocket. And I mean he's not the worst guy in the entire world, all he did was lie to the whole world and illegally win championships that he doesn't deserve and wear stupid looking helmets. LIVESTRONG BRO.

PS- For some strange reason, I always used to get Lance Armstrong and Lance Bass confused. Those two guys couldn't be more different.

First Dates

Is going on a first date the worst thing in the world? Yes. And as I sit here on a Friday night, just getting back from the worst job in the entire world, pondering why my only date tonight is with a few beers and six episodes of "Scrubs" I wonder why we go on first dates. Like girls are so weird, and the less you you know about them, the better. So why do guys still go on dates with them? Obviously to get laid. Well in this technological age we live in, going on dates is almost completely unnecessary. With Snapchat, and Twitter, and facebook, you can basically get to know this person better with 1 day of being technologically savvy, than to actually go on a date with this person. Story time: I started talking to this girl because she favorited all my tweets (can't blame her, I'm hilarious) and then we started texting and yeah we traded some tasteful nude snapchats back and forth. Perfect set up. First date included Taco Bell that she paid for (cue the part where people call me a scumbag) and a blowjob so yeah, I'd say it was pretty successful. But this was a best case scenario.

There are so many questions with the first date that it is almost criminal. Like, am I picking her up? What are we going to do? Do I have to meet her parents? Should I be wearing two pairs of socks so that my feet don't smell? Should I not bring up my inability to smell farts? (Explanation coming in a future blog) Is she at least going to give me a handjob? Should I try to fuck her? Answers to those questions are as followed. Always pick a girl up unless she has a cooler car than you, in which case, congrats on dating a rich girl. Always take a girl mini-golfing. Bitches love mini-golfing and in comparison to the size of the course, your dick looks huge. Always meet the parents. Being nice to the parents means that the girl will like you. SCIENCE. Always wear two pairs of socks for extra comfort and so they don't smell. I definitely bring up my inability to smell farts because its probably one of my better qualities. Hand jobs are for 6th graders and Taylor Swift's boyfriends. And yeah always fuck her, preferably on the mini golf course, after they close, underneath the waterfall. Because as much as bitches love mini-golf, they love waterfalls like 450% more.

One last tid-bit about first dates. I hate when girls ask all the obvious first date questions. What is your favorite movie? What is your favorite color? Do you like having 5 older sisters? What is your goal in life? Like hey toots, I'm not here to get to know you, I simply would like to know what you look like when your baking me cookies in the nude.

PS- Always beat the girl in mini-golf. Shows dominance. Isn't hard for me since my short game is NICE. Try and at least get 2 hole's in one's. (weird plurality for hole in one)

CAMS NOTE: First paragraph. Thinly veiled brag about getting a b-jibber on a first date. "I'm not one to toot my own horn, but toot fucking toot." Whatevs, I'm just jealous because my streak is dryer than the Sahara.

The Flu Problem

Schnoz for days. Invest in some Nyquil, brochacho

So it's halftime of the Celtics game, and two things have come to my attention:

1) The poor round eyes on the Celtics couldn't hold Jeremy Lin down.

2) This flu "problem" is really fucking annoying. It's all I've heard about for the last three days. "Blah, blah, blah get a flu shot. You'll be sorry." My grandmother all up in arms about CVS running out of the vaccine. Serves her right for calling me dumb. Who's "stupid" now, Grandma? Probably should have gone a bit earlier than January if you valued your life so much. PS- I ain't watching your dog if you croak. He sucks.

All of this would sound incredibly harsh if the vaccine actually did anything. But this year it isn't quite as effective as it has been in past years. The CDC has come out and said it has been about 62% effective. Fat fucking chance that I am getting off my ass to go to my nearest Rite Aid* so some stranger (who is probably just a Rite Aid employee in a lab coat. Real clever them folk are) can stick me in the arm with a needle for a vaccine that probably won't work. And look at the title of the CNN article- "Had a Flu Shot?- You'll be OK...Maybe." It's like they are taunting old people about their very, very real mortality. Kind of hilarious coming from a major news source. Referring back to Lin, the headline creator must be the same asshole who made the "Chink in the Armor" title for ESPN last year. That dude can write for The Paper Toss anytime. 

In conclusion, people are freaking out about this flu because people are dying. It's all old people though, so like, who cares? (100% chance I get the flu and die within the next fortnight)

*Rite Aid: aka Hillbilly CVS aka White Trash Walgreens. 

Sweet Shot there Tubby

When did Kevin James start playing basketball?

Looks like Kyle Korver has been going to McDonald's a helluva whole lot. So everybody and their mother has been talking about this athletic specimen doing his best Reggie Miller impression. GREAT STORY, AWESOME SHOT THERE CHAMP! It's nice kid, because now you won't be bullied for, like, a full week! Then everybody will remember that you have a rack remarkably similar to that of Kate Upton's and order will be restored in the sociosphere (not a word, but it totally is now. Bookmark this blog, Merriam-Webster*).

But seriously, I remember what it's like to peak in 6th grade. It's fucking miserable. I'm sure it's nice now, but just remember it's all downhill from here fatty. 

More noteworthy than Chair Crusher getting lucky from distance occurs at around the :20 second mark. #34, or as I am going to refer to him, "The Truth", completely big times his own teammate. Way to leave him hanging bro. More awkward than Wally Szczerbiak throwing 5 in the stink of LeBron a couple years back. I will say this about "The Truth"- great chest pass dime, man. White boy fundamentals for the win.

PS- Hey Sweat Hawg- wearing a thick undershirt doesn't hide your cleavage.

PPS- Fuck, I'm out of shape. Don't throw stones in a glass house I guess.

*Cam: Comedian, Student, Word Innovator? Triple threat indeed.