Tiger Woods Dating Lindsay Vonn

"This season has been great so far and I'm happy with my wins at Torrey and Doral. Something nice that's happened off the course was meeting Lindsey Vonn. Lindsey and I have been friends for some time, but over the last few months we have become very close and are now dating. We thank you for your support and for respecting our privacy. We want to continue our relationship, privately, as an ordinary couple and continue to compete as athletes." --Statement from Tiger Woods

Now everybody knows I love Tiger Woods. He is the cockiest asshole in the entire world, and if you don't like him than you're jealous. Dude just wins tournaments and bangs porn stars, and I'm supposed to be mad at him? In saying that, this statement from Tiger is a little ridiculous. Like why even put out this statement? I don't care who you are having sex with as long as you are in the final grouping on Sunday at the Masters. By the way, he put this on his facebook page, because nothing says irony like asking for privacy while posting pictures of you canoodling with your women all over facebook. By the way, didn't Lindsay Vonn just shred her ACL? YUP Smart move by Tiger here to start dating a girl who cant move so that when she catches him with some hot broad, he can simply just walk away and she can do nothing about it.

PS-Tiger your girlfriend. WOOF!

PS- Two golf blogs in a row? Just lost half my readers.

Simple Golf Tip

HAHAHAHAH. GET IT?!? This video pisses me off because I was all ready to learn the one thing I could do to make myself a better golfer and this guy just goes ahead and says like 3 words that I can pronounce.

But in all reality, golf is the hardest sport in the world. You can hit the ball 300 yards in one shot and then it takes 5 more shots to get the ball into a cup thats 15 feet away. It's just so frustrating. The drive to the golf course you are like alright I can't wait to play. Then you start playing and you're like fuck this shit. Then you leave and you're like wow that was a good time. It makes you delusional. But I like golf because it's the only time you can yell at yourself in the first person and not be seen as a crazy person. The first few times playing with my dad, he would always yell "God, damnit Michael" and I was thinking in my head, well what the fuck did I do, it was your piss poor shot. I started liking my dad a lot more after I realized you are allowed to yell at yourself.

9 Year Old Explains Meaning Of Life

Some times I wonder how I made it this far in life because I don't know how to put the video from Youtube here. Whatever, click this link.

This kid just absolutely blew my mind. Instead of paying for my philosophy 101 class that I'm taking right now, I just should have this video play on repeat 4-5 times. He said shit and I was like "yeah I totally agree with that". Kid is fucking 9 years old. When I was 9 years old, the only thing that I was worried about was nap time, snack time, and playing with my dick. This kid is talking about alternative life forms and other galaxies and shit. By the way, his meaning of life explanation is probably the truest explanation I've ever heard. Keep doing you kid, keep doing you.

PS- How fucking baked is this kid.

Holly Madison Names Her Daughter Rainbow Aurora

 

At least we know she won't have trouble breastfeeding

 Move over, Suri, Apple, and Maxwell … there’s a new Hollywood daughter with a quirky name. Holly Madison announced on Friday that she and boyfriend Pasquale Rotella have given their newborn the moniker Rainbow Aurora (no, we’re not kidding).

Not even joking, but is Holly Madison's IQ above 50? I certainly had my doubts before this but I'm positive she is mentally challenged now. Rainbow Aurora? You do realize Holly, that your daughter is automatically destined to be a porn star now right? I mean, technically her mom did become famous for being naked and people taking pictures of her, but in today's day and age, thats what it takes. And wait, I thought she was married to Hugh Hefner. Like I thought that was the deal, she lived in his house and had to walk around naked and had to give him his viagra and had to fuck his old bag of bones body. Now I found out she's married to some dude named Pasquale? Fuck that.

PS- My kicker son's name is obviously going to be named Big-Leg Kennedy.

I'd Like To Own A Bunch Of Gorillas

Lets start this off in saying that if you don't think evolution exists, than you are an absolute fool. Did you see that gorilla? Literally the exact same movements that I have when I am playing in a pile of leaves. Just doing somersaults like he was teaming up with Mckayla Maroney in a floor routine in the London Olympics. Gorillas are the fucking shit. If I could own a flange (look it up) of gorillas, I would in a heartbeat. I mean, I might get my face ripped off but it is obviously well worth it. I would create a football team of all gorillas and if you don't think we are headed straight for the NFL than get the fuck out of my face. By the way, the music that was set to this video was fucking perfect. Aside, from that nerdy girl talking at the begining, Khazi the gorilla just goes straight ape-shit (see what I did there?) and the head banging music is just perfect. A+ video.

PS- All gorillas eat are bananas right? I can't afford anything else.

I Hate All Teachers Who Do Shit Like This

I hate this teacher so bad that its palpable. Like, I get it, this teacher was a nerd all throughout high school and was always picked on so he decided to go back to high school and do it all again, except it backfired. You're still a nerd bro. It's almost sad because do you know how much time this guy spent on making this video? Probably at least a month. Probably went home every day after school, fed his cat, jerked off, made a microwaveable dinner, watched Jeopardy in hopes that one day he will be on the show (he won't), worked on this video all night, and then went to bad. Rinse, wash, repeat. All for this corny ass video that maybe like 7 of his students laughed at? It was like 3 minutes too long. Better luck next time bro.

Will Amish People Love Federal Prison?

CLEVELAND (AP) — Sixteen Amish men and women who have lived rural, self-sufficient lives surrounded by extended family and with little outside contact are facing regimented routines in afederal prison system where almost half of inmates are behind bars for drug offenses and modern conveniences, such as television, will be a constant temptation.

Prison rules will allow the 10 men convicted in beard- and hair-cutting attacks on fellow Amish in eastern Ohio to keep their religiously important beards, but they must wear standard prison khaki or green work uniforms instead of the dark outfits they favor. Jumper dresses will be an option for the six Amish women, who will be barred from wearing their typical long, dark dresses and bonnets.

Now I am on record in saying that I would fucking love to be Amish. Just riding horses all day. Ideal life. But what I didn't know is that they could go to federal prison. I thought Amish people handled things themselves and if two neighboring squads got into a fight, than they just held a head to head butter churning competition and the squad who loses, dies. Like I thought that was general knowledge, but nope.  But these guys are tough as fuck. Beard cutting? Beards are sacred to the Amish. Like cows to people from India. Like AIDS to Africa. Like Kim Kardashians pregnant ass to the US.

You might say, "Wow, this is going to be a tough experience for them." But here is the thing. They will think prison is the shit. Since they've never experienced the outside world, they are going to think that their new prison life is as luxurious as it gets. Watching TV and maybe playing a little Wii. (pretty sure thats what happens in prison) These Amish fuckers are going to want to stay in prison for the rest of their lives.

PS- If you don't think they will be RUNNING that prison within 2 weeks of being there than you are wrong. Amish are hardcore.