Is this the Hottest Girl in the World?

YES. So these DirecTV commercials are the hottest thing on tv right now. And that is coming from me. I watch like 24 hours of tv everyday. No joke. And every time these commercials comes on, it's boner city. Population: Me. So doing some investigative journalism (google) I found out that her name is Hannah Davis aka Derek Jeters side-piece aka next years Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue covergirl. So yeah she's sort of a big deal. And I know what you are thinking, "Mike, I thought you are married to Jennifer Lawrence?" Well yeah I am, but she understands that I have needs to stare at hot girls on the tv and then blog about them. Follow her on twitter here so you can cyber stalk her like I do.

Manti Te'No Girlfriend

via barstoolsports.com

Hey Mike, sweet title. Oh, thanks, I'm hilarious. Now obviously this story broke yesterday and I'm a little late to the party, but I was off winning 165 tickets in the arcade and getting married to Jennifer Lawrence. But this whole story is ridiculous. Now, "Catfish" guy Nev Schulman is tweeting at Te'o telling him that he wants to get together with him and help him figure this out. This is just an elongated new episode of Punk'd right?

I'm so confused because all over Sportscenter, everyone is asking how his draft stock has fallen because of this story. Am I missing something? Is there a new evaluation at the NFL combine? "Okay so first you will run the 40 yard dash, then you will do your vertical leap test, then your going to talk to someone and you have to tell us if she is real or fake." Like the dude is still a great middle linebacker and will probably go on to have a great NFL career. Just because he doesn't date real chicks doesn't mean that he isn't a great player. GM Mike Kennedy sounds about right.

Anyways, I kind of think Te'o had the right idea here. Fake girlfriends are the best girlfriends. Like you don't have to hang out with them and watch "Pretty Little Liars" and you dont have to buy them things. And yeah, the whole fake dying of leukemia thing is pretty sketchy but whatever. By the way, the fake girl friend's name is Lennay Kekua. Phonetically sounds like leukemia. BOOM.

Lance Armstrong got away realllll easy btw. Hey Oprah, you think you could fit in Manti Te'o sometime this week? Fake dead girlfriend is apparently more interesting than Armstrong admitting things that we already knew. Go figure.

PS- Te'o is a gay guy, right? That's what I'm surmising.

Midget on Rollerblades

You know what they say about small roller blades. ENORMOUS cock.

So out of the very few people who read this (jk, we actually have people from Germany reading this frequently...must be the subtle anti-semitism), some of you may know that I am an employee at a Play It Again Sports. Suffice it to say, I have had to deal with a handful of customers who have left quite an impression on my life. The customers at Play It Again are a lot like the people sitting in the Balcony at the TD Garden- they are trying to save some money and they are typically interesting characters. So tonight I will share with you these inspirational father figures I have encountered in my line of duty.

1) Midget on Rollerblades: A few years back, a midget came into the store looking for rollerblades. I'm not talking about a really short guy either...this guy was all of about 3 feet tall. The thought of this little feller scooting around his neighborhood (the Shire?) in children's rollerblades made me almost throw up from laughing too hard. I was surprised the fun-sized ball of energy didn't headbutt me in the sack. Anyway, this Peter Dinklage wannabe put the wheels on and went for a trip around the store. Some toddler looked like he had seen Santa Claus, or at the very least his very first black person (it is on the Cape after all). 

2) Homeless man trying to sell me a Bruce Lee calendar: Pretty much says it all. A guy came in with a calendar from the 80's and tried to sell it to me. Bro, this is a sporting goods store. We don't deal in used calendars. Although that does sound like an amazing business plan. Can't wait to open up my used calendar store...I'm sitting on a goldmine. I'll be seeing you poor folk in Greenwich. Catch you on the flip side.

3) Drunk guy trying to buy a baseball mitt: For starters, I got sandbagged with this guy by the manager. I could literally see him chortling (A+ vocab Cam. That's why your parents are paying for college) out of the corner of my eye. Anyway the best part of the story was this guy telling me he was Major League 2B Brian Roberts...to which I replied, "Uhhh, no you're fucking not. You are at the very least in your mid 50's and it looks like you have a vicious malt beverage problem." Although there is nothing wrong with that. Steel Reserve FTW. It also didn't help that he did not know whether or not he was a righty, but that was probably the least of that dudes issues at the time. 

