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Why am I even writing anything? One for the thumb

I Have A Trillion Dollar Brain

Listen, I'm not writing this blog because I want attention, ( I do but that's beside the point) it's just that every once in a while, my brain synapses fire quicker and beterer than anyone else's. For example, I invented double decker couches way before the Lego Movie was a thought in anyone's mind. I created thought up a grocery store where you click on what you need on a touchpad and a little cart automatically takes you to where those things are. I made Tim Tebow an offer he couldn't refuse.

But now, it's my biggest and best idea yet. A BEARer of bad news that is an actual bear. Yup, this is the idea that I will live off for the foreseeable future. Hear me out.

*Ding-Dong*

"Honey, who could that be? We weren't expecting any visitors?"

*Opens door to find large, yet docile bear holding an envelope and looking somber*

"Oh my goodness, it's a bear! I love bears!"

*Reads card that says that your Aunt Janice passed away*

"Ahhh, who the fuck cares, she was a bitch anyway. Look at this adorable bear!!!"



See, genius. Just have to work out a few kinks*







*Mostly just worried about the bears attacking humans

Look At This Panda Having Fun

Tian Tian here is having the time of his life. It's like when you got a snow day when you were in elementary school and all you wanted to do was literally roll around in the snow and didn't have a care in the world. Meanwhile, now that I'm older snow has become a hassle. I have to shovel (I haven't yet, instead I played NCAA Football 2014 all morning because I'm and adult who makes his own decisions) and I have to worry about how I'm going to get my car out of my driveway to drive it to work just for them to close early and make me drive back home.



I wish I was a panda.

Chandler Jones and how Goodell is still a Weasel

Well by now I assume we all know about Chandler Jones' bye weekend that maybe a little bit too turnt. I'm not going to spend a lot of time being over dramatic about this story like the media has been to this point- he's a dummy for smoking synthetic marijuana for sure, but I'm not naive enough to think the players don't smoke throughout the season. On top of that he was at practice bright and early the next day missing absolutely zero time as a result. He basically had his very own Super Troopers moment- whatever, it happens to the best of us.

This incident does, however, highlight some of the problems with the drug policy the league has currently. With the NFL having the strictest marijuana policy of the major 4 sports they are essentially driving their players to an exponentially more dangerous "legal" alternative. It's just funny to see a league that constantly talks about having the players best interests in mind constantly do shit that completely contradicts that notion. Textbook Rog though. Wouldn't shock me if he wants the players to smoke spice and go on trippy escapades throughout town- keeps the league in the headlines. Any publicity is good publicity. Such a snake in the grass.

Live look at Roger:

Live look at me:

 

National Pastime National Treasure of the Week: Eric Byrnes

   "I'm here to hustle my dick off and get chicks, and I've already gotten with all the chicks"


I'm gonna try and do a weekly post where I put the magnifying glass on a figure in baseball who exemplifies what it is to be a National Pastime National Treasure ™ and who better to start with than the Man, the Myth, the Legend himself- Eric Byrnes.

Now I know what you're thinking- "Cam, you don't blog for 3 years and when you finally decide to return and grace us with your presence you write about Eric Byrnes? WTF?" You know what I say to that? I SHOULD HAVE DONE IT SOONER! The guy always seemed to have a bit of a screw loose during his playing days but ever since he retired a handful of years ago he has really seemed to turn it up a notch. He is a true wild card who wouldn't let a little thing like getting released by a major league team deter him from going to tater town- on the contrary, he'll just join a local beer league softball team the next day.

But it stretches even beyond that to his job as an analyst for MLB Network today. If you think the guy was a loose cannon in his playing days you should take a look at him now. The guy delivers his insight and opinions in a frenetic way in which only he can do:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UDKC_fOSbUo

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SDWYYDqkXR8



He couldn't go less than 110% if his life depended on it. He's basically Crank in real life, the sports version of Jim Cramer (sweet references 7 people are gonna get, Cam). A ferret on cocaine. He simply can't stop, won't stop. It's only a matter of time before the guy gets an even bigger platform because his enthusiasm is absolutely contagious and I for one cannot wait.

Mel Kiper Jr. Releases His 2025 Big Board

I somehow convinced Mel Kiper Jr. to give The Paper Toss the exclusive rights to the top 5 athletes on his 2025 Big Board. So here they are:


1.) Danny Brock- QB-Westwood Middle School -12 years old, 5 feet 2 inches, 110 pounds

The intangibles for this kid are off the charts. Not to mention his height and weight are far superior to all of his classmates. Has a cannon for an arm and can throw the ball up to 35 yards in the air! Some NFL teams are worried, however, that he is playing too much dodgeball in gym class, and are currently seeking out the gym teacher to see if they can play a less dangerous game every week. Either way, Danny is destined to be the face of an NFL franchise.