4) "Break your fucking face" guy: This actually occurred Sunday, in our new location, the TJ Maxx parking lot. First things first, we are right next to a laundromat, and Mike's point is factually correct in that people who do their laundry their are either A) Mythical or B) Bat shit insane. Money has nothing to do with it. I'd sooner wash my draws in the sink. Anyways, this guy is clearly strung out on something to the point where he is shouting into his phone saying he "will kill you, bitch." At first I thought, "Yo calm down Slim Shady," and then I thought, "hmmm this guy seems to be an interesting character."Other pedestrians thought otherwise. Some lady came in and told me to call 911. Oh yeah, lady, I'm going to stick around and snitch on some guy yelling in public that he will break somebody's face. Sound like an A-OK way for me to be missing a few teeth by the end of the day. Bitch please, you got a cell phone. You call. Long story short, I thought some of my Mike and Ikes would cheer him up, but alas, he was gone faster than he appeared (i.e. probably hitting up Taco Bell like the rest of the poor drug addicts...and me....).

And if you did not like this particular blog, here is a guy dancing after finding out that he was not the father on Maury. Should spice it up a bit. I really like The Maury Shows....diversity....

PS- To Mike: In regards to you going to heaven for giving a little kid your tickets, don't count your chickens before they hatch. You still got this weekend to get through, buddy. Many a sin shall be committed (and yeah, that sounded a tad gay).

So I Think Jennifer Lawrence and I are Married Now

Hey babe.

So I just got back from seeing "Silver Linings Playbook" and it was a great movie. But the more important thing is the moment Jennifer Lawrence and I shared together. First of all, J-Law absolutely killed it in this movie, like if I didn't already love her before the movie, I would have loved her after seeing this movie. Anyways, remember the first time you tasted your favorite candy bar, or the time that  snowflake landed perfectly on your nose? Well that is how I felt when I saw Jennifer Lawrence. So yeah, we are basically married now. So Jenn, babe, if you see this and want to kind of keep it low key then just text me, but I doubt you will feel that way since you know what makes me happy.

Side note--- There was an arcade at the movie theatre and we stopped in there real quick, and guess what? I won the cyclone jackpot once again. Pure reaction time. This time the ticket total was only 165 but still, thats a decent chunk of change. What did I buy with my tickets this time? I gave them to a small child running around the arcade. Good fucking samaritan. See you in heaven Jesus.

Tom Cruise signs 1,000,000,000 Year Contract with Scientology

We'll see who's stupid when the aliens come and melt your face off your face (still probably him...)

Tom Cruise, you crazy. For some reason I get the feeling that he will not outlive this deal unfortunately. Scientology really got screwed over here. Scott Boras must have been his agent, because getting that contract for a guy of Cruise's age and mental status is quite the haul. I wonder if Scientology offered only a million year contract first? Tom must have taken that as a slap in the face. Who wouldn't? GTFO of here Scientology. Little fish trying to swim with the big sharks at the negotiation table. 

I mean, he obviously locked down this billion year contract for his portrayal of himself in Austin Powers: Goldmember. That much we know. But I wonder if Scientology tried to include a club option for the billionth year for that abortion of a movie he called Knight and Day. Thank the lord he eventually signed the deal though. We really need him to fight those aliens. And if he battles those aliens as valiantly as he battles his homosexual urges, then we will be just fine in the end.*

* I wonder if the Scientologists know that the roles he plays in his movies like Mission Impossible are completely fictional. They have to, right? Because in reality, he is a twice divorced dwarf who takes crazy pills. Not exactly who I want defending the human race from "thetans" or whatever the hell Scientology is about. 

Him and Travolta should just bone and get it over with. It's 2013 bro, nobody cares if you're gay. Except the South, Republicans, Jesus Freaks, Mormons, Muslims, and ...fuck it. A lot of people care, but not the sane Americans.

                                         

Unfamiliar Toilets

How I see every unfamiliar toilet.