NFL comparison:Tom Brady, Peyton Manning 5 years ago, Carson Palmer

2.)Irving Flores - DT Somerset Charter School- 13 years old, 5 feet 6 inches, 160 pounds

The natural ability for this kid is incredible. Physically, this kid is a freak. He explodes off the line for someone his size, at his age. Upside is incredible, however, some scouts are concerned that his weight simply comes from Oreos rather than X's and O's folks. He hardly spends any time in the gym, so some are concerned that when other people catch up to his size and weight, that he will plateau. His on field productivity is why I have him this high on my Big Board.

NFL comparison: Vince Wilfork, Other Fat Men

3. Joey Campbell - WR- White Mountain School- 12 years old, 4 feet 7 inches, 95 pounds

Although undersized, Joey is a real gym rat. His football IQ is through the roof and his deceptive athleticism comes through on the field. He is a real coaches son, and loves running those underneath routes. The quarterback and him always seem to be on the same page, and the qb always knows where he is going to be. He is a captain on and off the field where he has made the honor roll 6 straight terms and his mom has a "My son is an honor roll student at White Mountain School" sticker on her mini van. You're just as likely to find his nose in a school book, as a playbook. Many scouts/dads said that he's the kind of kid you want your daughter to date.

NFL Comparison: Julian Edelman, Wes Welker, Brandon Stokley, Joe Jurevicius, Cole Beasley

4.) Kelly Sharp- QB- Northview Middle School- 13 years old, 5 feet, 110 pounds

Kelly Sharp is one of the more controversial picks in the "draft that wont happen for another 10 years." He seems like a no brainer while leading his team to a state championship the first two years playing football. However, Sharp's heart seems to be in playing baseball, where he lead his team to three straight Little League championships, all while leading the league in home runs and shutouts. He is a type of guy that cares more about championCHIPS, than potato CHIPS, in my opinion. It's too bad he only has 8 more years to decide which sport he would like to play at the professional level. Scouts will say they like his versatility in playing two sports but are concerned that he may choose to play the national past time over the sport that won't exist ten years from now because of the rather huge concussion issue that may ruin the NFL forever but no one seems to be really talking about it. (The NFL made me cross that last part out)

NFL Comparison- Drew Stanton, Brandon Weeden, Colin Kaepernick

5.) Orlando Cannon- CB- Clear Lake Middle School- 12 years old. 4 feet 11 inches, 105 pounds

Orlando Cannon has all the talent on the field but off the field concerns seem to be deterring NFL teams from choosing him ten years from now. He has served two in school suspensions, including one for stuffing some nerd in a locker. He also was caught running an illegal lunch trading scheme in which he ended up with everyone's lunch money without anyone finding out. On the field however, he is someone that can really change the game. His dad played in the NFL for 12 years, and it seems that his son has gotten all of his on field instincts. It is too early to tell if he will be able to get his act together over the next ten years before he makes it into the NFL. I mean he's 12 years old, when I was 12 years old I was worried about where I was going to masturbate next, wait is my mic still on?

NFL Comparison- Michael Vick, somehow

And there you have it. Once again, I wanna say thanks to Mel Kiper Jr. for letting The Paper Toss be the first place he came to, in order to release his 2025 Big Board.

Website I've Definitely Never Heard of, Naughty America, Introduces Virtual Reality Porn

I'll link to the post because I don't feel like posting the whole thing here, but it was interesting to read. Now the porn industry has been saying that virtual reality is the next big thing for porn. Well count me out. Now before you get your pitchforks out and try to kill me, hear me out.

I'm all about things being realistic. And I, in my heart of hearts, know there is a zero percent chance that I could be having sex with a porn star. It's the same reason you don't see me playing quarterback for some NFL team this weekend. It just is not realistic. Virtual reality porn would almost depress me. I would sit in my room with my headset on and just be sad because I know that this could never be real life. And believe me, I've seen enough sci-fi movies (one) to know that once you start introducing better lives on virtual reality headsets, you never take them off and you never leave you're room and become a disgusting hermit. Not that I'm worried about that or anything...

The reality is, no matter how "realistic" it seems, it just could never be true. Even if the virtual porn star was dirty talking to me and telling me it was real, I couldn't go through with it. For me, dirty talk is like being that kid in little league who's dad was a coach, but only played 3 innings a game in right field and only got one at bat a game, but since his dad was a coach you had to cheer for him as if he could somehow get a hit. He(I) knows he (I'm) isn't the best and no matter how hard his teammates (girl I somehow seduced) told him (me) that he (I) could do it, he (I) is really hoping just to somehow get hit by a pitch (euphemism for lasting longer than 2 minutes)