Every day I take a leap of faith. I have to trust my body to hold all of my bathroom visits until I get home. And by bathroom visits, I don't mean peeing, because as a guy I'm pretty sure that other than an elementary school playground, we can pee anywhere. However, I have a serious phobia of pooping in places other my own home. And by phobia I mean that I've pooped at a total of like 5 different places in my 20 years of life. I'm not exactly sure if this is a common fear but all I know is that I've gotten weird looks from friends when I tell them that I have to leave to go home in order to go twosies, but don't worry, I'll come back over after. (most often, I'm not invited back. strange anomaly)

 And let me get this out of the way and say I have no issue talking about pooping. Like I hate people that are like "girls don't poop". Oh really? Well maybe we should be more scared of them because if they don't poop, but have no health complications than they are just a horde of robotic non-poopers sent here to kill us all.

There are just so many variables that could go wrong with pooping. What if I clog the toilet? What if the toilet paper is like sand paper and rashes my toosh? What if a killer whales will come out from the inside of the toilet? What if the door doesn't lock and my friend's MILF mom walks in on me doing my business. So many issues that I don't want to deal with. So that's why I only poop at home and I think anyone that poops at another person's home is borderline crazy.

Another thing that I will adress in this blog is my inability to smell farts. It's a curse that I've been burdened with for my whole life and it's just not fair. People always say, "Dude thats awesome. You're basically a superhero." What the fuck? I lost out on, like, half of my childhood because I couldn't be running around smelling farts with the other kids. (thats what kids do, right???) It just sucks because technically I could never be the supplier of farts. Why? Because science has proven that "whoever smelt it, dealt it" is a real thing. Anyways, if I was a girl, I would want to date me so fast because of this sweet trait of mine. You can walk around ripping silent farts right underneath my nose and I would still willingly have sex with you. So ladies, currently taking applications. Send emails to HugeDickButTakesItSlow69@ImAwesome.com

PS- Totally searched scary toilet on google for that image. People looking at my recent search on google have got to be somewhat concerned.

Shameless plug of Verve #NoShameTuesdays

Orange and delicious, are you feeling nutritious? (side note: I should be a rapper)

It's not very often that I am going to be candid on this blog, but this opportunity is simply too good for me to stop from sharing with you. There is this energy drink going around a lot of different college campuses that provide students like myself and many others the chance to make some quick and relatively painless cash. A friend of mine has already made approximately 3k in his first month in the company. Pretty decent chunk of change. Of course an investment is required in the beginning, but they send you boxes (and I mean BOXES) of this delicious, healthy Red Bull alternative coupled with the opportunity to make some ca$h.  

As for the drink itself, I personally think its 1000x better than Red Bull. Not to mention it really does the job. I'm pretty sure I dunked last time I drank one (don't quote me on that, I blacked out). To quote a literary scholar/fashionista/blogging colleague of mine, "I think I can hear colors." Sounds like a fucking party to me. A nice little mix with some vodka never hurt anyone, either. As a matter of fact, it's like a healthy 4loko. That way you won't be hitting a wall at 1am when you are trying to getcho swerve on in da club. If you have any interest in this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, just hit me up on my email, cjunkin@elon.edu. 

As for #NoShameTuesdays, it is a great tradition in the life of Cam that I treasure immensely. Essentially you just go around doing whatever you want with no remorse whatsoever. Want to blackout and take a dip in the fountain outside the Marriott Hotel? Be my guest, and have no shame. Want to laugh at people as they walk by you on a park bench just to fuck with them (the insecure ones are hilarious)? Ruin their day, and don't even think about feeling bad about it. Want to shamelessly plug a delicious energy drink on a comedy blog? Hell yeah, I do. Just did. But that's what seperates me from you, I don't know how to spell seperate and I am a motherfucking go-getter. #noshameTuesdays

But seriously, its a solid product sponsored by the Phoenix Suns. NBD but KBD.

PS- my only problem with it is that it says "Don't leave it directly in sunlight." I mean, anybody who leaves their drink anywhere but the fridge is a certified room-temp drinking lunatic, but now I really want to know what happens when I do leave it in the sunlight. Tasty pipe bomb? One can dream...*

*Yeah, I just dropped a Susan Boyle knowledge bomb on your head. Thank me later. And yes, I would absolutely take her to pound town: population Cam. She is my favorite British "Shrek" impersonator.